Last Friday I wore a dress and I don't think I've ever felt more uncomfortable in my own skin in my life, certainly not for decades at least. Let’s keep in mind that I’ve been a professional belly dancer for more than thirty-five years. And I sang in a band in the 80s, with all the attendant lace clothing and Madonna inspired outfits (sans the pointed bra, of course, because why?) This felt like being back in high school when the gang chicks used to call me ‘Skin Tight’ because I wore Dittos pants. (Anyone remember those?)
I don’t know when I suddenly became so critical of my own skin, but there it was. Far too much excess even though I’m a size 14. ‘You’re so fat. That’s disgusting. No wonder you’re single. You’re so fat. You’re so disgusting. Who would want you?’ It’s like a mantra that runs through the mind of so many woman and here I was becoming one of them in the worst way. My own 55 year old body betrayed by my 35 year old mind.
A few days ago, I read the story about how Dani Mathers (Who? Playboy model.) took a picture of a naked woman at her gym and rather than sending it to her friend with the caption 'If I can't unsee this then you can't either' she sent it to all her fans on Snapchat. She deleted it and apologized (hah!) with an ‘I was just being privately mean, please love me’ apology that we all know means ‘I’m really just sorry I got caught. I’ll probably do it again and be more careful next time.’
After looking at the first link to the article, I had seen this poor woman's naked body several times, on two different websites since some of them hadn't blacked out the image yet. I was horrified for this woman. I kept hoping she would come forward in a fiery rage and denounce Mathers and show that this had made her strong not weak. That she was proud of her naked body and the work she had put into it. My hope for the insecurities in all of us.
Mathers' apology only made it worse. You see, she really only meant to send it to ONE person so she could be snarky and horrid. The mea culpa sticks in the throats of most and the 'I only meant to be mean privately.' hasn't won her any friends. That night I read dozens of posts on her Facebook page and some of them were equally horrid. I do hope the victim sues her and donates the money to help bullied kids or something. I don’t hope she dies. I don’t hope she gets a raging disease. I hope she learns an actual lesson instead of just pretending she’s not ‘that person’. She betrayed all of us Thursday. Even those of us that once felt secure in our skins, but got older and are now not as secure because this culture tells me I’m no longer as relevant as when I was young and reasonably attractive. I remember when I was young and I couldn’t imagine being old and unhappy with my body. I always figured I’d be some skinny, white haired lady who looked like an artist. Shit. That hasn’t happened yet, and the between stage is freaking killing me.
I read the article last Thursday night. And on Friday, as part of my 'wear different clothing and stop wearing the same shit all the time' strategy, I wore a dress. It's a cute enough tank dress from Victoria's Secret. It fit well and while I was busy criticizing my body in it, I made myself walk out the door and head to the office. I live a mile from work and I could barely get out of the car, even though I had (I thought) put much of the article out of my mind. I had to walk across a parking lot where a couple men were talking. I ran into someone’s client in the lobby and wanted to run. The dress was too thin, too revealing, too tight, I was too fat, too old, too EVERYTHING IS WRONG HERE!
I still teach belly dance. I teach women (and men) to be the queen (or king) of fucking Sheeba on stage. I can ooze confidence when I need it. So, why you fail me now?
My only answer was that the women who should stand up for me would now judge me as well as the men. Anyone that looked at me was looking because I was wrong to try to look nice and not because I had on a cute dress. I work for myself. I could have gone home and changed, but I got busy and needed to stay. I tried not to stand up in front of clients. And when I left for the night and had to drop mail at the post office, I had to talk myself into going in there as well. I couldn’t face the grocery store and I came home.
I’m tough. I’ve survived some serious shit in my life. I don’t think I need to be undone by a fucking dress. Really? That’s going to be the thing that makes me cry this year? I beg you, no.
I got home. I looked at myself in the mirror. Could I see a bit of cellulite through the dress? Yes, but I had to be standing a certain way. Did I look disgusting? No, but posture was definitely a thing. Bad posture es no bueno in a form fitting dress. Even with the cute gathers on the side. All in all, I gave myself a ‘let’s change the colour of the dress so we like it more, but, yeah it looks okay’ grade. I made plans to dye the dress. We’re still working on it.
All this week, I’ve been overly critical of how I looked and why people were looking at me. And I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking these things. Dani Mathers did women no favours with this. I’m a middle aged woman who never gave a shit what people thought until this crap snuck up on me like a cockroach only the cat can hear. It’s insidious and it makes your skin crawl for the rest of the night even after you’ve flushed the toilet four times to be really sure it’s dead.
The woman whose picture she stole, the woman she violated was maybe a bit skinnier than me. Hard to say. This woman was in a gym, ostensibly working to better her health. I can’t even imagine how she must feel because my entire conversation happened in my own head and in my own space. I made it so much worse than it was. I haven’t even mentioned it to anyone until writing this piece. No one posted my ass on the internet with ‘Shouldn’t wear Victoria’s Secret dresses after size 10’ or some such nonsense.
So, I implore all of you, when you see that person in the store who has on a killer jacket or a super cute hairstyle, tell them. Shout that shit out: ‘I love your hair!’ ‘Where’d you get that jacket?’ Let’s all be stronger for each other and use our powers for good. We deserve good things and good thoughts. We deserve the good shit from each other.
