Washington, DC -- President George W. Bush announced that a comprehensive review of his actions, and those of his Administration, revealed that the nation, widely believed to be on a "war footing" in response to terror threats and attacks, was really on more of a "fishing footing."
The precise terminology of the country's footing has been in dispute since the 9/11 commission heard testimony from Richard Clarke, a former counter-terrorism advisor to presidents from both parties. Clarke's testimony, which described an Administration at odds with logic, facts, and most of the rest of the world, spurred National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to insist that the 9/11 commission let her dispute Clarke's testimony, as long as she didn't have to tell the truth.
Rice also explained that before 9/11, "this country simply was not on a war footing" and that Bush should not be held to such a standard. When asked what kind of footing the country might have been on, judging from the Administration's moods and priorities, Rice offered, "Clearing brush? Probably fishing, now that you mention it. The man does like to get away from it all."
Unnamed sources from the reporters' pool agreed. "Every time Bush goes out to that goddamned ranch, he's talking about clearing brush, or war, but I don't know if he actually follows through. He sure gets out and fishes a lot, though," said one senior correspondent.
The only reporter who would go on the record was Don Gonyea of NPR. "I'm probably screwed after that press conference, so I don't mind talking. Bush spent five weeks right before 9/11 sitting on his ass trying to catch fish. Sure, he had those briefings occasionally, like that 'Bin Laden Determined to Strike US' paper, but he kept fidgeting with his tackle box and poking his worms. Condi's damn right he wasn't on a war footing."
Rice described Gagne as "having political motivations and probably trying to publicize a book. And if he's not, I could ghost-write one for him, because I've got a lot of free time during the day, and nobody tells me what to do."
Sources also mentioned that Attorney General John Ashcroft was on a "fishing footing" that summer as well, as he was seen carrying a fishing rod onto a private jet in late July. Ashcroft said it was just a "coincidence" that he had been told to stop flying commercial planes weeks before 9/11, and explained that he didn't want to spend government funds on the second seat needed for all his fishing equipment. "Plus," said the nipple-and-God-fearing Missourian, "I wouldn't want to make taxpayers pay for my beer-nut tab from the airport lounge."
Senior Administration officials were confident that Bush's actions would not be seen as jeopardizing his "war president" status, though Karen Hughes was sanguine about Bush's chances anyway. "Our polls have a 'fishing president' beating a liberal New England liberal nominee, whether he and his supporters are body-piercing sushi-eaters or aloof snowboarding war heroes."
