C=Citizen G= Government
C. Ring...ring...ring...Hello!
G. Mr. Dinky?
C. Yes.
G. Hi, we haven't met, but I'm Biff, your personal Homeland Security attendant.
C. Sputter...sputter..What? What the heck is that?
G. Well, Mr. Dinky, surely you know you're being surveilled....for your own safety of course. I've been assigned to investigate when our neural computer network flags any of your activities.
C. What the hell is this about?
G. Well, Mr. Dinky...and please don't cuss at me...it's now a felony... you remember 2 years ago when you failed to properly compute your taxes because you misinterpreted paragraph 642, subparagraph 2.C.13.5 on page 7657(amended) of the Tax code and owed us $9,426.17?
C. Yes...I remember. How could I forget?
G. Well, you remember, Mr. Dinky, we worked out a payment plan with you of $300 a month for 36 months rather than all the other nasty things we could do.
C. Yes...I remember...is there a problem?
G. No...in fact you've been right on time every month.
C. So, why are you calling me?
G. Well, Mr. Dinky, a few weeks one of our sniffers, er, I mean computers monitoring your Shyster Bank Usury Card, flagged that you had two unusual charges and we wanted to clarify them...for the safety of the nation, you understand.
C. Yes...so?
G. Well, Mr. Dinky, you had a $64.98 charge at a place called Dirty Dicks Crab House and because one of our sniffers..er, computers had a momentary glitch we didn't get all the info. Mr. Dinky, was this a medical expense, or were you visiting a porno joint or what? And, if it was a medical expense are you cured?
C. You dumb schmuck, my wife and I were celebrating our anniversary and Dirty Dicks is a seafood restaurant. They have great crab!
G. Ah, I see...careful about the cursing....well, that explains those thermal images we got of you from the Seaside Inn. Guess it was the missus you were having such a hot time with...know what I mean...ha-ha! OK...it was a restaurant. Wait a minute while I key in a cancellation to that alert we were going to send to your health insurance company and your employer. Can't be too careful about crabs, ya know...could be a pandemic in the making. Now, what about the $212.14 from Wolfies for Sky Blasters and Flaming Fountains of Fire, and Roman Rockets. This better be good, Mr. Dinky, the helicopters are on the pad.
C. Biff, did'ja ever hear of the 4th of July and Fireworks? It's coming up you know.
G. Don't be snide Mr. Dinky...this is just a courteous query. OK...this is being recorded...say you swear these are just fireworks and that the 10lbs of fertilizer you bought yesterday was for your lawn and I'll put you back on our normal sniff status.
C. I swear...and Biff...
G. Yes, Mr. Dinky...
C. Stick it up your waz, Biff...and tell your boss I said he could do it too!
G. I warned you Mr. Dinky. I'm sending the IRS a notice we suspect you may flee the country and telling them to call in the debt you owe immediately. How do you like those apples, Mr. Dinky? And, don't bother complaining...this is classified TOP SECRET and we'll also deny it ever happened.
Bye....click.