Masks.We all wear them; masks to hide behind, mask to disguise, masks that turn us into super heroes or clowns. We wear masks that face outward, custom-designed to camouflage our inner selves. We wear masks that face inward as a barricade. Grief and loss stimulate us to create elaborate masks....ones that can last a lifetime.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Grief and loss is not limited to death. We can suffer greatly when we lose a job, lose a home, lose a spouse through divorce, lose good health, lose friends and family through drug and alcohol abuse, lose a life to dementia or Alzheimer, lose youth and vitality, or lose self through depression. But how often do we put on a mask that says, Look, I'm fine. Everything is OK. Don't worry; when the truth is just the opposite? How often have we put up an inner mask, too afraid to look at our deepest fears, keeping the mask firmly in place even when we crumble within?
Masks are not necessarily bad things. They keep the nosie out of our business, they give us autonomy, they can project an image of stability and calm in a crisis, they can make us seem stronger than we are. We have masks for all occasions, the dutiful child, the innocent, the parent, the cheerful worker, the pious, and the indignant. It is important that we recognize the masks we wear and why we have them. We don't want our masks to become us, where we lose our spirit, soul, and self to a masquerade.
It is easy to see the masks we wear outward. All we have to do is look in the mirror or at others reaction to our mask. The masks that are hard to see are the ones that reflect our inner self back deep within. To get an inkling of your inner mask, try this exercise.
Take a paper plate or a stiff piece of paper, (if you have a white mask it will work great), put a couple of eye-holes in it and then get a bit creative. Try and envision your inner self, your true feelings and emotions, your hurts and joys, your grief and despair, and your loss. