Late Night Snark: April Fools Edition
"The House committee investigating the Capitol riot said that Trump's White House phone records have a seven-hour gap on January 6th. Seven hours? I don’t know if anyone is a fan of the show Dateline, but if your phone records are missing even ten minutes, you're guilty. Even the ghost of Richard Nixon is like, I don’t think you can do that."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Trump was open about his desire to have the Supreme Court stay in power—he said it repeatedly. There was even a case where Trump sued to block the National Archives from releasing any records related to January 6th. And the only justice to side with Trump in the 8-1 decision was Clarence Thomas. He sided with Trump in the case to block the release of records that could've potentially implicated his own wife. That is a slap in the face to the Constitution. And even if it was to protect your wife, slapping is never okay!"
—Seth Meyers
Continued...
You are now above the fold. April fool! You’re now below the fold. Got ya.
“While Ginni Thomas has no official power in the administration, she is influential. She and Justice Clarence Thomas are seen as the Supreme Court's "It” Couple. Mostly because they scare small children.”
—Samantha Bee
"[Republicans' questions at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings for Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson] were not asked because they genuinely wanted to know the answer. They were asked to generate viral sound bites, the proof of which is Ted Cruz. Right after his questioning, he was checking his mentions on Twitter in the middle of the proceedings, which is honestly kind of amazing. Can you imagine being Ted Cruz and wanting to know what people think about you on the internet? That is a doom-scroll that will not end well."
—John Oliver
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In Florida, the controversial ‘parental rights in education’ bill—also known as the 'don’t say gay' bill—was signed into law. Under the new law, a teacher can't explain to a second-grader that their governor is a dickhead. That kind of language is not allowed anymore. It's up to parents to explain that their governor is a dickhead. That's governor Ron DeSantis. His pronouns are hee and haw."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"We’re going to have a great night tonight, but for you people in Florida we’re going to have a gay night—gay, gay gay!!!"
—Co-host Wanda Sykes at the Oscars
Even though they are expanding the baseball playoffs from 10 to 12 teams, I still feel confident saying: “Sorry, Mets.”
—Conan O'Brien via Twitter
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 1, 2022
Note: Today is April Fools Day. It's the one day a year we have permission to put our scruples aside, make up wild stories, spew bullshit, and think of endless ways to make people dislike you. Or as anyone wearing a red MAGA hat calls it: Friday.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Beer Day: 6
Days 'til the 86th annual Atlanta Dogwood Festival: 7
New covid cases and deaths, respectively, worldwide last week according to the WHO: 10 million / 45,000
Amount philanthropist MacKenzie Scott donated in March to Planned Parenthood: $275 million
Amount hackers stole in cryptocurrency from a blockchain project linked to popular online game Axie Infinity: $615 million
Babe Ruth's highest salary: $80,000 (1931-32)
Percent chance that, according to Parade magazine, the chicken is the closest living relative to the Tyrannosaurus Rex: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Turning a year older this weekend? Happy birthday, and many blessings on your camel…
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CHEERS and JEERS to April. Wikipedia tells me that "The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, 'to open,' in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to open." But the modern etymology is from the verb “Gimme that,” in allusion to its being the season when MAGA cultists continue complaining about the federal government while simultaneously threatening (another) insurrection if they don’t get their government benefits on time and in full."
And what a packed month it is. The Biden administration will continue to science the shit out of the still-active pandemic with one hand (did anyone even notice we passed 1 million deaths in March?) while juggling the Russo-Ukraine War with the other. Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson will be confirmed as the first Black woman elevated to the Supreme Court. Major league baseball starts the 7th after that lockout unpleasantness was resolved. It's Poetry Month, Summer Tire Changeover Month, and Jazz Appreciation Month. Passover ends on the 4th and Ramadan starts tomorrow evening.
But wait, there’s more! Like a full "pink moon" on the 16th, Easter, Earth Day, Patriots Day, Arbor Day, National 8-Track Tape Day, Administrative Professionals Day, and Queen Elizabeth's 96th birthday. But the movie roster looks meh. As a special treat, your taxes are not due on the 15th—the IRS deadline is the 18th unless you live in Maine or Massachusetts when it’s the 19th because the 18th is Patriots Day up here, thus making April slightly less cruel than usual. You take your victories where you can get ‘em.
CHEERS to making my job easy. I was going to do a roundup of where things stand as we go into another placid weekend under the benevolent, competent watch of Joe Biden. But his chief of staff kinda did it for us. Thanks, Ron…
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Also: the report showing 5.7% growth (!!!) for all of 2021, tapping the strategic oil reserve to give Americans a strategic break on gas prices, and continuing to help Ukraine beat the snot out of the feeble old man behind the curtain claiming to be a brilliant strategic wizard. (And not just Trump, but Putin, too.) Happy weekend.
CHEERS to Charles Hall. He patented aluminum 133 years ago tomorrow. And made the world safe for paranoids everywhere:
An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers.
AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don't mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.
