From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Dear Santa W. Bush,
This is my Christmas wish list:
A speedy end to the Iraq war
Elimination of the deficit
Clean air and water
A short winter
A strong dollar
Basic civil rights
Social Security in a festively-wrapped lockbox
Harsh penalties for incompetence
Uniform voting machines with paper trails
Osama's capture
Honest answers
An energy policy that makes sense
A world that doesn't hate us
Fair and Balanced news
Basic health care
Stronger corporate oversight
A Koufax Award
A fundamentalist Christian church that follows their own Golden Rule
FDA-approved drugs that don't cause heart attacks
An end to arrogance
And since I have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting any of that, I'll settle for a pack of clean underwear. I'll, uh, e-mail you my size (the blogs have eyes).
Sincerely,
Bill in Portland Maine
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 21, 2004...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Christmas: 4
Days `til 2005: 11
Size of re-enlistment bonus for National Guard recruits: $15,000
Percent by which the Guard has missed its recruitment goal in the past 2 months: 30%
(Source: New York Times)
Number of Mainers expected at last Friday's Red Sox rally: 45,000+
Actual number who showed up: 5,000
Your Puppy Pic of the Day We know just how you feel: http://www.agoldenholiday.com/pics/background1.jpg. Only four more days...
JEERS to belated candor. At yesterday's press conference, President Bush finally...finally...admits that things aren't all peachy-ducky-smooth in Iraq. As if to drive the point home, insurgents massacred at least 22 today at a U.S. military base in Mosul: http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/meast/12/21/iraq.main/index.html. And today C&J reached a milestone: shaking our head for the millionth time over this mega-clusterfrig.
JEERS to today's deadly prescription drug. Good grief, now it's the Alzheimer's drug naproxen that's causing an unacceptable level of heart attacks and strokes: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6739209/. That does it! On January 1 we're switching our HMO to Blue Cross Witchdoctor Plus.
CHEERS to Dramamine. 384 years ago today, 103 Pilgrims arrived at Plymouth, Massachusetts following a rocky two-month voyage aboard the Mayflower. And what are the chances they would just happen to step onto the Plymouth Rock? Freaky.
JEERS to man dates. At yesterday's press conference George Bush says Donald Rumsfeld is "doing a really fine job," that "I know Secretary Rumsfeld's heart," that "He's a caring fellow," and "I have heard the anguish in his voice and seen his eyes when we talk." C&J has three words for the love birds: Get a room.
JEERS to the first day of Winter. In Portland yesterday: snow, ice, howling winds. This morning: the salt water is freezing up as the mercury hovers at exactly zero degrees. Oh, and it's the darkest day of the year. Subtlety...not Mother Nature's strong suit.
CHEERS to Newsweek. Their year-end Conventional Wisdom Watch is a major source of C&J's mojo. Our favorite is the down-arrow for Britney: Number of tacky marriages: 2. Number of hit songs: Zero. Relief that she's totally over: Priceless. The rest here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6733293/site/newsweek/. And thanks for the kudos to us ass-kicking bloggers in our PJs.
JEERS to America, land of opportunity. How badly are wages lagging behind the cost of living? Get this: a person earning the federal minimum wage can afford a one-bedroom apartment plus utilities in only four out of 3,066 U.S. counties (use dailykos/dailykos to log in): http://www.startribune.com/stories/417/5146866.html. So don't tear up your cardboard boxes on Christmas---someone may need them to finish off their living room.
JEERS to conduct unbecoming. Ensign Jenny Kopfstein is one of the twelve gay servicemembers asking a federal court to overturn the military's `Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Deb Price of the Detroit News paints a chilling portrait of life in the Lavender Zone: http://www.creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=dpr. Isn't it time for the toughest army in the universe to deal with its dropthesoapophobia?
CHEERS to hot, horny justice! Online spammers just got hit with a $1 billion fine: http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/12/18/spam.lawsuit.ap/index.html. Who needs a little help getting it up now, fellas?
JEERS to muscle madness. A federal law that kicks in January 20th will make it a crime to sell prohormones and steroid precursors without a prescription, so bodybuilders are spending big $$$ to stock up now. A word to the wise---keep them safely locked up or you may be sorry: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/images/cats/catgiantkitten.jpg.
JEERS to the modern field of battle. Iraq? Afghanistan? Moral values? No...the mall parking lot, where Response Insurance (via Bobsnewswire.com) has identified the four kinds of parking warriors: http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/wire/sns-ap-parking-survival,0,6582889.story?coll=sns-ap-nat
ionworld-headlines. They missed one: the Bus-takers, who get to laugh at them all.
CHEERS to potty breaks. They're much easier to take when you watch movies on DVD. On the release schedule today: `Shaun of the Dead,' `The Simpsons, Season 5,' `The Manchurian Candidate' and `Bill in Portland Maine Riding Down Congress Street in His Big Wheel Wearing only a Bow Tie.' Do yourself a favor: Don't wait for the extended director's cut of that one.
JEERS to bad spelling. On December 21, 1989, Vice President Dan "Potatoe Head" Quayle sent out 30,000 Christmas cards that said: "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." It took my spellchecker 5 minutes to put the red squiggly line under that word, it was laughing so hard.
CHEERS to Old Blood and Guts. On December 21, 1945, General George Patton died from injuries received in a car crash at the age of 60. His words of wisdom for Democrats smarting from the election: "The test of success is not what you do when you're on top. Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom." Pay your respects here: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=1144&pt=George%20Patton. And tuck that shirt in.
CHEERS to beautiful beacons. As mentioned in our Kos profile, C&J loves lighthouses. And how kewl that the one in our backyard was commissioned by George Washington himself: http://www.portlandheadlight.com/. A must-see next time you visit our little corner of paradise. We'll leave the light on for ya.
Cheers and Jeers 6-month Flashback: June 21, 2004...
JEERS to the lazy media. To commemorate an especially tumultuous year for gay rights, Southern Maine stages its largest gay pride parade in years. The Portland Press Herald's coverage? Not one word. (But, gee, thanks for the front-page story on the Jehovah's Witness conference.)
CHEERS to summer. The first full day of the hot season begins in your neck of the woods today. Not here---we're still waiting for the groundhog to make up its damn mind.
And just one more:
JEERS to the gun nuts: http://www.funnypictures2.com/gallery/Christmas/clause. Oh well...Happy Kwanzaa?
Don't forget to nominate Kos for a Koufax Award here: http://wampum.wabanaki.net/archives/001504.html. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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