Stable Genius Bible Quiz
[Reflected upon Trump’s evasive answers to questions about the Bible and started thinking maybe that’s because he hasn’t read the Bible and knows almost nothing about what’s in it. Wrote up what Trump taking a Bible Quiz might sound like. I am neither a comedian nor an aspiring comedian. Would love to see what entertaining questions and answers other Kossacks can imagine (in the comments). Thank you for your time.]
It's an honor to meet you, President Trump. Thank you for agreeing to this quiz. You have said that religion is very personal to you and private so, as agreed, I will not ask any deeply invasive personal questions. It is in the public record that you are a Christian and that as a young man you attended a Presbyterian Church with your parents. Is that correct as I have stated it?
A. Yes
Q. Paul was traveling on the road to Damascus when he had a vision that changed his life. Before that, we went by a different name. What was it?
A. Paulie
Q. Jesus witnessed an inappropriate behavior at the Temple and it outraged him. He made a whip of cords and chased the evil-doers out of the Temple. Who were those people?
A. Democrats
Q. Jesus and his apostles met in a upper room for a dinner that has been called The Last Supper. Why is the Apostle Paul not in the paintings of that?
A. Well they didn't have selfie sticks back then, so every time there was a group photo, one person had to step out of it and be the painter.
Q. According the to book of Matthew a woman honored Jesus and anointed his head with an expensive ointment. The disciples were shocked because they said that bottle of ointment could have been sold and the money from the sale could have been given to the poor. But Jesus scolded the disciples, not the woman. What did he say to them?
A. Stop acting like communists.
Q. Herod heard that a future king had been born so he issued a command to kill all the young male babies in the kingdom. Joseph and Mary got wind of this and escaped into Egypt with the baby Jesus. Was this a case of illegal immigration?
A. No
Q. Why not?
A. Because they were white.
Q. How many pairs of clean animals did Noah take on the ark?
A. Did you say pears? The fruit?
Q. I'm sorry. How many couples of clean animals did Noah take on the ark?
A. All animals are pretty filthy, I can tell you that!
Q. When David went to meet Goliath in battle, how many stones did he carry to use in his sling?
A. Seven?
Q. I'm sorry, it was five. But it turns out he only needed one. Do you know why?
A. [Grinning] Because he hit a hole in one!
Q. Jonah was in the belly of a great fish--
A. WHALE!
Q. Yes Sir, Jonah was in the belly of the the whale for how many days?
A. Seven, I mean three, no seven.
Q. What does the seventh commandment forbid?
A. No comment.
Q. Delilah robbed Samson of his great strength by cutting off his what?
A. Testicles.
Q. The book of John speaks of an incident in which a group of Pharisees had captured an adultress. Mosaic law said that adulterers should be put to death. The Pharisees thought they could catch Jesus in a theological trap so they asked him if the Mosaic law should be followed and what they should do to the woman. What was Jesus' answer?
A. Lock her up!
Q. Please read the names from this slip of paper. [Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego]
A. Shad ratch, Mee shatch, Abe Lincoln.
Q. [sighs] Okay, for the last question, here's an easy one: Which is older? The New Testament or the Old Testament?
A. I'd say they are about equal, in my opinion.