Late Night Snark: Jim Jordan & Other Pathogens Edition
"Among the unvaccinated in the United States, covid cases are once again on the rise, due to the highly-infectious 'Delta variant.' The rising cases are being fueled by vaccine hesitancy, which itself is being fueled by a dangerous pathogen scientists are calling the Republican party."
—Stephen Colbert
"[Trump cultist Jim Jordan] literally plotted at the White House with the president about how January 6th would go to overthrow the election result and keep Trump in power. And so the Republicans picked him to be on the committee investigating what happened on January 6th. It's like if you wanted to investigate the rise in obesity and you appointed ten cheeseburgers and a blooming onion as your contribution to the commission of inquiry."
—Rachel Maddow, after Speaker Pelosi removed Jordan from the Jan. 6 committee
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Watch for flying javelins.
"A new poll found that 66 percent of Americans approve of President Biden's handling of the coronavirus. The other 34 percent like the way things used to be, back when we had to Clorox-wipe our bananas."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Joe Biden has been president for six whole months, and he hasn't told us to drink bleach once. That's progress!"
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Anthony Anderson
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"Twitter is currently testing a thumbs-down button option. Kyrsten Sinema must be excited."
—Samantha Bee
"According to a new book, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley was worried that former president Trump would try to incite a coup after losing the 2020 election. We really need to come up with a better early-warning system than tell-all books. 'We're in danger! Quick—get me a typewriter!'"
—Seth Meyers
One thing I miss about my nightly show is occasionally I'd make an offhand joke about laxatives and the next day I'd receive 2 cases of Dulcolax. Hear that, Dulcolax?
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 23, 2021
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Barack Obama's 60th birthday: 12
Days 'til the Scranton Jazz Festival in Pennsylvania: 14
Number of people, mostly summer vacationers, packing U.S. airports per day now: 2 million
Percent of Trump cultists polled by CBS News who say they believe voter fraud was widespread in 2020 because of "their own observations": 58%
Rank of the Black, Hispanic, and White community, respectively, among communities the Trump cultists blame for "a lot" of the voter fraud they claim took place (but which did not): #1, #2, #3
Age of Florence Rigney when she retired in Tacoma as America's oldest nurse this week after 70 years on the job: 96
Number of subscribers Netflix lost in the second quarter, according to CNN: 433,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to a fine start. The 2020 Olympics, which were postponed a year due to the scourge of COVID-19 that was swirling around Tokyo, kicked off this morning amid the scourge of COVID-19 that's swirling around Tokyo. Basketballer Sue Bird and Eddy Alvarez (baseball) led the 200-member American delegation as flag bearers. For the uninitiated, here's a brief history of host country Japan:
It all started when Godzilla used his giant head to push up the Karaoke Mountains and form the country of Japan. For awhile the Ninjas and the Shoguns ruled over the Pikachus and the Mothras, but they got overthrown by Tojo who started World War II by doing Pearl Harbor. But Ronald Reagan unleashed his aircraft carriers at Midway and that's when Japan decided they were better at consumer electronics. Today, Japan is an economic powerhouse populated by very nice people who, thanks to the Fukushima Daiichi accident caused by Joe Biden and the Demonrats, now glow in the dark. The Japanese didn’t start the coronavirus hoax—that was China and Dr. Fauci (but not Martin Luther King Jr. or Cesar Chavez because they never existed in the first place). But out of an abundance of caution they should just stay over there until we figure out what the hell is going on. Also: they do origami and feed goldfish.
We'd like to thank the Texas School Board for providing us with that insightful lesson using their latest set of legislature-approved facts. C&J plans to watch some highlights as my eyeballs happen to catch them. But for the record, we refuse to recognize the legitimacy of the Olympic Games until they bring back the original format from Athens circa 776 BC, and make the athletes compete in the nude. God bless tradition.
CHEERS to thumbs-up from the nerds in the green eyeshades. Always nice to hear that the bean counters who rule our world think the Democrats are onto something excellent. In this case, Moodys Analytics kicked the tires of the $4.1 trillion in proposed infrastructure/education/health care spending measures (bipartisan bill + reconciliation bill) and found them to be quite solid:
The report, penned by Moody’s Chief Economist Mark Zandi, says that…[if the bipartisan bill passes,] by 2023 inflation-adjusted economic growth would be 0.6 percentage point higher, with 650,000 new jobs created by mid-decade.
