We have heard a lot about love, of all types. Love of self; love of country, love of, and for, a beloved; the mutual love exchanged with a pet. What does that really mean for me? I'll spare my audience the gory and depressing details of how I arrived at this place and time. Long story short, it was rather – unique.
It seems so morbid, so scary, so out-rightly out of character that a vibrant, wise, intelligent man should suddenly make preparations for his demise. Yet all living things on this planet will die, transition, discorporate, or change their forms, frequencies,vibrations, – whatever you call it. So why should it be considered off-limits to discuss this?
An Unemotional World, arm's length friends and associations. Searching for what I didn't know, from a place I couldn't find, seeking the feeling that I wasn't sure existed. This wasn't a part of my original game plan. But, what was the Game?! It finally dawned on me that I was different, I didn't fit in – it didn't compute to me. My becoming “normal” became a pipe dream, smoke in a hurricane, an unattainable nightmare. Is it because I had so much of our energy invested in the trivia of this world (or dimension) that I couldn't bear the thought of not enjoying the fruits of my labors (such as they are!)? Or is it because I felt that I had not left a mark big enough in this life, that I feared not being remembered for all time? Thinking in this manner was grasping at straws, because I sought to perpetuate myself, vicariously, into eternity (or what I mistakenly believed eternity to be).
Unconditional Love; hmm. Time and again, it tapped me on the shoulder, but I didn't know how to listen. The social definition of success consumed me, so It went begging and unappreciated – until....
The time was right. The situation was right; and the Memory I had long-ago buried came back with the vengeance of the Hound of Heaven. And I cried, and wept, I threw HUGE tantrums – “How could I have been SO STUPID, to IGNORE this? To DENY it? It was part of me! The therapy, my mirror-work, all were the examination of my inner space, of the once-unfamiliar, tearful memories of my taste of what I had sought. And now to my shock, I recognized my Guide, my patient guardian – it was me — forever me. And I cried. Uncontrollably.
There is a saying in Zen Buddhism –
“When you seek it, you will not find it. Be Silent; Stop Searching – it will find you.”
REALLY?!
As Jack London inspired me to write,” ...and when you collapse, exhausted and in despair, hopelessly spent, your Inspiration — slowly, like a sip of clear water – touches you, caresses your shoulder, lifts your spirit, and whispers to you – it was there all along....”
Going back to school, LEARNING something to share. I was happier. The happiness was seeded – it grew. And as the Zen Saying goes, “Nature proceeds slowly, yet everything is accomplished”. I was SO ahead of my time, and SO unaware of it! So, I “don't make life work. I have to LET life work”. “Seek not what you need, the Universe will provide, as you require, when you require it.”
As Ellen DeGeneres says, “Be Kind to One Another!” Hey, I went through that in the Army – in my own Way! There are over one hundred former G.I.'s, living and dead today, that once owed their lives to me. Do I brag about it? No; I did what needed to be done, and emotion was not part of it at all; it was a job. So, now I look back; and I wear my thought on an old blue T-shirt. Because I remember -“If you Are Not the Least Among Us, Someone Needs Your Help”.
Instead of trying to force my growth like an Oak tree in a Tar Pit, I am learning to be like a cork on the lake. Learning flexibility, appreciating of all beauty and talent. I came to realize that every failure I ever experienced, was actually the Universe pointing a new direction for me to follow. With the compulsion to serve, to assist, to share what little I know, and learn with, and from, others. I have learned to shut up, to listen, and to observe and analyze in a way that few people know. I believe in “death” as a beginning, not as an end; that our time here is not a hit-and-run chance occurrence, but a conscious decision made. But for what reason?
We left the security of Unconditional Love, Joy, Happiness and Satisfaction, to experience the greatest challenge of the human experience – life on a material plane. Does this answer our questions – if not, what are the questions? I have learned that anger has no place in my life, and I am learning to pick my battles, to walk away from the willfully stupid situations, whence there would be no winner, where peace must sometimes override being right.
