Dateline: Austin, Texas, Monday, April 1, 2024 5:38 a.m. CDT
Airlines strike back!
Six major airlines announced at 1:00 a.m. today that effective 5:00 a.m. CDT tomorrow, April 2, females aged 10 to 50 must take a pregnancy test to board flights in Texas. They will urinate on pregnancy test sticks, witnessed by airline employees.
Anyone testing pregnant will be denied boarding, but the airlines say that “so far” they have no plans to share test results with law enforcement.
The ”G. O. Pee rule” comes in response to 100,000 Texas abortion vigilante lawsuits filed last Friday, March 29, against Ameristan Airlines, the largest of the six. Each suit alleges that the airline flew a pregnant person from Texas to a free state, where they had an abortion before flying back to Texas. To be clear, the person getting an abortion cannot be sued under this law.
However, Texas law SB-8 allows an unlimited number of people from anywhere to sue anyone who in any way “aids” or “abets” a person obtaining an abortion. The minimum award is $10,000 plus attorney’s fees for each case.
100,000 cases put Ameristan on the hook for a minimum of $1 billion, plus attorney’s fees and costs that could be hundreds of millions more. These cases involve 1,000 separate abortions, with 100 plaintiffs individually suing the airline for each one.
Diana Dakota of Austin’s KUCK-23 News reported Friday that all 100,000 cases were filed by the Big Karma Law Firm, also of Austin. She interviewed Attorney William B. Still on-air Friday.
Asked why they filed so many cases, Mr. Still replied, “At only ten K each, we need a lot of cases to make it worth the bother. Anyway, relax, this is what the people of Texas voted for. This is what hundreds of thousands of people in Texas and around the world wanted they contributed to pay the enormous costs of these lawsuits.
“And, from their political donations, we see that Ameristan got exactly what they wanted, too. Everybody wins. So hey, Texas, you’re welcome!”
Ms. Dakota noted the carefully curated proof filed with every case, including ticket receipts, boarding passes, and receipts from abortion clinics and hotels in free states. Mr. Still confirmed that the cases are indeed ironclad and that trials are unlikely.
Mr. Still declined to say if or when the Big Karma Law Firm will file masses of similar suits against the other five major airlines in Texas. He said, “All of them openly flout the law every day on a massive scale. Now we have the means to hold them accountable.” Then he just smiled.
Meanwhile, led by Ameristan, airline stocks continue to plunge like a rogue 737-Max, with most share prices down about 45% since Friday.
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You probably realize that this article is April Foolery. If not, who could blame you these days, right? I hope someone can explain in Comments why this couldn’t happen.
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These events are in the first few pages of my widely-unread hilarious, fast-paced, action-packed, blood-drenched American satirical masterpiece, The Big Karma Law Firm: What You Asked For.
[[NOT A JOKE]] April 1 — 15 get a FREE eBOOK edition from B&N, Apple, Google, and Kobo ($0.99 for Kindle/Amazon). Warning, description and LINKS to your copy HERE. Paperback (Amazon) not free. The jokes are on all of us, the laughs are on me.