From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
More tweets from Senator Grassley
Pres Obama, I called 3am cuz I wuz WORKIN. Why u not take my call? Putting panting Bo on the line NOT funny. I'm not dog whispruhr!
Sears Srvce Cntr: Get ovr here 'n FIX my DRYER! yur late agn! You blow off all US SENATORS this way?????
Can Baucus tie cherry stem w/TONGUE like me? Doubts.
HELP! NEED PLUNGER! NEED PLUNGER!!!
Ikea SUCKS! Tab D don't FIT into slot E. NOT HAPPENIN'!
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG! 6 Oclock and country still goin' down tubes.
Dont like pina colads or getting' cot in the rain. Not into yoga or champagne. Too bzee WORKIN WKEND!!
Breakfast: corn flkes Lunch: corn chowder w/ corn chps Dinner: corn on cob w/ cornbread
Didn’t mean to say AIG wuz 'suckin TIT of the taxpayer.' Meant to say 'suckin BOOBIE.' Happy now?
Sock suspenders r necessary evil
Goddam I LOVE my GOLD PLATED government hlth car plan. I'm gonna liv 4EVUH 4FREE!!!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Note: Now on sale in the C&J gift shop: limited-edition, hand-painted Thomas Kincaid porcelain Tranquility Lighthouse rectal thermometer. Lights up and makes authentic ocean sounds! Motion activated. Requires 4 size D batteries (not included). Makes a great gift for all the assholes in your life.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Canada Day!!!: 21
Days `til the La Kermesse Festival Franco-Americain in Biddeford, Maine: 15
Rank of "Barack" on the list of most-popular baby names: 2,409
Rank of "Barack" the previous year: 12,535
(Source: Social Security Administration)
Percent decline in immigration from Mexico to the U.S. between 2007 and 2008: 25%
(Source: The New York Times via The Week)
Percent of New Englanders who plan to take a vacation trip this summer: 78%
(Source: AAA)
Number of consecutive school days that Stephanie Zaner attended since she started kindergarten 13 years ago: 2,340
(Source: The Week)
Stanley Cup finals: Pittsburgh 2 Detroit 1 Busted teeth: 6 (Series is tied at 3 games each!)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 167 (including 3 Date Settings and 1 Bikini Girl of the Apocalypse). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Pour me a scotch, Bernie
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CHEERS to branching out. I don't know who green-lighted this, but DKos contributing editor Steve "DarkSyde the Science Guide" Andrew has jumped the orange electric fence and is now also writing columns for Examiner.com. If you've ever wanted to read a user-friendly explanation of the gerbil-and-wheel software that drives Daily Kos, DarkSyde's fills the bill (with a generous shoutout to nyceve). Go give him a click or two and help him climb the ladder to the top of the equivilent of their Recommended List. He'll return the favor with a guaranteed seat for ya on the space station he's building in his back yard. (In yer face, NASA---this one has a Jacuzzi!)
JEERS to playing the world's smallest violin. Pity the poor, poor domestic terrorist. George Tiller's murderer, Scott Roeder, is complaining that his jail cell is too cold. And he needs his sleep apnea machine. And he's lost without his bunny slippers and stuffed Teddy blastocyst (he calls it "Cuddles"). And there was a little too much oregano in the beef stroganoff last night. And it's too drafty. And the blanket isn't hypoallergenic. And the toilet is just sitting there out in the open. And no basic cable! Hey, what can we say? Club Med was booked.
CHEERS to dirty old scientists. On June 10, 1752, Benjamin Franklin strode out into a thunderstorm and flew a kite. Some people say he was trying to harness electricity, but he was actually perfecting the first remedy for erectile dysfunction. (Please don’t make me draw a picture.) Even today the "Franklin Dingle on a Stringle" has distinct advantages over Viagra: it's much cheaper and the only side effect is the occasional electrocution. P.S.---If your erection lasts for more than four hours, go to Facebook immediately and boast about it.
JEERS to getting worked by the refs. One day after some whiner named Stu Rothenberg "resigned" from Hardball because Chris Matthews isn’t All-GOP-All-The-Time (aka "balanced"), Tweety's lineup included Republicans Heidi Harris, Michael Smerconish, Joe Scarborough (whom Matthews practically begged to run for president...yes, PRESIDENT!!!), and the particularly-odious torture advocate David Rivkin. How many Democratic pundits? One---a spokesperson for the ACLU. Does this prove that Tweety was cowed by Rothenberg's tantrum? No. But at best it's a creepy coincidence. And my eyes are still burning.
