From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
[Applause!]
It's time for the game show no one's been screaming for! Welcome to History: Cruel...or Kind? Let's play!
Contestant #1: Republican margin-dweller Mike Huckabee asserts that gay couples aren't fit to adopt children because "Children are not puppies."
History will be kind because...factually speaking, he is correct inasmuch as children are, indeed, not puppies. A Republican who utters a true statement, no matter how idiotic his larger point, is a trailblazer.
History will be cruel because...gay adoption---and even gay marriage---is already a reality in many states and will happily spread across the country, gaining legal and social approval and making such statements as "children are not puppies" seem as outdated as "Blacks will destroy unit cohesion if the military tries desegregation."
Verdict: History will be CRUEL. Mike Huckabee is smart enough to know better, but chooses instead to sell his soul to the lowest common teabagger. He'll always have a portrait hanging in the Arkansas statehouse, but other than that he'll mostly be a political asterisk whose legacy becomes increasingly rancid with age.
[Applause!]
Contestant #2: In "the largest gathering of countries by an American President dedicated to a specific issue in decades," Barack Obama convenes a summit to "secure all vulnerable nuclear materials around the world within four years."
History will be kind because...implementation of even a few ideas at the summit will help prevent those annoying little boom-booms of mass destruction that can ruin even the brightest optimist's day. It's a step in the right direction, and by default a helluva lot more productive than sneering to our allies, "Yer either with us or against us." Which reminds us: bonus points to the president for knowing how to say nuclear.
History will be cruel because...world leaders have an insatiable desire to prove they've got the biggest balls or hoo-ha in the room, and things like this can fall apart and end up in the proverbial dustbin.
Verdict: History will be KIND. As Obama himself says, this is one step toward the closest thing we can get to a nuclear-free world---a noble goal for which even Saint Reagan advocated. There will be other initiatives that supplement this one during his presidency---some successful and some not so much---and, on balance, they'll make the world safer. Then maybe we can cut our obnoxiously bloated defense budget and buy ourselves some ice cream.
[Applause!]
Contestant #3: Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour claims that there's no need, really, to mention slavery during "Confederate History Month," saying that "It’s trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn’t matter for diddly."
History will be kind because...um...er... Well, he used the proper contraction for "does not."
History will be cruel because... WTF??? Have you lost your mind, man? Look, if you guys down there get your rocks off on commemorating and re-enacting battles from the war, then call it "Confederate Military Studies Month." But if you're gonna call it "Confederate History Month," you need to follow the golden rule: no whitewashing allowed.
Verdict: History will be CRUEL. Sorry, Barbour, but you can't give history a shitty haircut like that and get away with it. But good luck running for president! The droopy-eyed, lazy drawl schtick worked wonders for your buddy Fred Thompson.
[Applause!]
Thanks for playing and enjoy the luggage!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Note: This is a test of the Emergency Republican Minority Whiner System. This is only a test: "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! HELL NO YOU CAN'T!!!" Had this been an actual emergency you would've been instructed to ignore them. This concludes this test. "HELL NO IT DOESN'T!!!" [Whap!] Go dry out, Boehner.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Kentucky Derby: 18
Days `til the Inman Park Festival in Atlanta: 11
Size of New Moore Island, which vanished beneath the waves, thanks to climate change: 1.4-sq. miles
Top speed of the "Solar Impulse" solar-powered plane during its successful 90-minute flight last Wednesday: 28mph
Number of solar cells on the aircraft, which has the wingspan of a 747: 12,000
Age at which Ruth Hayes Greene received her high school diploma in Perth Amboy, NJ: 98
Age when I realized I'd forgotten everything I learned in high school: 18
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
If Democrats would allow the blacks off of the plantation, they’d realize how conservative most of them are.
Seriously.
---Commenter Thackagency at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Attention criminals in Reading, PA: You are so effing screwed...
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CHEERS to draining the WMD swamp. I have good news and bad news. Good news: at yesterday's nuclear summit (Has Obama ever looked more suave and in control? Mercy me!) The leader of Ukraine said his country was getting rid of all its highly-enriched uranium. Bad news: He also said his country had already flushed it down the john. Guess that explains all the rat-bench-pressing-a-BMW sightings in Kiev.
JEERS to the perfect storm: bankster edition. Why do I love unfettered free-market capitalism so much? Because it's what makes America the land of limitless opportunities...to fuck things up:
Before Washington Mutual collapsed ... its executives knowingly created "a mortgage time bomb" by steering borrowers to subprime mortgages and turning the loans into securities the company knew were likely to go bad, one of the most extensive investigations into the causes of the financial crisis has found. [...]The documents to be disclosed on Tuesday also reflect that employees routinely fabricated lending documents.
Thank god regulatory safeguards were in place:
Regulators failed for years to properly supervise the giant savings and loan Washington Mutual, even as the company wobbled ... a federal investigation has concluded.
Happy now, Ms. Rand?
