From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark Goes Rogue!
"Sarah Palin’s new autobiography---that doesn’t come out until November---is already number one on Amazon. And if you go to the Web site, it says, 'People who bought this book also bought...no other books in their entire lives.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
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"During his [U.N.] address, Gaddafi renewed his call for 'Isratine,' which would be one state made up of Israelis and Palestinians. Or as it's known here: Queens."
---Seth Myers
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"Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. I don't want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Wall Street has now come up with a financial instrument called 'Life Settlements,' where investors purchase ill or elderly people's life insurance policies up-front and save 40 cents on the dollar, bundle them, and when the policyholders die, investors get paid. So Wall Street is no longer like some financial criminal saying, 'Your money or your life!' Now they're saying, 'All of the above!'"
---Stephen Colbert
And this:
Clip of Mike Schwartz, chief of staff to Senator Tom Coburn: It's been a few years...since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys who are, like, 10 to 12 years of age. But it is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuals and that's because they don’t want to be that way.
Jon Stewart: Yeah...when did we lose that childlike sense of homophobia? If I'm hearing you correctly, we should all look to 11 year-old boys for guidance on social mores? I guess that's the reason for the party's new slogan: The GOP--We'll Stick a Firecracker Up a Frog's Ass!
And on that delightful note...your west coast-friendly edition Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 2, 2009
Save C&J: Year 3 Update: Wow! In just three days you've contributed just over $10,000 towards the $25k goal to keep C&J going for another year. Thank you! If you're so inclined, here are the options:
One time contribution: click here
$5 monthly contribution: click here
$10 monthly contribution: click here
$20 monthly contribution: click here
To send a check via snail mail, the address is:
Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
I really feel awkward doing this fundraising stuff, so here's an idea that might end this tonight: I will donate a kidney to the person of your choice if you'll write a check making up the difference. One caveat: I get to pick the person whose kidney I will donate...but, to keep it fair, you get to choose the phone book from which I choose the donor. Think about it is all's I'm saying.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Halloween: 29
Days `til the Harvest on the Harbor in Portland, Maine: 20
Number of passengers who visited Portland this week via eight cruise ship calls to port: 12,000
Cost to cruise in one of the MS Queen Victoria's 2,100-square-foot penthouses, which come with a marble bathroom and a (presumably not marble) butler: $43,000
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
Number of years by which the 600-mile George W. Bush US/Mexico Border Fence is behind schedule: 7
(Source: The GAO via The Week)
Percent of vacation home renters who admitted to rifling through the owner's personal stuff: 6%
(Source: USA Today)
Number of letters in "Only six percent? Yeah, right!": 23
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,761
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy and healing... [sniff]...
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CHEERS to promising signs. While the health care debate understandably chews up most of the ink in both the traditional media (print/TV/radio) and mainstream media (blogs), the fight to uphold our same-sex marriage law continues here in Maine. We have a veto referendum in 32 days---a "Yes" vote overturns the law passed in May, a "No" vote kicks the veto to the curb. Here are a couple positive developments of note. First, from our email in-box from the No on 1 campaign HQ:
You did it! Wednesday at midnight, we finished a very successful fundraising quarter with a bang. We exceeded our original goal of $28,000, blew past our revised goal of $40,000, and ultimately raised more than $58,000---which shows that the people of Maine are prepared to protect marriage equality at the ballot box in just 32 days. I want to thank our online community for helping us surpass our fundraising goal.
I'll echo that. When C&J writes about the referendum, the campaign always gets a healthy spike in both donations and volunteers...so thank you! And then there's this from the underground lab of the world's most respected number-cruncher, Nate Silver. His optimism comes with an absolutely necessary warning:
I'd lay about 3 to 1 against the marriage ban passing. But it's liable to be fairly close---clearly a winnable campaign for conservatives and a losable one for liberals, especially if the sort of complacency sets in that we saw in California.
Two words: fat chance. Oh, and one more thing: You remember that ad by the National Organization for Marriage (NOMBLA) that said there was a "gathering storm?" They were right! The forecast calls for cloudy skies with a 100% chance that Maine's ethics commission is launching an investigation into shady fundraising practices by...the National Organization for Marriage. (Wow...it's like they're psychic!)
CHEERS to A Cidade Maravilhosa (The Marvelous City). Like every fine, upstanding American---i.e. everyone but the Republican leadership---I was pullin' for Chicago to host the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. That woulda been cool and I'm sure Barack and Michelle pitched their hearts out to the IOC, but it was not to be this time. Having said that, let me say this: last year Beijing was impressive but oppressive. In 2012 London will be impressive but...Londony. (Is it me or does their logo spell "ZOK"?) But 2016? Oh...mah...gah! Rio is gonna be the block party of the century---a crazy unbridled flamboyant joyous singing dancing humping hugging drinking parading feather-boa-twirling put-yer-hands-together yes-we-CAN-all-get-along blast! And I bet the spectators will have fun, too! Congratulations, South America---you're finally on the Olympic map. 'Bout damn time.