If lawmakers follow up with the $3.5 trillion budget reconciliation package under discussion, any negative growth effects in 2022 would be canceled out and real economic growth could be nearly 1 percentage point higher, Moody’s said. [B]y mid-decade enactment of the reconciliation package could create as many as 2 million jobs and cut the unemployment rate by 0.5 percentage point.
Senate Majority Leader Charles E. Schumer urged lawmakers to read the analysis. […] "The report by Moody’s should light a fire under all of us.”
"Thanks for reminding me," said Senator Josh Hawley as he scribbled "Bring Flamethrowers To Next Insurrection" on his to-do list.
CHEERS to defying expectations. Thirty-one years ago this week, President George Bush—the relatively normal George Bush—announced that David Souter was his pick to replace liberal-leaning justice William Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court:
Bush, who appeared nervous at the outset of the press conference, insisted he had not applied a "litmus test" of how Souter ruled in previous cases.
The president noted that Souter had been considered for a previous Supreme Court opening late in the Reagan administration and added, "I have selected a person who will interpret the Constitution and, in my view, not legislate from the bench."
Souter's progressive leanings took conservatives—and liberals, frankly—by surprise. (I believe their exact words were, "What the F....??!!") But he did exactly what his appointer said he would: rule fairly and un-legislatively. We hope the 81-year-old is enjoying his long and happy retirement in New Hampshire cracking walnuts with his gavel. If anyone's earned it, he has. (You, too, Justice Breyer.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a good man to have on Lincoln's team. On July 23, 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the larger-than-life general who helped beat back the Trump crowd's traitorous ancestors by winning the Civil War (even though he fainted at the sight of blood—really) and then went on to spend a rocky, cronies-run-amok eight years in the White House, died in Mount McGregor, N.Y. at 63. Today we appreciate him for this nugget from the book Rating the Presidents:
He kept his own religious values and practice to himself.
In the larger view for the country, he believed in a strict separation of church and state, stating in his seventh annual message to Congress:
"As this will be the last annual message which I shall have the honor of transmitting to Congress before my successor is chosen, I will repeat or recapitulate the questions which I deem of vital importance which may be legislated upon and settled at this session. [...]
Declare church and state forever separate and distinct, but each free within their proper spheres; and that all church property shall bear its own proportion of taxation."
Go pay your respects here. But don’t leave him any cigars—they’re what killed him. Perhaps toss up a nice salad.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Weekend TV starts tonight (right about now, actually) with an encore of the opening ceremony for the delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics on NBC, and they'll be the go-to network for coverage the next two weeks.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here. (We’re now in that sliver of time in which the NBA, NHL, and NFL are off, and baseball’s the only game in town.) On 60 Minutes: encores of stories on Prince and a Utah family with nine professional cowboys. And that's about it—quiet weekend. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA); Sen. Rob Portman (Cult-OH); a pundit roundtable so pitiful it makes me pine for Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson and George Will.
Face the Nation: Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo; Kansas City, MO Mayor Quinton Lucas; former Surgeon General Jerome Adams; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; Carol Leonnig & Philip Rucker, authors of I Alone Can Fix It.
CNN's State of the Union: Doc Fauci; Sen. Pat Toomey (Cult-PA); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (Cult-AR).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Tim Scott (Cult-SC) and Mark Warner (D-VA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 23, 2011
CHEERS to havin' a healthy (enough) headbone. Wow—I've never seen the words "Michele Bachmann" and "clean bill" in the same vicinity before, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Responding to a smear job by The Daily Caller, she got a note from "The Attending Physician" of the House, saying that her migraine headaches won’t stop her from governing because they're so sporadic. They only strike when she thinks.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to happy pruning. Some people say exercise is the best thing to clear your head. Some say yoga, others say a wee toke of the wacky tobacky, while a handful find peace by short-sheeting the beds at nursing homes. It's actually spending a lazy weekend hour or two in the garden pulling weeds. Here's how to do it in the most satisfying way: 1) Grab the base of the little bastard. 2) Give it a gentle yet persistent tug and wait for that little "Rrrrrrip!" sound that lets you know you've eliminated the menace by the roots. 3) Hold it up and say, "You're gone, McCarthy! As for you, Jordan, Gohmert, Boebert, Taylor-Greene, Gaetz and the rest...you're next." 4) Laugh maniacally. 5) Acknowledge the spontaneous applause coming from the neighbors' yards. 6) If you have more weeds than there are idiot House morons, move on to idiot senators, governors and Fox News hosts. Have fun!
Oh, and there’s a full “buck” moon tonight, so get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins, and give it a wink. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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