CHEERS to chicks in space. Did you know there are only three more Space Shuttle missions before the program is shut down? Do you know how sad that makes me? Did you know that it's a total question-mark when we'll send humans back "up there?" Do you know how small and backward-evolving the world will feel until we do? Did you know there's also good news? Do you know there's now a record four women floating up in space? Did you know one of their husbands may have joked that, "In space, no one can hear you nag?" Do you know term "Dead man walking?"
P.S. Forty years ago today, while en route to the Moon, Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell announced, "Houston, we've got a teensy weensy itty bitty little ol' problem here!" Fortunately the craft made it back safe and sound, thanks to quick-thinking NASA technicians and NASA cafeteria worker Betty Thorwick's hairpin. (It's a long story).
CHEERS to green shoots (non-economic-recovery-metaphor edition). Hey, this is good news: the worldwide deforestation rate declined for the first time on record, according to the U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization:
In North and Central America, the forest area remained fairly stable, while in Europe it continued to expand, although at a slower rate than previously.
"For the first time, we are able to show that the rate of deforestation has decreased globally as a result of concerted efforts taken both at local and international level," said Eduardo Rojas, Assistant Director-General of FAO's Forestry Department.
"Not only have countries improved their forest policies and legislation, they have also allocated forests for use by local communities and indigenous peoples and for the conservation of biological diversity and other environmental functions. This is a very welcoming message in 2010 - the International Year of Biodiversity.
Naturally, there's a "but" "however" coming up...
"However, the rate of deforestation is still very high in many countries and the area of primary forest---forests undisturbed by human activity---continues to decrease, so countries must further strengthen their efforts to better conserve and manage them," he added.
I was just thinking (and you can try this too): what if I was a space alien with a giant hand and I reached down and picked up Earth---what would it feel like? I'm thinking it would feel like retrieving a jawbreaker from a sandbox that had just that fallen out of a two-year-old child's mouth. Shit, I'd throw that slimy thing in the trash. And then I'd go wipe my hand off on Neptune. (As if it needs to be said, I'm a very uncouth alien.)
CHEERS to the best of a vanishing breed. The Pulitzer Prizes were announced yesterday, and you can check 'em out here. (C&J failed to win one, but that which does not kill us only makes us...um...either stronger or whinier. I forget which.) Congrats to all the winners, but especially to a huge friend of progressive blogs:
Editorial cartooning: Mark Fiore, self-syndicated, for his animated cartoons appearing on SFGate.com, the San Francisco Chronicle website, where his wit, extensive research and ability to distill complex issues set a high standard for an emerging form of commentary.
Awesome. If you haven't checked out his stuff in awhile, here...get addicted all over again.
CHEERS to the Sage of Monticello. Happy 267th birthday to founding father Thomas Jefferson! Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents says that, true to the Blogger Code of Conduct, he "was fond of greeting ambassadors in his pajamas." No wonder I always liked him so much. Powder your wig, pull up your stockings (ladies, you too) and pay your respects.
P.S. And when you're done paying your respects, pull down your trap door and point your tuckus toward the Texas Board of Education. (Jerks.)
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Five years ago in C&J: April 13, 2005
JEERS to belated admissions. During a `surprise' visit to Iraq ("Uncle Donnie's here! Uncle Donnie's here!"), Rumsfeld admits that---shucks---"We don't have an exit strategy". Thus concluding the longest nap ever by a sitting Secretary of Defense.
JEERS to cautionary tales. Last week, Florida passed a bizarre law saying it's fine for a citizen to use deadly force simply because he feels threatened. Now `The Week' magazine reports that, in Tokyo, a man at a taxi stand "preemptively" stabbed the guy behind him because he was threatening him with a dirty look. Remember that next time you're trying to cut in line at Space Mountain.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the triumph of good over evil. If people are hurting from a major tragedy somewhere in the United States, you can count on one thing: the assholes from the Westboro Baptist "Church" will show up to exercise their First Amendment right to be gutter-minded morons. Last weekend they traveled to West Virginia---with signs like "God Hates WV" and "Thank God for Dead Miners"---to kick the families of the 29 dead coal miners while they were down. John Cole at Balloon Juice reports that the locals were fired up and ready to go:
Other states might stage peaceful counter-protests or sing songs about unity, but you pricks come to WV spewing your bile and we’ll follow you around making large farty sounds and have our rednecks with mullets and big dips of Copenhagen scream bible verses at you while threatening you and telling you to get back home. Get your weak shit out of here.
Check out the highlights here. I admit it's the first time I've ever gotten a lump in my throat during a John Denver song. Good on ya, WV.
Have a nice Tuesday. Be wary of grownups. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Unemployment insurance benefits! COBRA! Nuclear arms reduction! Energy! Immigration! Financial Reform! Supreme Court nomination! Or...20 suspensions and Cheers and Jeers. Depends on how you look at things.
---David Waldman
4/12/10
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