From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Reverend Flip-Flop...
Much has already been written on the whoppers told by the Rrrrrrreverend Pat Robertson during his interview on `This Week with George Stephapalooza.' Like federal judges being a bigger threat to America than al Qaeda or Nazi Germany. Or Muslim-Americans not being worthy as judges or high-level politicians in this country. Or Bill Frist not having a future at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Okay, so we'll give him half a point for that last one.
But C&J caught Robertson with his pants on fire over a comment that didn't get much attention at all. When asked why God allows bad things to happen to huge numbers of people---specifically, the tsunami that hit Asia in December---Robertson batted it aside, saying, "The reason for that tsunami was the shifting of tectonic plates in the Indian Ocean. I don't think [God] changes the magma in volcanoes and I don't think he changes the wind currents to bring about hurricanes. So, I don't attribute that to God..."
Which got us to thinking about this little comment he made about God's wrath on June 6, 1998: "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those [rainbow] flags in God's face if I were you... But a condition like [Gay Day at Disney World] will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about...earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
But never a tsunami. That would be silly.
Cheers and Jeers rocks the boat in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 3, 2005...
Note: If you have an old pair of 3-D glasses (one lens red, the other blue), put `em on to see secret hidden messages in C&J today.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Mother's Day: 5
Percent of May that's over: 9.6%
Amount spent on the 9/11 commission: $15 million
Amount the U.S. government spent investigating the Whitewater and Lewinsky scandals: Over $40 million
Winning auction bid for one of the blue dresses worn by Judy Garland in `The Wizard of Oz': $252,000
(Source: Time magazine)
"Rise" in number of buttock lifts in 2004: 45%
(Source: American Society of Plastic Surgeons)
Percent of Americans who say buh-TOCK instead of BUH-tuk: 57%
(Source: My butt)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Awww... Puppy's first breath. Or is that a prune with jaws?
CHEERS to getting spanked back. Pfc. Lynndie England pleaded guilty yesterday for her role in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. She faces up to 11 years in jail. Meanwhile, back at the Pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld whistled this morning as he spread marmalade on his toast points.
JEERS to Uncle Sam's bad apples. No high school diploma? Drug abuser? No problem! This army recruiter will give you the tools you need to fake your way into the service. And despite such underhanded tactics (we suspect this isn't an isolated incident), the military still isn't meeting its recruiting goals. Rah Rah.
JEERS to the first lady of family values. Alert the FCC! In remarks at the White House Correspondents Association dinner, Laura "Pottymouth" Bush "joked" about 1) jerking off a horse, 2) comparing her mother-in-law to a mafia killer, and 3) going to strip clubs while her husband sleeps. Then she lied about watching `Desperate Housewives' (she's never seen it). We suggest you stick to your day job...whatever that is.
P.S. Extra jeer for this slap in the face: "Kennebunkport [Maine] is like Crawford, but without the nightlife." Well then, ma'am, maybe you should convince your in-laws to sell their compound and get out. We hear the cow-tipping's more fulfilling down yonder anyway.
JEERS to idiotic poll questions. CNN.com yesterday: Are you concerned by N. Korea's apparent test-firing of a missile? No, I'm sure Kim Jong Happypants is just using it to spread Skittles throughout the globe. Catch the rainbow! Wheee!
CHEERS to true love. John Mason still intends to marry his runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks, saying, "my commitment before God to her was the day I bought that ring and put it on her finger, and I'm not backing down from that." Is it bad of me to say I'd marry her just for the royalties she'll get from the book, TV movie, and Us magazine interview? Really??
JEERS to Bill Frist. The Senate video doc ("Rewind! Yep, that's a goiter if I ever saw one.") says he's getting closer... clooooser... clooooooser... to enacting the Crybaby Option. He says there's just nothing more he can do except wipe the foam off the rabid judicial nominees' muzzles and lurch toward a legislative cliff. And the rocks below will be sure to catch his fall.
CHEERS to slick entertainment. Out on DVD today is the surprise smash hit `National Treasure,' in which Nicholas Cage puts the Declaration of Independence in jeopardy. He waves in front of a group of House Republicans.
JEERS to bureaucracy at its worst. A 35 year-old Maine man is being sued on a technicality for child support under our state's "deadbeat dad" statute, even though DNA tests show he's not the father of the child in question. The state is demanding that he pay $11,450. Wow, a new low in our fair state: getting screwed for not getting screwed.
JEERS to H2Omygod. Some guy in Canada was recently awarded $340,000 because he found a fly in his bottled water. And what the hell was the fly doing in there? The backstroke. Ba-da-bump.
CHEERS to open minds in the outfield. Newsweek quotes Red Sox hunk Johnny Damon on gays in pro baseball: "If someone came out on the baseball field, I don't think it would be a big deal ... If I had a gay teammate, I'm sure we'd keep slapping each other on the butt." Um...is 40 too late to try out for the majors, big boy?
JEERS to losing a good character actor. We just read that Mason Adams died last week at 86. He guest-starred on the West Wing and even played the president in `Omen III: The Final Conflict.' But we'll remember him best for the most soothing tag line in advertising: "With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good."
CHEERS to Godfather of Soul. James Brown turns 72 today. We still say "Living in America" is his magnum opus. P.S. You wore a cape to work today in his honor...didn't you?
C&J Flashback: May 3, 2004...
JEERS to staying the course. One year ago today, Dubya reassured us all from his Crawford ranch: "It's a matter of when---not if ---weapons of mass destruction will be found in Iraq." Sure, once we plant `em there.
JEERS to fuzzy math. Paul Wolfowitz tells the House Appropriations subcommittee that "approximately 500" soldiers have died in Iraq. Actual number: 700+. To paraphrase from `Time Bandits': "Oh Wolfie, dear Wolfie, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence." [5/3/05 Update: I wonder if he knows it's up to 1,588?]
And just one more...
CHEERS to songs of the Sith. John Williams's score for `Star Wars: Episode III' gets its nationwide release today, and with the CD comes a DVD of videos set to his amazing themes from the saga. This one is called A Hero Falls. May The Quicktime Be With You.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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*Today's Shameless testimonial:
"Well, I think it'd be a sad day. You know, we're only temporary custodians of Cheers and Jeers ... Cheers and Jeers was to be a place where the rights of the snarky were protected, using the vehicle of extended debate. What a great pity it would be that we would strip away and destroy what has been a very critical element to bring people together."
Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Meet the Press
5/1/05
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