Dear NSA
I know you are monitoring this transmission, and that's just hunky-dory, as far as I'm concerned. I know that, as an innocent murkan citizen, I have nothing to fear. Plus, even if Chimpy is dumb enough to view me as a threat, the likelihood of him getting away with this latest outrage is slim. If he does, I'm leaving anyway.
Hey, as long as you guys aren't really busy (I mean, politicians are stuck in Congress, media is trying to decide whether to shit or go blind, and the terrorists are smarter than you), could you relay a quick message for me? I didn't get around to updating my address book, and Wal Mart was all out of cards, so I was a little late in sending out season's greetings to everyone. If you could help me out, I'd really appreaciate it.
I just want the prez to know that his raping of our nation's laws is exactly what I wanted this year. He is such an inspiration! I'm going to piss on the Constitution, burn holes in it, and frame it (under glass, of course, because of the smell, you know) with a little gold plaque that says, "It's just a goddamned piece of paper." Tell him the next bottle's on me.
Cheney, Rummy, Ashcroft and Gonzales didn't forget me either. Halliburton is here helping my state recover from hurricanes, Rummy's killing off my competion for future resources, and Ashcroft and Gonzales are hard at work, making sure that I'm protected from excessive liberty. I can't thank you enough, guys. I'll be thinking about you tonight as I make my calls, and mention you to my good friend Khalik.
Oh, Condi too. Condi's been very loyal and um... loyal... she's shown a lot of loyalty this year. She's been a fine role model, showing young girls what real priorities are. So tell her I said, "Happy fucking Kwanzaa, you submissive twit. Have some pride."
Kindly let Justices Scalia, Thomas, Roberts and other conservative members of our courts know that I don't appreciate the "present" I was given five years ago, so I'm giving it back. I think it's insane.
To the Republican members of Congress, I express my heartfelt thanks for a job well done. Never could I have imagined such efficiency on the part of a political organization. To ruin a country in five years - amazing! Brava!
I realize that they don't let you guys at NSA have a lot of contact with the media, but maybe someone could leak a small something (hint hint). I want Bill O'Reilly to know that the war on christmas is really being fought by a secret jewish freemason organization of elitist feminazi aliens from Pluto. Just thought I'd make that clear. I'm sending Rush a new 'scip pad, since he lost his. Oh, and I'm sending Ann Coulter a picture of me when I dressed as her for Halloween. I quit taking my anti-depressents and snorted a shitload of coke instead. Everybody was really scared.
I'm sure there are people I'm forgetting. I didn't get a thing for Libby, or Bob Novak. I understand they should do well from Santa though - he's giving them shares in coal mines, or timber, or something. Let Brownie know he did a heckuva job - I'll be sending him some souvineers as soon as we decide where to live. Abramoff didn't give me shit... well, except that one time... damn. Well, I'm sure I have an extra pair of handcuffs lying around. We'll call it a gag gift. Hmmm...
Maybe I should send some to the NYT, too.
I have a special wish for Karl Rove this holiday season... but that will have to wait for Fitzmas.
Oh, and just to be sure you get this, cheney suicide terror nuclear iran jihad terror fear bush hate assassinate chemical airplane nuclear gun shrub weapon kill hate terror war iraq drug nuclear anthrax suicide.
Grrr.
