State governments were caught off-guard yesterday as the Senate voted to make English the official language of the United States. The sudden emergence of a single lingual standard is forcing many state Legislatures to abandon official state mottos -- inspiring phrases adopted decades ago which hardly anyone can remember and certainly no one can pronounce.
Alabama, for instance, is considering changing its Latin motto -- Audemus jura nostra defendere -- which means "Did you get that at Wal-Mart?" to the much simpler "Roll Tide!"
Hawaii wants to change its native-tongue motto -- Ua mau ke ea o ka aina i ka pono -- which means "Book em Dano, murder one" with "Is that a volcano in your pants or are you just glad to see me?" The official state song -- "Hawai'i pono'i" -- which used to be Hawaii's national anthem, is now the much catchier "Theme from Gilligan's Island."
South Carolina was all set to change its official Latin motto -- Dum spiro spero -- but the motion to change it was tabled after no one could remember what it meant. Ida Mae over at the state archives had written the translation down on the back of a receipt and thought she filed it under "M" but thinks now she may have thrown it out.
Montana's official motto -- Oro y plata -- is in Spanish, which very loosely translated means "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on." After a lengthy debate, legislators decided they like that just fine.
Maryland's state motto is in Italian -- Fatti maschii, parole femine. After conducting some research into its origins, legislators were shocked to discover it meant "Can I have your sister?" Turns out years ago some prankster legislator slipped it into a budget bill one night to replace the old motto -- "We've got crabs."
Kentucky, having just changed its English motto -- United We Stand, Divided We Fall -- in 2002 to the Latin "Deo gratiam habeamus," which means "Let Us Be Grateful to God," is changing again. This time it's "Put $50 on Barbaro to Win."
Washington's motto is in Chinook -- Al-ki -- which means "By and By," which sounded too much like the name of a chain of convenience stores, so they changed it to something the House Speaker remembered from "The Outlaw Josey Wales" -- Endeavor to Persevere.
Minnesota's motto is in French -- L'étoile du Nord -- and is a holdover from territorial days. Coincidentally, back then there was a whorehouse in St. Paul by that same name. The new motto will be "When the ice caps melt, we'll be beachfront property."
California's motto is from the Greek -- Eureka -- which is what Congressman Duke Cunningham said every Friday when the plain brown envelope arrived at his office. The new motto -- "You mean Paul McCartney didn't have a pre-nup?"
Once these changes take effect things will be a lot less confusing for everyone. And states that had been wasting money teaching kids Latin can divert that money to more useful purposes -- like teaching Bible stories like that one about that tower in Babel.