From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
President Bush: Hack Psychic
Nine months ago, in preparation for a move to Florida to start a new life, a good friend of ours (I'll call him Wayne) sought the wisdom of a Portland psychic (I'll call her Zelda). Zelda apparently pushed all the right buttons. "It was like she knew everything about me," gushed Wayne, reciting all her predictions of a sparkling future in Orlando---from career to love life and everything in between. Pulling up the stakes was literally `in the cards' for Wayne. And off he went.
Last week Wayne moved back to Maine. Things didn't work out they way he---or his psychic's crystal ball---had planned. When I asked him about the accuracy of Zelda's predictions, he said that she had gotten it all wrong. And he was just a bit miffed.
And I got to thinking. Our current president's track record is virtually no better than that of a hack psychic. From Iraq to jobs to deficit reduction to the effect of tax cuts to Bull markets on Wall Street to No Child Left Behind to securing our infrastructure from terrorist attacks...[pauses to catch breath]...to nabbing Osama to the Medicare discount drug card plan to "saving" Social Security and that whole line of bullshit about being a uniter not a divider, George W. Bush has dangled one rosy prediction after another in front of our faces. And he has gotten it all wrong.
It's difficult not to smirk at Wayne's gullibility, but at least he learned his lesson and won't be visiting Zelda the two-bit psychic again. Last November, however, 62 million gullible Americans dragged us all back for a second 4-year session with Preznit The Magnificent. I, for one, want my money back.
Happy Monday. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 16, 2005...
Note: Last week we meant to warn you that the furniture in C&J had been freshly painted. Since the sign at our entrance says "Enter At Your Own Risk," we regret that we can not pay your cleaning bill. On the bright side, the blue stripes look good on you.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Memorial Day: 14
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith': 3
Number of employees who will lose their job as a result of closing or downsizing four military facilities in Maine: 6,938
States with a higher number of potential losses: 1 (Connecticut, at 8,586)
Number of Americans living abroad: 4 million
(Source: Associated Press)
Number of deaths in Russia for every 100 births: 106
(Source: The Public Interest via The Week magazine)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day I don't know if the owner should be congratulated or punished for this. I just hope that puppy really knows the meaning of "stay."
CHEERS to ripping into the soft flesh of journalistic hacks. C&J woke up Friday morning to find Kos & Co. debunking an attempted smear campaign against Harry Reid by the Washington Times. The bogus story died a quick death. Hey Moonie gang! Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.
JEERS to bait and switch. Last Thursday, Navy Secretary Gordon England gave Maine's Portsmouth Naval Shipyard a commendation for its "phenomenal record of cost, schedule, quality and safety performance." The very next day---!!!---the shipyard and 4,510 employees were targeted for termination. Okay, Sens. Snowe and Collins...time to spend your political capital and put a stop to this nonsense. And Gordo...you're an ass.
CHEERS to conspiracy theories. Here's mine regarding the base closures announced Friday: America's military is being consolidated in the south so that they can rise up and finish the Civil War they started (but haven't let go of) 145 years ago. I know this because "Dixie" was piping through my tinfoil hat all weekend long. (The Meco version grooves.)
JEERS to losing our favorite family. Holy crap! Tonight is the series finale of `Everybody Loves Raymond.' The Barones made scheming and squabbling an art form, and we're sorry they're leaving our living room for good. Memo to Emmy voters: don't even think of snubbing Peter Boyle a 7th time in a row.
CHEERS to picking up the pieces. C&J EXCLUSIVE!! Jeff Gannon is gainfully employed again. Click here and scroll down a tad. It's just our opinion, but we think it's a perfect fit.
CHEERS to party progress. On Friday the Yearly Kos team posted an update on the Yearly Kos convention, scheduled for mid-June, 2006. Even if you're not sure you're going, tell us what your dream agenda would look like. Just remember this is a serious political event, not a sex-filled, furniture-busting boozefest. (Never mind that last sentence...it's a reminder for me, not you.)
JEERS to Condi the Conqueror. In yet another "super duper secret" trip to Iraq by an administration official who got us into this mess, Secretary of the Sith Darth Rice popped in to say, "Agghhh! Hit the dirt!!" She later plastered a yellow "Support the Troops" ribbon on an unarmored Humvee and got the hell out. Y'all come back now, hear?
CHEERS to girl power. Now crowded into the Top-10 on the New York Times best-seller list: books by Goldie Hawn, Jane Fonda, Jenny McCarthy, and Brooke Shields. We'll pass on them all, thank ya...but anyone who helps shove Michael Savage's rabid screed down the list is golden in our, um, book.
CHEERS to stepping in doodoo. Senate majority leader Bill "Trust Me, I'm a Hack" Frist found himself surrounded by protestors as he went shopping for shoes right under the offices of Americans United to Protect Social Security. The kicker: he also got a parking ticket. Happy Friday the 13th, Senator.
JEERS to bedside politics. Remember how Bill Clinton got lambasted for letting his friends stay in the Lincoln bedroom? Well, it turns out that George W. Bush is hosting lots of slumber parties of his own. Think the media will have a field day with this? In your dreams.
CHEERS to smart shopping. Last week someone brought our attention to a web site called Buy Blue, where you can find out the political leanings of dozens of American companies. Today we weep, for tonight we must burn our Fruit of the Looms.
CHEERS to going out of your head. Tonight on Penn & Teller's Showtime series, `Bullshit': "We'll expose the truth behind the lucrative mind games industry, tracing its history to the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud. We'll weave our way through all the trends in psychobabble, including the latest scam, life coaching." They're just crazy enough to tackle it.
CHEERS to thinking outside the primary box. Democrats met over the weekend to discuss the way we choose our presidential contender every four years. Should we steal Iowa and New Hampshire's mojo and give other states a chance to lead the way...or maintain the status quo? I dunno...take the poll, oh wise one.
C&J Flashback: May 16, 2004...
CHEERS to `Troy.' Brad...Eric...Orlando! Those flowing locks! Those heaving pecs! Those bulging biceps! But why did they go and ruin it by talking?
CHEERS to `The Simpsons.' In a sumptuous skewering of right-wing, I-love-America-More-Than-You frenzy, Homer and family end up in jail---er, "re-education center"---for not being patriotic enough. If Matt Groening turns up missing, search John Ashcroft's basement.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the music of Windows. Who knew Microsoft Windows could sound so kewl? But they missed one: the bold percussive sound of my PC crashing.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Cheers and Jeers is popular in Egypt, I can tell you that... Of course, there are people who are requesting change and they are also voicing their opinions in the streets of Cairo today and nobody's stopping them."
Egyptian Prime Minister Ahmed Nazif
Meet the Press, 5/15/05
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