How to build your own business, Mitt Romney style
1. Create a startup business space - Start by building your own house. Many businesses start in a garage, so you'll likely need one of those.
After you're back from mixing concrete with a churn and chopping down trees with handmade axes for building spars, you can probably take a break by using thatch you strung together yourself for the roof - shingles require tar and you probably won't find enough close to the surface of the earth to harvest yourself.
As your business expands, you'll have to head over to a strip mine and dig out enough iron for the steel to make larger buildings. (Did I mention you'll need to bone up on how to anneal and temper steel? Also glass.) Wikipedia has some useful starting info on basic construction techniques, which you'll have to skip reading. You're doing this yourself, remember? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Which you made. After learning shoemaking.
2. Hire a workforce - actually, since you're doing all this without outside assistance, birth a workforce. I would say find a wife for that, but you're operating solo, so pop a rib out and fashion a wife. (We'll allow that God might have to show you how to do it once, but after that the fashioning is up to you.)
You may have initial trouble growing your payroll, waiting 9 months (plus 12-14 years) for each of your employees to be viable. Luckily, you have 24 ribs! That should help. Just don't get in a fight with any of your hirelings - you're basically a jello bowl of unprotected organs at this point. (With finely-tuned self-surgical skills and exquisite pain tolerance.) Remember, you'll be changing (woven leaf) diapers, feeding and educating all the fruits of your own labor from birth to adulthood, so start slow. You planted enough acreage and raised enough livestock, right?
3. Build an infrastructure - you'll need roads - not just from your house to your business, but also out to all your customers, which, if you're a savvy businessperson, is everyone in the world. You'll need to build the global transportation infrastructure. There's already one there, you say? You didn't build that! Tear it down. It'll just hamper your free enterprise. Likewise for the electrical grid and existing water and
sewage systems, but take that last one apart carefully. If you haven't decided yet what your product line will be, I might recommend asphalt.
4. Marketing - no business can succeed if no one knows about it. Luckily television is invented. But unluckily, you didn't invent it! You might try telepathy, but I'd just stick with paper marketing. So learn how to make pulp from wood and turn it into paper, or if that's not in your time budget, write on leaves. Internet advertising is effective, but the government laid the groundwork for that in the 1960s and 1970s - it would just taint your message. So walk around and yell a lot about how awesome your business is.
5. Customer care - You're a global exporter now, which means you learned shipbuilding and welded quite a few keels. Your product is everywhere - now you have to stand behind it. Picking up all of the world's 6500 languages so you can communicate with your customers is unnecessary - 2000 of those are spoken by a total of less than 2 million people worldwide, and you can afford to leave them out of your customer base. So, just 4500 languages. In fact, if you just picked up French, German, Polish, Hungarian, Portugese, Spanish, Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, Russian,
Italian, Swedish, Danish, Indian, Arabic, Afrikaans, and Swahili, you'd cover most everyone. Piece of cake! Reading AND writing, though - you need product manuals. Also, you've set up a banking system to handle payments from all your customers. No chance you would forget that! You have family and payroll to cover! Luckily for you, your payroll is your family.
6. Bennies - A well-compensated workforce is a happy workforce. That means, among other things, health insurance. So back when you were performing major surgery on yourself while awake and unanesthetized to build that workforce, I'm betting you set up an HMO, hospitals, doctors, dentists, medical equipment supply chains, and hospices.
7. Retirement - Every businessperson wants a place to relax on vacation and when their working days are over. How thoughtless that there's nowhere left on earth for you to create a natural getaway, with nature being premade and all that. You're just going to have to build another planet. And invent interplanetary space travel.
Now you can kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You built a business yourself - with no outside help whatsoever! You're the most well educated person the planet has ever seen, having had to master all fields of human study, and, thanks to your need to rebuild the intrinsic links between all parts of the global economic framework, you are the sole supplier for every product and service on Earth. Also, it's the year 3,148,493. You did sort out how to make yourself immortal, right?
You can do all that...or, as a business owner, you can just admit that there are some things, which help your business or even make it possible at all, that you didn't build, and express gratitude to those who did for enabling your entrepreneurial spirit. IT'S COMMON EFFING SENSE.
