Welcome to a new course at Daily Kos, Corruption 101. First up: how
regulatory capture can help you corrupt a system in 10 easy steps.
Step 1: The Outcry
Wait until there is such a huge public outcry that the politicians,
whom you have paid off through campaign donations, can longer pretend
not to notice. Make sure to poison the well by claiming that
regulations breed uncertainty and risk. Its a lie, but no one
important will question you.
Step 2: The watered-down bill of the watered-down bill of what little
is left on the table
Pass laws written by your lobbyists, but make certain that both
parties pretend to have a partisan battle over policy issues. This
will ensure people feel like the issue is being addressed. Make
certain that minor issues seem controversial and define the narrow
band of choice that you find accept as the only "issues on that can be
on the table." When the bill is finally passed, you can use this
"process" to ensure that it is more watered down than the watered down
version that began the process.
Step 3: No money, no enforcement
If possible (which it likely is), make funding for the watered down
law difficult or impossible to obtain in terms of enforcement.
Remember a starving agency is one that can't come back to attack your
bottom line of corrupting the system in your favor.
Step 4: No enforcement is good enforcement
If possible (which it likely is), make sure enforcement is either
difficult to carry out or, if thats not possible, make sure the rules
are enforced by an industry friendly agency. Best scenario- do both.
Hey, have you cake and eat it too!
Step 5: It depends on what the word "regulate" means?
When drafting regulations based on the laws (which can be no broader
than the laws drafted: A Constitutional rule), be sure to convince the
regulatory agency to interpret the law as narrowly as possible in
terms of the regulations based on that law. Be sure to hire from the
regulatory agencies. Be sure to convince Presidents to hire from your
company for spots in the regulatory agency that will be "regulating"
you. You may have to fork over a few hundred g. But what's a little
money between "friends" when you are corrupting a system?
Step 6: Courts are the friends of big business
Whatever is left (which hopefully isn't much), challenge that in
court. Be sure to use one of many Democratic and Republican appointed
nominees (likely the entire Federal bench after 30 years) to go with
the narrowest interpretation possible of the narrow interpretation of
the watered down law that was passed. If you are worried about the
courts, don't be! They will use fancy terms like "plain meaning of the
statute" and "standing" and blah, blah, blah. Let's us translate,
"Really, its all good. we just kidding, we got your back!" This
means, "we know who butters the bread in America." They may say
things like "the people"and "democracy" and "original intent," but
let's translate, "Yeah, right. Wink. Wink. Nod. Nod. Hello, legalized
and normalized corruption, baby!"
Step 7: Standing away from the riff-raff
Now, this is also crucial. You may be tempted to focus on the merits
of the case. Don't be fooled! Here's is where you can truly keep the
riff-raff, sorry "the people," under control- Standing! Make sure the
court limits that as much as possible. Make sure the only people able
to sue are the regulators who you spent all that money and graft
buying off before hand. We hope your appreciate the elegance of our
little system of corruption. Waste not, want not is our motto at
Corruption 101.
Step 8: Drown them in paperwork and litigation cost
If there is still anything left, this is where you will be asked to
sacrifice. Please take a moment of silence to come to terms with this:
You will have to hire a team of lawyers to litigate any cases that
arise. Be sure to exclude any cases that do not have standing. Be sure
to settle out of court for pennies on the dollar (see Mortgage Fraud
Settlement for work in progress).
If they are still coming after you, this is where you bring out the
big guns of the discovery process burying them under a ton of
documents and your deep pockets . By the time they dig out, it will be
5 to 10 years later. You may have already cashed in your Golden
parachute or paid off some Congress to change the law back to your
favor.
You may even have more money than the regulatory body that is tasked
with coming after you. The point is- its in your interest to sweat
them. See now how the buying of that Senator was totally worth it?
Step 9: Pay it forward.
Don't forget this one. Its a really important one and a way to give
back to the community. Pay it forward:
Complain constantly about the regulation as extremely burdensome and
harmfully even while you are making record profits. Don't worry. No
one will notice the record profits. They are all good little Palovian
dogs who will salivate at the mere mention of "Regulations bad. Me
business. Me create jobs." Hell, Razzle-Dazzle them, they won' notice
the jobs aren't in the U.S.
Remember, no amount of hyperbole is too much. "Please save me from the
evil regulations. Woe. Great woe! Life for me as corporation ain't no
crystal stairs" If you don't know how to complain properly please
review video from lobbyists, Democrats and Republicans for suggested
approach. If someone says you are an extremist go with calling
yourself a "centrist" or "pragmatist." People like those words. They
sound like center. Calming. Civil. You can take someone to the
cleaners as long as they feel good about the decision.
Step 10: Recycle and repeat the prior steps
When the next crisis inevitably happens, say "See the regulations that
you wrote aren't working," or ",Regulations are the problem." You may
be thinking at this point, but people aren't so easily fooled
Corruption 101. To that, we say, "See the financial crisis of 2008."
Besides, if that fails, you can always repeat the above steps, but remember to do so in a way that's not too obvious.
In the short term, any bill can look great. It is, however, the long term impact that counts. This is how the Left gets killed.