Key Conservative Tells

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Tuesday August 10, 2010 · 9:38 AM PDT

2010/08/10 · 09:38

I had this acquaintence once who had the perfect retort for any premise in any aregument. Were you to state a theory, he'd say, `You're generalizin'.' Then if you go to the examples, he'd say, `That's too specific for general use.' He'd learned that dance, if nothing else, in college.

Well, I can work both sides of the street. I say the distilled essence of a complete lack of heart, courage, and mind is represented by the single term `conservative.'

Timus

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Wednesday June 09, 2010 · 3:20 PM PDT

2010/06/09 · 15:20

About a dozen guys are striding along a desolate street in Bagdhad. The view is from a hovering Apache chopper. An AK-47 is identified as carried by one of the men, and later the radio voice cites "guys with AK-47s." Permission to "engage" is asked and received, and all of the men are "lit up." Only one survives, and is crawling to the curb. The radio voices are seeking some justification - "Does he have a weapon"- to "engage" further. Other weaponry spotted: an RPG. (This was apparently a camera carried by one of the Reuters reporters killed in the ambush.)

A van stops at the ambush scene, and the driver and two others dismount. (We read later that this is a father taking his two children to school.) He sees somebody down in the street, and stops to render aid. They are in the act of carrying a badly wounded individual from the site of the massacre.

They are promptly atomized by fire from the lurking Apache. The children are seriously wounded.

A tape of this episode is on YouTube.

Timus

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Wednesday May 26, 2010 · 2:13 PM PDT

2010/05/26 · 14:13

Once in our community featuring an actual liberal arts school with social conscience up on a real hill, the social studies majors trooped down to our town, as was their wont, with clipboards, and asked the street lurkers a question, which was perceived differently than the words might suggest they would be.

"Are you a Vietnam vet?"

A straightforward interview, and the results were startling. Some 46% of the homeless, came the report, were Vietnam vets! How has government failed so many so egregiously?

The subjects of this typical topflight survey heard this: "Would you like to be considered a member of a respected demographic, with possible remuneration and absolutely no verification?"

Timus

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Monday April 26, 2010 · 9:46 AM PDT

2010/04/26 · 09:46

I was instructed on two or three occasions some years back by a professor of what I call the Homeopathetic Heidegger branch of political philosophy. You know them as militia, teabaggers, or just morons, but I wanted to explore whether a theory or at least its premises might be condensed, if not precipitated, down into its essence, or some essence, or none, much like the old Readers Digest used to do.

("I AM JOE'S SPLEEN!")

Timus

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Wednesday April 21, 2010 · 4:23 PM PDT

2010/04/21 · 16:23

This is probably my favorite scene of all time. It features three dead men, barstool cowboys set on killing mustangs in order to avoid working for a living, and the one solitary pacifist who dissents from the slaughter of the most noble critters in the picture (uncredited). It marked the first time in my movie-going experience that the passive and sensitive (woman) stopped the dread carousing mindless violent (male). Give Peace a Chance is the very best manner of living but it can make for dull movies.

Timus

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Sunday April 18, 2010 · 10:57 AM PDT

2010/04/18 · 10:57

I am interested in how every nefarious opportunity might offer a thin layer of noble motive. Back home, the icon of heroic self-destruction was encased in the single word, Alamo. Republic, said Big John, the sagacious simpleton,

`Ah lak the sound of the word; it means people can walk free, talk free, come or go, be drunk or sober, however they choose.'

Timus

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Saturday November 28, 2009 · 10:32 AM PST

2009/11/28 · 10:32

This diary, and all future issues, are moved to a more hospitable climate. All the many critics are hereby left to their own devices.

Poll

19 votes Show Results

We must consider those less fortunate mentally because

19 votes Vote Now!

We must consider those less fortunate mentally because

they can be dangerous

6 votes

they can be easily gulled

4 votes

they are the majority

4 votes

they are such poor, simple creatures

1 vote

they is us

4 votes

The Weight of Shadows

Timus

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Monday November 16, 2009 · 3:23 PM PST

2009/11/16 · 15:23

It's lost in the recesses of my memory, but some time back, in fiction or fact, a legal or police complaint was leveled based upon witchcraft. Someone had put the hex on the victim, who quite naturally wanted legal satisfaction. I only remember it because of the sanction of the authority - they didn't just slap down the nonsense, because after all it was someone's holy belief system.

Were you to balance out werewolves and vampires and hoodoo and even throw in all the newage fruitloop Divine Light Healing astral travel past life rendition insanity on one side of a scale, and then position all the pious posturing of the Pope and the pentecostals and the gigantic megachurch televangelists on the other, the balance would be precisely equal. The needle for all of the evidence for the supernatural when weighed sensibly and according to its merits in earnest real time on material earth would be at absolute zero.

