Transcript of Bernie’s meeting with the Pope:
B: Your holiness, thank you for inviting me to meet with you.
P: Actually, I don’t think I invited you. I think you invited yourself.
B: Don’t believe everything you read in the New York Times.
P: Why did you want to see me, Bernie?
B: I’d like to petition to be canonized.
P: What makes you think you should be canonized?
B: Well, I’m pure as the driven snow, for starters.
P: That isn’t actually a requirement for sainthood.
B: So what are the requirements?
P: You have to be responsible for two miracles.
B: Done.
P: What are your miracles?
B: The bird. That’s one. St. Francis of Assisi’s got nothing on me.
P: Yes, that was cute, the way that little bird flew down and perched on your podium, despite your doing your best impersonation of a scarecrow. And what do you propose as your second miracle?
B: Winning New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Connecticut and California by 60-40% and surpassing Hillary for the delegate lead in the home stretch of the campaign.
P: But you haven’t actually done those things, not yet, anyway.
B: You’re just like the rest of them. “No, we can’t."
P: In any case, to be eligible, your miracles must be post-mortem.
B: Didn’t you hear, Kos declared me dead on March 15. So what do you say, your holiness?
P: Well, you can’t really apply for sainthood, Bernie, any more than you can invite yourself to an audience with the Pope.
B: And yet: here I am. And have you seen my following? I’ve got disciples coming out the wazoo.
P: Careful, now. You don’t want to start comparing yourself to Jesus Christ.
B: I wouldn’t do that. Although I do like the way he handled the money-handlers in the temple. Reminds me of me.
P: Bernie, it’s been fun, but I really have pressing papal business to attend to.
B: So you’ll think about it?
P: I’ll get back to you. But Bernie?
B: Yeah?
P: Don’t call me. I’ll call you.
