tRump is getting hammered over his non-response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Because of his singular focus on all things tRump, he’s managed to make the United States number one — in COVID-19 related infections and deaths. His new notoriety is making him uncomfortable and he’s getting ready to put forward a new and uniquely tRumpian solution to our problem.
We’ve obtained a preliminary press release from more than a dozen White House leakers looking to salvage their futures by attempting to claim they were always against tRump and only stayed to monkey wrench his most harmful policies.
This is the best transcription of the document we have been able to generate from the original crayon. We think it is a collaboration between Donald tRump, Ivanka and Stephen Miller based on changes in crayon color and pressure.
The White House, Washington DC — For immediate release July 7th, 2020
The world’s greatest windmill cancer diagnostician and stable genius president of the United States is proud to announce, effective immediately, the Walter Reed Medical Center will be renamed as the tRumpo Clownic1. All recovering military personal will be ejected because we prefer soldiers who weren’t wounded.
The facility will be repurposed as a state of the fart2 treatment center and accelerated hospice. Overflow patients from the failing democrat hospitals in Florida, Texas, Arizona and Georgia will be transported by sealed box car to the clinic for use in tRump campaign promotional material.
[Editorial comment — We think he is doing this to distract from his myriad corona related failures and to attempt to minimize any legal exposure he might have — NNNE]
No actual diagnostic testing will be performed. All patients will be assigned a disease based on the president’s gut feelings as outlined in the following chart. This will help lower the fake pandemic numbers.
Diagnostic Tables
Symptom |
diagnosis |
Breathing Issues |
Asthma |
Fever |
Regular flu |
Nausea |
Listening to Jared |
Headache |
Melania isn’t supposed to be here |
Chest pains |
Indigestion |
Numbness in the extremities |
Awkward sleep position |
Difficulty holding a glass or walking down a ramp |
Treason/Slander/Mockery3 |
Trouble speaking/Confusion |
Send me to a real hospital |
In addition to our large stockpiles of the miracle drug hydroxychloroquine4, bleach, Lysol, UV pencil lights, and Jared’s special N95 stash, we have lots of leeches, Jim Bakker’s colloidal silver solution, arsenic, mercury and Swamp Root tonic.
The new center will be entirely staffed by doctors who have signed the republican Hypocritic Oath — Rand Paul, Ben Carson, John Barraso, Bill Cassidy, Ralph Abraham, Larry Buschon, Michael C Burgess, Scott DesJarlais, Neal Dunn, Mark Green, Andrew P Harris, John Joyce, Roger Marshall, Greg Murphy, David Roe and Paul Gosar.
Any patients who happen to pass away will have their cause of death chosen from the following list:
- Obama’s bird flu
- Obama’s ebola
- Obama’s fault
- Hillary’s fault
- Bill Clinton’s AIDS
- Carter’s malaise
unless they are well known evangelical tRump supporters. List those as dying from tRump’s Rapture.
[Give this to Pence and make him put it out under his name and authority — John Barron]
1We found this to be an odd spelling choice and decided to leave it as is — our speculation is that he had a big ow-i — maybe from stabbing himself in the eye with a crayon.
2That’s what’s in the original. He may have been feeling gassy.
3Subject to arrest by officers of the CBP
4The original has this spelled as “Hi Doxy Clorox Queen”.
Up the Resistance!
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Cut and Paste Department. This is the regularly scheduled plea for readers. I’ve still only had to make two memes. You have it within your power to make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
chloris creator sat in for niftywriter this morning. She rocked it: Good News Roundup for Tuesday, July 7, 2020: the Power of We the People