Real Estate Fraud 101
As the finely-manicured investor class rushes to defend TFG over the punishment for his “victimless crimes,” Jon Stewart delivers a master class in the “very sophisticated real estate practice known as lying.” Especially enjoyable are the thoughts he reserves for Shark Tank slimeball and #1 embarrassment to Canada Kevin O’Leary:
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Jon’s return to The Daily Show got off to a rough start with some both-sides’ing of TFG and Biden, but he seems to have gotten his fact-based mojo back, and it’s great to see. Lord knows we’ll never get it from NBC.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 27, 2024
Note: C&J is moving! Starting next week, we’ll be posting exclusively in the diaries, just like the days of old, when the La Brea tar pits still belonged to Queen Andromeda IV of Spain. So watch for the C&J logo on the “recent” list M-Th mornings around 7:50 ET (and Friday evenings, as usual, at 7:20). Then come on in and splash in the pool. If the man-eating black bears get there first, you’ll find us crowded in the boathouse. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first day of Passover: 27
Days 'til the annual Blessing of the Fleet in Darien, Georgia: 9
Percent of all abortions accounted for by medication in 2020 and 2023, respectively, according to the Guttmacher Institute: 53%, 63%
Overall life expectancy in the U.S. in, respectively, 2021 and 2022: 76.4 / 77.5
Estimated percent of Americans vaccinated at least once for Covid-19 as of May, 2023, according to the CDC: 81.4%
Year that the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona will finally be completed, 142 years after construction began: 2026
Percent of Notre Dame cathedral's restoration that has been completed, five years after fire gutted the Paris landmark: 90%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 supernatural events and a definite "10" on the spring break bummer scale). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In St. Louis, Missouri…Saved!!!
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JEERS to infrastructure week in reverse. Yesterday morning we all woke up to the news that Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed after one of its supports got slammed by a cargo ship. Or, if you read social media...
Under the cover of darkness, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg and a commando of woke drag queens climbed aboard a cargo ship being operated by manly heterosexual heroes, took control of the bridge using nanobot mind control, steered the ship toward a bridge support, cut all the cables to the rudder, and held a giant onboard rave and cocaine party as their devious plan to shut down the Port of Baltimore came to fruition. When the bridge didn’t fully collapse, they called Dark Brandon to knock the rest of it down with a Jewish space laser. This was all done with the advice and support of Hamas, ISIS, and Scandinavia to weaponize NATO and bring on the New World Order TRUST ME I AM NOT CRAZY MIKE LINDELL SHOWED ME ALL THE RELEVANT DOCUMENTS!!!!
Sadly, the bridge to Nuttyville remains intact.
????? to order in the court. I have no idea what to think of yesterday's Supreme Court arguments, in which MAGA cultists tried to force a nationwide ban on medication abortion pills down women's throats. It sounds like even the conservative justices weren't buying what the lawyer from Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe were selling. But who knows? This is the conservative movement's brass ring—a total government takeover of ladyparts. As we await their ruling (maybe by June?), please enjoy watching 19-year-old Ilia Malinin of Virginia completing a record six quads last weekend:
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He won the World Figure Skating Championship. Good call, judges.
CHEERS to famous firsts in the land of Ringy Dingies. On March 27, 1884, the first telephone line connecting Boston and New York went live. It was soon followed by the first introduction of telephone "poles" connecting Boston and New York, mainly because people's horses kept tripping over the damn thing.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Ikey we likey. We're surprised that Dwight Eisenhower hasn't been branded a traitor yet by the right-wingers because he had the audacity to expand Social Security and raise the minimum wage. Plus, on the eve of his exit from the White House he warned America of the dangers of expanding the “military-industrial complex” that loose cannons like Trump could exploit. In short, his crap crapped bigger ones than the current crop of GOPretenders. But his heart, which attacked him several times throughout his life, finally gave out and he died this week in 1969. Among Ike’s famous quotes chiseled into stone at his grave site is this hippie libturd pabulum:
Pay your respects here. And extra credit for winning the last U.S. war that actually deserved to be fought.
JEERS to today's edition of Not Helpful, Bibi. Via HuffPost:
Israel is blocking food convoys that belong to the United Nations’ Palestinian aid agency from entering Gaza’s northern region, where Palestinians are facing an increasingly dire starvation crisis created by the ongoing Israeli military offensive in the territory.
As of Sunday, Israel is denying the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA) from “providing lifesaving assistance to northern Gaza,” according to Philippe Lazzarini, the agency’s chief.
This has been today's edition of Not Helpful, Bibi.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 27, 2014
JEERS to unstable tyrants and their unstable toys. North Korea fired 30 rockets into the Sea of Japan over the weekend. Kim Jong Un says he's prepared to fire more if the ocean doesn't stop destroying his sand castles.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to good spellin'. Over the weekend 8th-grader Evan Trieu of Portland won the Maine State Spelling Bee—for the second year in a row—in the 14th round. The winning word: "Aughts."
Among the words Trieu spelled along the way to victory were: “astonish,” “toastmaster,” “technician,” “obnebulate” and “hagiographer.”
“I was definitely a little nervous coming in, but I think I got a good deal of studying done and was well-prepared this year,” Trieu said afterward.
The 2024 spelling bee, hosted by the Portland Press Herald/Maine Sunday Telegram, featured two fifth grade students—including Julia Schweier from nearby Woodside Elementary School in Topsham—one sixth grader, five seventh graders and six participants from eighth grade. [...]
Asked if there were any words that gave him pause, Trieu said, “not really.” He’s been studying with the help of a phone app and also takes an online course every Sunday.
“They were all list words, so I think I was prepared for all of them,” he said.
Evan will now start cramming for the National Spelling Bee in D.C. that'll take place in late May. And for those of you wondering, the definition of "Aughts" is: Those f*cking Bush II years.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I'm not convinced it's any better for you than your everyday fruits and vegetables, which have much more research to back their health claims. Unfortunately the health claims behind Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool moss are mostly unsupported."
—Miranda Galati
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