Who's Behind the Jan. 6 Republican Insurrection Today?
Here's the current list of those responsible, updated at 7:30am ET by the Republican National Committee:
Democrats hypnotized by The Squad…Antifa hypnotized by George Soros…Tourists hypnotized by Critical Race Theory…The FBI hypnotized by Doc Fauci…The Greens…Planned Parenthood…The Pope and Opus Dei…The cicadas…The murder hornets…The Pope and Opus Dei riding cicadas like horses under secret orders from the murder hornets…Not Republicans no way nuh uh...Socialist children standing on each other's shoulders under body armor to make it look like they're adults…France…Cancel Culture…the gays, feminists, and pagans (who had time to do it because it wasn't hurricane-manipulating season yet)…fake Republicans led by that Raffensperger fella from Georgia…and, of course, Randy Rainbow and His All-Star Dancing Insurrectionists.
Next update at 8:30am ET. Stay vigilant.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, June 24, 2021
Note: Attention. There's a "Strawberry Supermoon" tonight. Be sure to get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins, and give it a wink. That is all. [Click.]
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til World Chocolate Day, celebrated because on July 7, 1550 chocolate was first brought to Europe: 13
Percent of Americans in the latest Gallup poll, including 95% of Democrats, who approve of President Biden's job performance: 56%
Percent chance that fed Chair Jerome Powell says recent price spikes will soon subside and reduce inflation to a sustainable level: 100%
Number of Secret Service employees who tested positive for COVID-19 between March 1, 2020 and March 9, 2021, according to government records: 881
Number of Americans who joined Medicaid during the pandemic, bringing total enrollment to a record 80 million: 10 million
Age of Kris Kristofferson as of Tuesday: 85
Current ocean temperature off the Portland, Maine coast: 59F
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
For a long time, "conservatism" was just another word for "racist" in Texas: some were more polite than others.
I first ran across another form of conservatism in the Rocky Mountains in the late 1970's as the "Sagebrush Rebellion" or "Wise Use" movement, corporate-funded anti-environmentalism.
From the beginning, it was all about right-wing money—H.L. Hunt, Coors, Mellon-Scaife—that old batty anti-New Deal money that was always behind the Republican right. They were against taxes on rich people and against taxes on business, didn’t want limits on pollution, didn’t want limits on exploiting natural resources. Greed is good, the market is God—same old sorry claptrap we have heard since the end of the robber barons.
—From Who Let the Dogs In?
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Water bottle comes with auto-recycle feature…
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CHEERS to raking your own team over the coals. As the phony Republican "audit" of Maricopa County, Arizona's 2020 ballots continues in—[checks notes]—a secluded cabin in Montana, Republicans in Michigan have released a report on the election integrity that’s an in-your-face door slam to the conspiracy crowd:
The Republican-led Michigan Senate Oversight Committee refuted voter fraud claims made by Donald Trump, debunking claims of malfeasance in the state's election last fall and affirming that Joe Biden was victorious, in a highly-anticipated report released Wednesday.
The report is the product of an eight-month inquiry and concludes there was no basis or evidence to support Trump's repeated claims that the election results failed to reflect the will of the voters. […]
The report, which was supported by every Republican on the committee, was clear: "This Committee found no evidence of widespread or systematic fraud in Michigan’s prosecution of the 2020 election."
In response, the Cyber Ninjas vowed to spend the next six months analyzing the Oversight Committee's report for bamboo fibers from a secluded cabin in Montana. Oh, and if someone has a moment, they need another pallet of beer flown in. (Saving democracy sure duz make ya thirsty!)
CHEERS to sinking your Marxist tentacles into the fabric of this great nation of ours. My god, Buffalo, what have you done? In Tuesday's mayoral race, shock and awe flowed like the waters over Niagara Falls as voters dressed in rubber George Soros suits elected a—cover your children's ears—socialist. Her name is India Walton, and here's some of what her radical agenda has in store for her city:
“Our platform is centered on people and rooted in love, with the belief that equity and justice are essential. We believe in love for community, respect for culture and reverence of resources. We believe that housing, healthcare, healthy food and a quality education are basic human rights; and when we invest in our community, we create the conditions where all residents feel valued and can thrive.
