OK. Chill out. We know Donald is addicted to approval. He’s a narcissist. There’s a copy of Mien Kampf on his bedside table (somebody should really explain to him how that ended). He imagines throngs of people standing on the streets loudly cheering him and his entourage of underage semi nude models chanting “best president ever”. He desperately wants to win the White House for a second term, maybe more, maybe even as many as the president who won the most presidential elections in history.
So let’s talk about FDR:
FDR won 4 presidential elections. He was so fucking popular that presidential term limits were implemented. The “New Deal” during the FDR administration brought the country back from the Great Depression with a massive soending program aimed at main street. Today is the beginning of The Great Depression 2.0. Trump can draft, pass and implement the “Art of the Deal Act” only bigger and better. Trump is a “populist” at least according to the pundits. He has no ideology. No real party affiliation. He just craves approval and I have the blueprint for how he can get it.
My official memo to Trump as the head of his “campaign to re-elect the president” (C.R.E.E.P.) is below:
Aloha Mr. President. Thank you for the privilege of serving as your political advisor. I’d like to sketch out your 2020 talking points and legislative strategy to insure your landslide victory, one even bigger than the historic Trump victory in 2016 or Nixon ‘72. We will be using COVID-19, your incoherent press briefings, and the extinction of our economy as positives instead of negatives. Together we will get the country to realize what a truly great leader you are.
First, let some CEO’s get wiped out. Not Ivanka or Jared or any of your buddies. Maybe just the ones you hate because they never took you seriously. Mark Cuban comes to mind. Most voters are unemployed and hate CEO’s anyway. Everyone loves to see someone get fired, especially after they’ve been laid off and evicted. The richer the fucker being fired the better. Great ratings.
(Idea: A new HGTV show: Section 8 Apartment Hunters: Former CEO addition).
Next: Spend Generously, take care of Main Street:
I’m thinking universal income, aid to small mom and pops, hospitals, and states, red or blue. A full year of mortgage and rent relief with no penalties. Homes for the homeless. New minimum wage rules that pay “essential” services workers as well as congressmen. A universal fully funded health insurance program. Ask Bernie privately for some ideas and you’ll co-opt his supporters (make sure he signs an NDA).
You do realize that Bernie’s supporters hate Biden, yeah?. They’ll be the first to come out and vote for you when you endorse the meaty parts of Bernie’s platform due to an economic emergency, or whatever, while Biden tries to eat his cereal, focus on the teleprompter, and whine about “the temperature in here” live on Rachel’s split screen.
I realize these are “socialist” ideals but you are not an idealist. You are the president. That pedophile and “Me Too” perpetrator Clinton got a second term even after getting sucked off and leaving his DNA in the chair you now fart in. That Kenyan socialist bastard got two terms, he wasn’t even from here, but he pretended to walk the populist line in desperate times, snuffed the guy who voted to impeach you (we should talk about Mitt, maybe later), and won a second term. Even Bush the dumber won his second term and all without help from his daddy’s friends supreme court appointees.
In these desperate times you, Mr. President, deserve three terms.
Here’s why you should heed my advice:
Independents and women will come over to your camp. African Americans and Latinos will be stunned and motivated to vote for you because of your activism, caring, and understanding of the systemic racism they are subject to and how it effects their economic standing and personal security. Andrew Cuomo will shrink into the shadows, frozen in fear of the truly populist beast you have become. Chris Cuomo will come out of hiding from his basement only to witness a bizzaro political world turned upside down. He will doubt his sanity. He’ll think he’s still having hallucinations that only an acid freak like Hunter S Thompson should have to endure. That scenario alone should be enough to motivate you to endorse my strategy.
I know this is outside the box thinking Mr. President but you are your own man. There is nobody who can “tell” you what to do. You owe nobody anything and your second term is there for the taking. So take it! Biden will be tongue tied, the left will call it bullshit but when you present these mandates to Pelosi you’ll bring her to her knees! AOC’s head will explode! Kentucky is currently getting hammered with COVID so you’ll be able to save McConnell’s job and he will whip the senate in line. Republicans will never leave you, they have nowhere else to go. Except for Mitt, and fuck him anyway.
Mr. President: By heeding my advice you can achieve the total destruction of the democratic party while winning a second term and becoming more popular than the four term FDR, who died with an 80% approval rating even after he was confined to a bed and his wife took over the business. Who knows? A new constitutional amendment removing presidential term limits and tossing out the separation of powers might be yours for the asking. Melania could run the show when the syphilis gets debilitating. She could probably use the pension. BTW, in case you’re worried about who’s gonna pay for all this, please don’t forget, just like every other deal you’ve done, you won’t be using your money, you’ll be using other people’s money. No risk, all gain. These are monumental times pregnant with opportunity. You can’t lose.
Mr President, the window is open now. By the end of summer it will be closed. Act quickly. Don’t snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Good luck everybody.
SNARK!
