AP Grapevine -- Following Rev. Pat Robertson's lead on Monday, millions of Americans have decided that "take out" is the way to go. Police nationwide have reported a 2,000 percent increase in the number of targeted homicides since Pat Robertson's televised request that U.S. forces "take out" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
In Texas alone, there were 4,513 targeted homicides--most of them against spouses, mortgage lenders, tow-truck operators, and Brittany Spears wannabes. "`I just decided it was time to take him out'--that's what we've been hearing from everyone we've arrested," said Lolapalooza County Sheriff Laslo Ramirez. "Finally, we got tired of so many standoffs with armed idiots, so we decided to take them out. I mean, why the hell not? It saves us a lot of court time and paperwork, you know?"
This sudden nationwide rash of "take outs" has shocked one liberal sociologist and two experts on vigilanteism. But virtually no one else is surprised.
"It's like that movie, Network, you know," said one balding, cherubic, and highly placed Bush administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity. "We're all mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. Already I've got a special counsel, a Democratic senator, and an ex-Secretary of State in my sights. And there's a CIA spook I can't wait to off."
President Bush himself has signed on to the "Take Out, America" agenda. During a brief interruption of his 480-day vacation in Crawford, TX, President Bush said, "Pat Robertson--he shouldn't have bespoke himself before talking, you know. But now, after the benefit of foresight, we're thinking maybe he was on something, I mean onto something. So we're taking a look at our options, making some lists, going to decide who's naughty and nice, know what I mean? I think it's time to give that Jon Stewart guy a little taste of `take out'. And Laura's ready to go `Goodfellas' on that Sheehan gal."
Lest anyone think the nationwide rampage of take outs is random, a USA Everyday poll shows remarkable agreement among Americans as to who should be taken out first. Below is a graph showing the Top 10 Take Out Targets:
Click here to see "Top 10 Take Out Targets" graph!
So, get on the bandwagon, America! Break out your Uzis, your M-16s, your Saturday Night Specials and sawed off shotguns and go after that special someone. Because let's face it: we've tried the 3 C's of conflict resolution--Communication, Cooperation, and Compromise--long enough. Now it's take out time!
from Brainbus.com