After the post-caucus debacle, the Dean speech after the returns are in -- no matter what the outcome -- will have a huge audience. What is he going to say this time? I have a few suggestions for the Dean speechwriters (wait, does he even have speechwriters? And if so, are they still employed after Iowa?):
1. If Dean wins
<insert joke about screaming here>
First, I want to thank John Kerry, John Edwards, and the rest of the candidates. This has been an excellent campaign so far, and I look forward to continuing the discussion of issues important to us in the next few weeks.
Second, I was sorry to hear Joe Lieberman dropped out tonight. Joe is a good man who ran a great campaign, and I hope he will continue to serve us well in the Senate.
Third, to my loyal supporters in Iowa, New Hampshire, and across the country. Thank you. I could not have done this without you. Together we have endured a lot of highs like tonight and a few lows like the last week, but throughout it all you stuck by me. Judy and I thank you. And now, let's go out and take our country back. God bless you all, and God Belss America.
2. If Dean comes in second by a small margin
See #1 but replace the word "thank" in the first paragraph with the word "congratulate".
3. If Dean comes in second and loses by +10%
See #2
4. If Dean comes in third or worse
Drop a few f-bombs, get really pissed off at New Hampshire voters and your wife, and then howl like a banshee at a volume twice as loud as Iowa.
Cause Dr. Dean, if you come in third, we're done, and we might as well go out in style.