So what really DID happen, in the dark days of my ego-driven worlds; back in the days of war, inner conflict, and esteem-shattering attempts at “Life”? I looked back at Viet Nam. For about 10 minutes -- in clock time, I was told -- I lived “2 weeks” of my Unconditional Love. The White-Hot, Wild, Unbound Exhilaration, tear-jerking Bliss, the ecstatic throngs of uncountable, adoring spirits, laughing insanely at my bad jokes, crying their loudest tears of Joy; lavishing warm, loving, undying Wisdom and Knowledge, pushing me to immerse myself. Where Now is Always. Where I learn to become this new life beyond – for all eternity….
Nowadays, the closest thing I get to that feeling is the trust, attention, and Love that I often get from – animals. They don't judge, they feel no anger. Their loyalties and single-minded love for their world and each other is what we could watch, and admire. Maybe even LEARN. The Lesson is hard. So far, in my experience, there are three lingering questions to be asked:
Why are we here?
What is our mission?
Whence go we upon exit via the grave, and discorporation?
WOW!It seems like the Big Three Eternal Questions always pop up when we actually stop and think about our personal lot. And it's not for lack of trying, but we forgot the answers, haven't found the answers, or the hints of the answers to these riddles.
But what do we SUPPOSE are the answers to these questions? The answers may well be hidden in plain sight, if we awaken. It would appear that whomever asks the question, will arrive at a response which is personally tailored to that particular person's perception. In effect, there are no final, one-size-fits-all answers to this, or any, situation. There are many out here who claim superior knowledge, insight, enlightenment, etc. Many of us have passed them off as fringe, because we have our own ideas, our own lives to lead, and have no time to think about these “advisers' screaming for attention!”.
In other words, they have no time to die. I was one of them; I was frantic; desperate! Time was slipping into my future, and nothing to show the world for my efforts! I since have learned what Eckart Tolle once said; “It doesn't matter!”
I have resigned myself to the fact that my experiences will not be repeated here, in this life, in this dimension. There are latent talents that still lie dormant, that need my attention. And It's O.K. It will happen....
As the Poet Mira once wrote,
“I met an Angel, who talked like a sailor.
I know not from what part of heaven she came;
Yet her words and voice was a sailor's,
And her raiment exceedingly scant.
I cannot even describe the shapeliness of her breasts; but
I now know one thing,
I have forever lost my fear of Dying!”
I am preparing to die. I am taking all my earthly tools (for that's what possessions are!), and using them as I would use a facial tissue – never to assign value, but to be ready to live without. Imagine. What is our life without our car, our electronic crutches, our seasonal clothing, housing, our assets? CAN you imagine this? Are you prepared for this, because if you are not preparing, you may be in for some rude surprises.
Please understand that it's widely recognized that we use our tools as we need to, or choose to, for the comfort and benefit of our personal lives. This is perceived as beneficial to us – but what about those who lack these tools, however basic they may be? What of them? What are THEIR tools?
We all were born into this world equally, bringing nothing with us; we will die, we take nothing with us. It is a fact of life (or, of death!). And we will die alone, no matter how many people in our respective worlds are at our bedsides. They cannot come with us. They cannot replace us. They will weep, they will mourn, – but what good will that do you? You are gone; you are finally out of the world that you created, and that world is now devouring itself AND its Creator. And those around you will be left, holding your bag!
We will be assaulted by the very condition that we left when we first entered this dimension – the Unconditional Love that allowed us to learn about ourselves in our own way. To make our own mistakes, and forget whence we came. Yet it is only for a brief moment in eternity; it now comes back at us – like a freight train – to catapult us back into the Love that we always were, from the dawn of creation. We are told that in order to live joyfully, we need to live simply.
This is why, when ZEN Masters are asked about a poor person, the response is that they require nothing. Maybe in one world, but not in another.
How many believe there is a life after?
Or is it just wishing and hoping?
This is my blessing. I am preparing to leave my debts, my obligations, my trials and vicissitudes, and all my world, to someone who will think of the obligation as being foisted upon him or her, as a red-royal pain in the Ass. By then, I really won't care.
But now I collect my sayings; I write down my thoughts; little bits and pieces of Wisdom; of images; adding to what makes up the checker-board puzzle, the crazy-quilt that has been my life. So far, it's been pretty good. And yet I look back, and I wonder....
I wasn't ready then – I am now. Every day.
And so, with Friendship, Compassion, Humility and with Love,
I serve Coffee.
As It Is Written, So Let It Be Done.
(by the author)