AH-OOO-GAH!!! to somethin' special for our male teenage readers. Hey kids. You know what your pa and grandpa used to do when they were your age and wanted to feel all googly inside? They'd lock the door, reach under their mattress, pull out a dog-eared copy of National Geographic and go gaga over the booby pics. It was a highlight of their day and a time-honored tradition...and it's up to you to continue it. Of course, we know you prefer the internet to the printed page. So here ya go: fresh hot National Geographic boobies! The tradition lives on. (Don't forget the locking the door part.)
CHEERS to life the way it never was...but it sure looked swell! On Sunday's date in 1957, Leave It to Beaver premiered on ABC. About the only realistic part was when June Cleaver did housework in pearls, frilly dresses, and high heels. Is there any other way?
CHEERS to sharing the same sandbox. Boy, talk about indoctrination. For the past 30 years we've been beat over the head with the notion that sitting down at a table with Iranian officials and talking about stuff---like, say, why we're so pissed at each other---would cause civilization to collapse!!! It was so fucking stupid. So what happened when we finally sat down with them this week? Both parties got right down to business, trying to find common ground, that's what. And they succeeded! Everyone agreed that any public servant who says "nukular" is an idiot. I like where this is heading.
CHEERS to portraits in contrast. Forty two years ago today, on Oct. 2nd, 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn in as the newest member of the Supreme Court---the first African-American elevated to the nation's highest bench. He once said:
"Today's Constitution is a realistic document of freedom only because of several corrective amendments. Those amendments speak to a sense of decency and fairness that I and other Blacks cherish."
Today there's an African-American on the bench named Clarence Thomas. He once said, "How did this pubic hair get on my Coke can?" Potato Puhtato.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's gettin' cold out---time to huddle around the warmth of the cathode-ray tube. (If you haven't got a cathode-ray tube, a half a cathode-ray tube will do. If you haven't got half a cathode-ray tube then God bless you. But I digress...)
On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Tom Friedman, Janeane Garofalo, Rep. Marcy Kaptur (D-OH), Author/biologist Richard Dawkins, and EPA director Lisa Jackson. New DVD releases include the 70th anniversary edition of The Wizard of Oz and Monsters vs. Aliens, which I believe is a Republican-funded documentary about their immigration-reform plan. Coal ash and Afghanistan headline 60 Minutes, and Ryan Reynolds hosts SNL. Also there are several sporting events involving a pointed inflatable pigskin and referees who put their hands on their hips a lot (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Now here's your Sunday morning roundup, complete with NEW C&J Vomit Index ratings! (0 = No vomit risk. 10 = Keep a bucket handy...er, better make that two):
Meet the Press: U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice (who, by the way, is so impressive because she has Maine roots); Rachel Maddow and E.J. Dionne vs. David Brooks and Mike Murphy. C&J Vomit Index: 3
This Week: Susan "Aren't ya glad I'm not Condi" Rice; Senators Chuck Schumer and John "Box Turtle" Cornyn; Cokie Roberts and George Will exchange Eskimo kisses (harmless fun). Vomit Index: 8 (7 if George Stephanopoulos doesn’t say a word for the entire hour.)
Face the Nation: I have no idea since they haven't updated their web site. So, assuming it's 30 minutes of dead air, our Vomit Index is 0.
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift tries to get a word in edgewise as the rest of the panel vomits. Vomit Index: 10
Bill Moyers Journal: Fact-based journalism and commentary. C&J Vomit Index for progressives: 0 For conservatives: 10
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: No clue who's on. C&J Vomit Index: 11
Happy watching. Or should we say...Happy wretching? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
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Five years ago in C&J: October 2, 2004
CHEERS to defeat. As in the headline: "House Defeats Gay Marriage Ban Amendment." C&J doesn't normally gloat, but in this case, we hope you'll cut us some slack as we send this gentle message to Dennis Hastert, Tom Delay, and all the other jerks (closeted and otherwise) who voted YES: Thhhhhhpppt! And let's try and get that in the Congressional Record, shall we?
CHEERS to Moore vs. Coulter. They've got new books out tomorrow, and USA Today chronicles the smackdown. But C&J wonders why media critic Jack Shafer describes Michael Moore's book---a collection of letters from troops and their families---as "partisan" and "trash-talking." Ease up on the coffee, dude.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to minty freshness. The new not-a-state quarter is here! The new not-a-state quarter is here!!! Monday saw the release of the latest twenty-five-cent piece (or as it's more commonly known these days: the new penny), and it celebrates The Virgin Islands, the least-accurately-named place on Earth if the rumors are true. (If these Isles are a'rockin'...) The reverse side depicts a bananaquit bird, some flora, and what appears to be a giraffe wearing a giant Rod Blagojevich wig. If you look at it while you're smokin' a doobie, it dances! (Or so I hear.)
Have a fun weekend! Take some time and teach your kids about the wonders of nature. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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