“What This Election is Really About”
Jimmy Kimmel wants this to be widely shared, and since his son has the greatest name ever invented, how can I refuse? It’s a reminder to every voter in America that the Republican party is a total fraud when it comes to the primary issue driving this election: health care...
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Vote the GOP bums out. Every last one. Before they kill us all.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 28, 2020
Note: Vote! Nothing else matters now. Not your spouse, your children, your job or even your horse. Which reminds me: go check behind the garage. You're now the proud owner of a horse.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til we turn our clocks back an hour: 4
Estimated number of Americans who will have already voted by election day, according to NBC News: 100 million
Biden-Trump matchup numbers in North Carolina, per CBS News polling: 51%-47%
Number of the 30 public and private statewide polls in North Carolina that Public Policy Polling has conducted this year in which Trump has led: 0
Sen. Gary Peters (D)-John James (R) matchup numbers in Michigan, per PPP polling: 52%-43%
Number of tenant evictions, despite a covid-related CDC ban on them, in 23 counties in Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee and Texas between early September and mid-October: 10,000
Year by which China's economy, at the latest, is expected to surpass the United States economy: 2030
World Series Update
Dodgers defeat the Rays 4 games to 2.
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 5 plagues and all the witches and Satanists fanning out to wreak havoc on Christians this Halloween). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Quick—sign him up with the Patriots…
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CHEERS to Day 1. Trump cultist Amy Coney Barrett is now an Associate Supreme Court Justice of the United States, having taken the oath yesterday morning. And, girrrrl, did she get down to work fast. Over the course of eight hours, she…
Drowned her first kitten…kicked her first clerk with the shoe that's got the hidden spring-loaded spike in it…poured hot coffee over Stephen Breyer's head, insisting that one day they'd both have a good laugh about it…bit the head off of not one but two bats because "this cockadoodie job really makes me hungry"…declared stare decisis "too funny sounding" and banned it from all further discussion…outlawed voting in the blue states…told the story of how there were two sets of footprints in the sand but then there was only one set of footprints because that was when she carried Jesus because Antifa had just shot a tranquilizer dart at his neck...called her hairdresser to tell him she couldn't wait to annul his marriage to his husband and could he fit her in Friday morning for a trim and light color treatment…replaced Justice Sotomayor's insulin with Folger's Crystals…
...and then she was home in time to fix hubbie a cocktail and light his pipe before cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed after reading them a chapter from Dante's Inferno. How does she do it???
CHEERS and JEERS to dollars and cents sense and nonsense. As the week rolls on towards its inevitable conclusion, let’s check in with some recent economic headlines we plucked off the money tree to find out if we should start moving our money from the secret hole in our back yard to the secret hole in our attic. Caution: whiplash ahead…
Workers being laid off twice as Covid ripples through the economy
Amazon to hire 100,000 seasonal employees
Eli Lilly antibody drug fails in Covid-19 study; others go on
Pandemic disproportionately affects women at work
Recession's silver lining: American households are doing better than expected
Millions poised to lose unemployment benefits in ‘enormous cliff’ at year’s end
U.S. durable goods orders rise 1.9%
Consumer confidence dips
Antitrust charges could come against Facebook as early as November
Dow falls for second day as daily virus cases hit new record
As stocks soar, most Black people are missing out
Jay-Z launches his own cannabis line
And this just in: Dunkin' Donuts is in talks to be swallowed up by Arby's. And you know what that means, right? Our lifelong dream of glazed cheddar Munchkins is just a signature away.
CHEERS to the most trusted name in news (well, besides Cronkite and Maddow). 109 years ago this week, Joseph Pulitzer died at 64 aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina, thus ending the life of the "yellow journalism" publisher who was dedicated to looking out for the little guy (if loudly and sensationalistically):
Previously the press usually spoke for the moneyed interests, but this new strain of journalism supported labor, attacked trusts and monopolies, and exposed scandal, fraud and corruption, both public and private.
At a time when journalism was not considered a respectable way of earning a living, Pulitzer was committed to raising the standards of the profession.
Today the best and the brightest in journalism are celebrated with the coveted "Pulitzer," which comes in a lovely velvet display case. And when I depart this earth I plan to leave behind a foundation that will recognize the most dimwitted and dishonest. I'm calling it the "Poolitzer" and it'll come in a lovely doggie-doo bag. The inaugural Poolitzer ceremony will make history. It'll be the first time the world ever hears the words, "And the winner is: Fox News."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to H2Omigod!!! A cool announcement from the lab-coated nerds who spend their time looking up yonder. Cool and pure and refreshing:
It would be a lot handier if there were significant amounts of water on what amounts to the more temperate parts of the moon: the near and far sides where any one spot is brilliantly lit for two full weeks out of every month.
Well, good news: NASA announced that it has discovered water in just such a site: Clavius Crater, located between 50 and 75 degrees latitude in the southern lunar hemisphere on the near side of the moon.
“Water is extremely critical for deep space exploration,” said Jacob Bleacher, NASA’s chief scientist for human exploration and operations, at a Monday press conference. “We know that it exists in some of the darkest and coldest craters, so finding it in places that are easier to reach is very helpful for future exploration.”
Scientists greeted the news by yelling "Wow!" The presidents of the major bottled water companies greeted the news by yelling "Mine! Mine!"
CHEERS to the alma mater of our glorious overlords. On this date in 1636, Harvard University—whose endowment is now worth a mere $41 billion—was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts "by vote of the Great and General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and was named for its first benefactor, John Harvard of Charlestown." Very good Presidents Franklin Roosevelt and Barack Obama went to Harvard. So did very bad Presidents John Adams and George W. Bush. Very good Senator Elizabeth Warren went to Harvard. So did very bad Senator Ted Cruz. Very good = Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Very bad = Justice Antonin Scalia. Good = Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Bad = Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. And etcetera. So, a mixed record. More study is needed.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 28, 2010
CHEERS to the driving experience of the future. Screw the skeptics—I think electric cars are going to evolve into amazing machines that people love to drive and save a bunch of money with. The Chevy Volt, for example—out in December—is like the Tandy 1000 of electric cars, and USA Today's car critic is damn impressed because it...
...represents a staggering amount of engineering in order to be sure you never notice all that sophistication. Except for the gee-whiz instrument panel, you might figure you were in a normal car. And that's stunning, because Volt combines an electric motor, a generator that itself sometimes works as a motor and a small gasoline engine to create a drivetrain that uses no gasoline for 25 to 50 miles, then sips it. [...]
Most of the time, you drive on battery power only. Some of the time, you burn gas to keep the juice flowing. No place to plug in to recharge? No problem. Fill the gas tank and drive on. How, exactly, is that anything but genius?
And don't let the $41,000 price tag scare you. For one thing, there's a government rebate available. For another, the Volt is the first vehicle to come with its own defibrillator paddles.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ghosts of Halloweens past. Tis the season…
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Have a terroriffic Wednesday. With whatsizname still in the White House, that shouldn’t be difficult. Trap door’s open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"As far as I'm concerned, Bill in Portland Maine is an absolute joke. A man who was once America's Kiddie Pool Viceroy is now the laughingstock of not just the country, but the world."
—Michael Cohen
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