CHEERS to returning the favor. Wow. Several large banks are paying back $68 billion of their bailout funds, and we're gonna make a cool $1.8 billion profit! Whooooooo!!!!! Who's the suckers now, banksters? Seriously, as one of the patriotic lenders who was willing to risk my hard-earned money knowing I might get nothing in return, I'd just like to say: "Thanks for shopping with U.S. Taxpayers, Inc. I'll take my cut in gumballs, please."
JEERS to those wacky Puritans. On June 10, 1692, the first Salem "witch"---Bridget Bishop---was hung in the name of Our Lord. Which reminds me: Limbaugh won’t be on the air today---he considers it a holiday.
P.S. The Massachusetts General Court exonerated Bishop two hundred and sixty two years later. Gee, why the rush?
CHEERS to smart thinkin'. The problem: rogue nations enriching enough uranium to make very noisy and destructive boom-booms. The possible solution: Fuel Banks:
As part of a new strategy to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons, President Obama plans to seek the creation of the first-ever international supply of uranium that would allow nations to obtain fuel for civilian nuclear reactors but limit the capacity to make bombs, according to senior administration officials. Many arms-control specialists consider the idea of a "fuel bank" controlled by the International Atomic Energy Agency a key way to test the sincerity of Iranian leaders, who maintain that their enrichment program is only for civilian use and necessary because they cannot be assured of energy supplies from other countries.
Many specialists believe an internationally managed fuel bank could also remove the "peaceful use" justification for other nations that might be trying to use a civilian nuclear program as cover to make nuclear weapons.
As an incentive to get governments to sign up, anyone who opens an account in the next 30 days gets a free uranium-powered toaster.
CHEERS to Mr. Hat. The comedic gifts of RNC chairman Michael Steele just keep on giving:
So he offered another analogy: The GOP is a hat. Some people wear a hat frontwards, others cocked to the left, he explained. Some wear it backwards, he added, echoing a past statement,"because that’s how they roll." But "the strength of the party is in this: the fact that you’re willing to put the damn thing on... The problem we’ve had as a party is: too many of our friends, neighbors, colleagues are taking the hat off, because we’ve decided we don’t like the way they wear it... The GOP is not about how you wear the hat, but the fact that you want to wear the hat."
I don’t do visual punchlines that require you to click a link. Except sometimes.
CHEERS to Mr. Deeds goin' to town. Creigh Deeds (better known by his anagram, "Iced Hedgers"), won the Democratic GooberandRaisinettetorial primary in Virginia last night. And that can mean only one thing: Terry McAuliffe is now free to roam the cable news networks and Sunday morning talk shows like a crazed wildebeest on the Serengeti. The horror. The horror.
CHEERS to that shining city area on a hill surrounded by gaseous swampland. Two hundred and sixteen years ago today, in 1793, Congress voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation's capital. It would take another seven years before the new joint would be up and running. Mainly because they had a dickens of a time convincing the escort services to make the move.
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Five years ago in C&J: June 10, 2004
WOW to Reagan's Arrival in D.C. The riderless horse. The F-15s flying the missing man formation. The caisson carrying the flag-draped casket. The 21-gun salute. The spit and polish and military precision. And those haunting muffled drums. Love the man or hate him, if you didn't at some point get a goosebump at the spectacle of it all, call 911---you've got no pulse.
JEERS to revisionist history. Did you know Reagan presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. history? If you said yes, you've been punk'd. Your liberal media hard at work.
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And just one more...
JEERS to President Barack Oblassss-phemy! The downsized Keebler elves who struck out on their own and created "The" Politico have made an amazing discovery: our new president has invoked the name Jesus Christ more than his predecessor. It's technically true, yes. But what "The" Politico won’t tell you is that 95 percent of those references end with, "...is there anything in this country Bush didn’t break???"
Have a great day. Go do something patriotic for your country. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
[T]here's a contradiction embedded in the lure of Cheers and Jeers. Sure, you can craps-table your way to financial ruin, but the lap dances, the glorified college drinking binges, the ritualized ordering of hookers: It's all about as spontaneous as a shuffleboard tournament on a cruise ship.
---Owen Gleiberman
Entertainment Weekly
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