Buffalo is rich in resources. From our waterfront location to our wonderful arts and cultural community, it has many economic engines. We envision a Buffalo where people are housed, healthy, and have the agency to live to their full potential.”
And since Republicans couldn't find a candidate to run in the primary, Ms. Walton is a shoo-in to become Buffalo's first female mayor, and the first socialist mayor of a major city in 60 years. Just make the socialist snowplows run on time, ma’am, and you'll be golden.
WHOOPS to pissing off the wrong people. 145 years ago this week, in 1876, General George Armstrong Custer and his 7th Cavalry met their Waterloo at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana. Moments after the shooting stopped, a corporal arrived on the scene with an urgent message from HQ: "Duck!" Fate is a cruel master.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the god squad that couldn't shoot straight. Dudes in dresses who schtup altar boys and taught for hundreds of years that the sun revolved around the earth now say they have a problem with President Biden. Do tell…
U.S. Catholic bishops overwhelmingly approved the drafting of a “teaching document” that many of them hope will rebuke Catholic politicians, including President Joe Biden, for receiving Communion despite their support for abortion rights. […]
Supporters of the measure said a strong rebuke of Biden was needed because of his recent actions protecting and expanding abortion access, while opponents warned that such action would portray the bishops as a partisan force during a time of bitter political divisions across the country.
I hate to throw holy water on their little morality bonfire, but here's the deal, hand to God, no joke, as my mother used to say: Joe's got 78 years worth of communion credits socked away in his Heaven Airlines account. He's good to go, first class all the way up. You guys in the red hats, on the other hand? If I were you I'd be investing in asbestos bloomers for the trip down. Bless yer hearts.
CHEERS to the 19th century comeback kid. Grover Cleveland ran this crazy republic from 1885 to 1889, sat on the sidelines for four years after losing to Benjamin Harrison, and then bounced back to wrangle the White House for another term in 1892, making him both #22 and #24 in the history books. And check this out: while Lincoln has to make do with the $5 bill and Washington only gets the buck, Cleveland gets the friggin' grand…
Anyway, he shuffled off his mortal coil 113 years ago today and so far he hasn't bounced back from that. But as a wise zombie once said: "Never say die."
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 24, 2011
JEERS to water, water everywhere. My worst nightmares almost always involve water—water coming through the roof, smashing through the windows, rising from the floor, waves chasing me faster than I can run, cutting off my escape, leaving me stranded. Fuckin' hate it. But considering what's going on in Minot, North Dakota, I should shut up and quit whining:
The Souris River's full weight hit Minot on Friday, swamping an estimated 2,500 homes as it soared nearly 4 feet in less than a day and overwhelmed the city's levees. City officials said they expected more than 4,000 homes to be flooded by day's end.
More than a quarter of the city's 40,000 residents evacuated earlier this week, packing any belongings they hoped to save into cars, trucks and trailers.
Feel free to shout at clouds this weekend, Minot—you earned it.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to singin’ in church. As President Biden announces a major new initiative to crack down on violent crime, we note that six years ago this week, while eulogizing the recently-murdered Rev. Clementa Pinckney at Charleston, South Carolina's Emanuel A.M.E. Church, President Barack Obama paused for the longest time. You could hear a pin drop, it got so quiet. Was he too choked up to go on? Had he lost his place in his sermon? Had he, after consoling so many other audiences in the wake of gun massacres, simply run out of f*cks to give?
Not quite. He was just winding up to deliver an emotional grand finale from his soul that would once again demonstrate why he’ll always be placed in the top ranks of all the presidents. Watch as the faces behind him light up…
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His immediate successor, who never bothered to learn the words to the national anthem or God Bless America, let alone Amazing Grace, botched every attempt—I can count the number of times on one hand and still have some fingers left over—to comfort families who lost loved ones to gun violence. (Up to and including slapping his autograph on giant photos of dead victims.) I guess if you want to show you have a heart, you have to…y’know…have a heart.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Billie Eilish Apologizes After Surfaced Video Shows Her Splashing in Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool: “I Am Appalled and Embarrassed and Want to Barf”
—Mediaite
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