And we would be much better off as humans were those in authority to simply declare that obvious fact.

Timus

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Monday November 02, 2009 · 2:10 PM PST

2009/11/02 · 14:10

I'n in bed with my first wife. It's not very exciting, which is why she has a number.

We are reading. See, I have little formal education, so I try and keep up with Esquire (it's the sixties) and a dictionary. Out of this practice my vocabulary, such as it is, evolves.

The limits of my language means the limits of my world.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein

My beta is reading a mystery. She asks out of nowhere: "What's `invidious' mean?"

And I very cavalierly reply, "Likely to cause resentment, due most often to false comparison."

She says nothing. Were she impressed, we were alrady to the stage where she wouldn't show it.

A new word is like a fresh seed sown on the ground of the discussion.
- Wittgenstein

It is the most remarkable coincidence of my life. See, I had myself not moments before come across that very term, and had looked it up. Had she asked in a week, I maybe would have fumbled the test.

Comparisons are odious.
- Sir John Fortescue (c. 1394–1476)

Timus

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Saturday October 24, 2009 · 10:28 AM PDT

2009/10/24 · 10:28

When that Jinglebob herd come up the trail one day in the late seventies, instead of slowing for the approach to Wichita, the herders fired 'em up with rebel yells and gunfire, and they all commenced a stampede which overran the Katy station and some of the holding pens besides. Ol' J T Jinglebob lamented, and said to the station master, "I try and talk to them cows, but they're so upset about the high freight rates to the east, there's nothing to be done with 'em."

And then Bill Hickock strode down Allen Street, said to J T, "Cattle are sure unpredictable, right as rain. But any one of them standing on railroad property come sundown belongs to me, and the station house and pens of Katy will be good as new before a single head of yours be shipped. You savvy?"

J T, he savvied. Then he consulted with his trail bosses. Boys, he said. We need a more credible brand o' cow.

Timus

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Wednesday October 21, 2009 · 9:27 AM PDT

2009/10/21 · 09:27

The very helpful diary breaking down the President's ratings by geographical subdivision is not surprising, but it's necessary. It reminds us once more what a great disservice to the surviving nation was done us by ol' Abe Lincoln.

Had we allowed this diseased sector to simply vanish, there would have been no Birmingham Sunday nor Nashville Saturday Night, no George Wallace nor Governor Faubus nor Mississippi Burning nor Dohbya nor Pox Noise nor any other demerit of the diseased doofus domain, the sweet sunny south, on the national radar. Can you imagine? South Carolina and Texas would be foreign news, no more relevant than Nicaragua.

The question of dissolving the union came up once more just after the war which reached the wrong conclusion.

(STATE OF TEXAS v. WHITE, 74 U.S. 700 (1868))

Poll

46 votes Show Results

I believe without the south, the following item would NOT become true:

46 votes Vote Now!

I believe without the south, the following item would NOT become true:

the union would be much stronger

8 votes

many of our national troubles would be southern comfort

1 vote

the level of public discourse would soar like the eagle

6 votes

international respect would go up twenty points or more

1 vote

Rupert Murdoch would spend all his time in Sydney

3 votes

O'Really would set off a weather balloon and claim Crybaby Glen was aboard

6 votes

America would be about the same as it is now

21 votes

Mushroom Sally

Timus

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Saturday October 03, 2009 · 10:59 AM PDT

2009/10/03 · 10:59

"The problem here is that there will always be some uncertainty about how quickly he can acquire nuclear weapons. But we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." - Condo Leaser Rice (hereafter Mushroom Sally); 8 Sep 2002

Mushroom Sally now baby oh Lord!
Guess you better slow that Mushroom down
Huh! oh Lord! Look here
You been runnin all over town
Oow!
I got to put your flat feet on the ground
Huh! what I said now hey-a
Let me say it one more time yall - Wilson Picket (with slight editing)

She's still talking. Mushroom Sally, AKA Condo Leaser* Rice, tells us we better not leave Afghanistan unless we want terrorist attacks on our soil. She should know something about both, because she was a prime enabler of each.

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Key Conservative Tells

"Hotel Two-Six. Crazy Horse One-Eight."

On Vets and Vetting

Homegrown Heidegger

Tell Me How Long the Train's Been Gone

Old Mitch, the Bankers' Bitch

Curse of the Unread!

The Weight of Shadows

Invidiocy

The Search for More Credible Cattle

Dem Cotton Field Polls Back Home

Mushroom Sally