Remember, bunker dwellers: shiny side out!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to—squeaky squeak!—that clean plate sound. On today’s date in 1889, the first dish washing machine was marketed in Chicago. We have one in our house—a rescue mutt named Haley. Upside: she saves us a bundle on electricity. Downside: poops way more than a Kenmore.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you don’t have anything better to do this weekend—like, say, attend your local communist party meeting—you can share some intimate moments with the sacred socialist TV box. If you're news'ed-out, you can catch a new Undercover Boss at 8 (CBS), with the mayor of Fontana, California going incognito amongst the underlings…or a new Shark Tank on ABC. Bill Maher's guests on Real Time (HBO, 10) are cybersecurity expert Nicole Perlroth, strange human with too much free time on his hands Andrew Yang, and CNN's Laura Coates.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's Madness d’ le March info here and here. Comedian Jarrod Carmichael hosts SNL, which will no doubt have fun with Little Boy Cawthorn’s orgies-and-coke-party fantasies.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: how medical supplies are being delivered in Ukraine, how Britain’s conservatives are in the pockets of Russian oligarchs, and a profile of Laurie Anderson. And the 64th Grammys are Sunday night starting at 8 on CBS. (I wonder if Mick Mulvaney will be the fanboy doing interviews on the red carpet.) As usual, John Williams will dominate all the categories, including his death metal version of Yoda’s theme. Then at 11 John Oliver exposes the rot behind another sacred institution on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy gets grilled about Hunter Biden’s laptop, Joe Biden’s pizza-eating habits, and what kind of tree he’d be if could be any tree.
This Week: Oh my god, you guys! ABC News has an EXCLUSIVE “One on One” mega-interview with...Senator Roy Blunt of the MAGA cult in Missouri ZOMG it’s gonna be so awesome I have a poster of him on my bedroom wall!!!! Plus: Biden’s chief of staff—who has a great twitter feed—Ron Klain.
CNN's State of the Union: Secretary of State (and doing a fine job) Antony Blinken; Gov. larry Hogan (R-MD); NATO Secretary General jens Stoltenberg.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. John Cornyn (The Cult-TX); Rep. Suzan Delbene (D-WA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 1, 2012
JEERS to one who won't be The One. Rick Santorum appeared on a Sunday talk show (Which one? Oh, pick one—they're all the same), and got our hopes up by claiming he's going to make a comeback in May. Unfortunately I shook my Magic 8 Ball and it said: "Yeah—as in coming back to Pennsylvania in May to focus on future employment prospects after coming back to Pennsylvania in April and losing his presidential prospects." I know that's a long answer—I have a huge Magic 8 Ball.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to them's who crossed the finish line first. It's a well-established fact by now that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced 14 years ago this week, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. Every Friday—tonight included—we pluck a gaggle of worthy candidates from the previous seven-day news cycle and affix them to their place of honor on the front page. The candidate who gets the most votes wins.
I can't really remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following competent and popular Democratic presidents with Republican shitbags. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2022, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March:
Jan 7 President Biden: Jan. 6 speech goes right after Trump & his cult; rolls out a plan to fight meat monopolies; unemployment drops to 3.9%
Jan 14 The long arm of the law, as 11 leaders of the Oath Keepers are arrested and indicted for their role in the January 6 coup attempt
Jan 21 President Biden: Year 1 enters the history books with record 42 judges confirmed, record 6.4M job creation, end of Afghan War, and infrastructure plan. Bonus points for decency and integrity.
Jan 28 President Biden: $15 min. wage for fed employees, circles NATO wagons, smooth mask/test rollout, gets chance to make mark on the Supreme Court.
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Feb 4 President Biden: nabs ISIS leader; flummoxes Putin via tough pushback and NATO unity; strong Jan. jobs report; announces new 'cancer moonshot.’
Feb 11 The 100+ students at Huntington (WV) High School who staged a walkout to protest a mandatory evangelical assembly during which they were told to praise Jesus or they'd go to Hell
Feb 18 "Winning the unwinnable," as relatives of Sandy Hook Elementary victims reach an historic $73 million settlement with Remington, the maker of the rifle used in the 2012 massacre
Feb 25 Everyone around the world who is responding to Russia's invasion of Ukraine with anger and disgust for Putin, solidarity and support for the Ukrainians
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Mar 4 All of the above, related to heroic Ukrainians, their president, and global support for them.
Mar 11 Ukraine's leadership, military, and civilians, for continuing to make Putin's invasion a living hell even in the face of Russian atrocities against them.
Mar 18 Marina Ovsyannikova of Russia's #1 news channel, for interrupting a newscast watched by millions to hold up a sign: "Stop the war. Don't believe the propaganda. They are lying to you."
Mar 25 Ketanji Brown Jackson, for receiving the ABA's highest rating and then acing her Supreme Court confirmation hearings.
By the way, "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll back in 2008, and by the time he left office he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. (Sorry, George Washington, but we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.)
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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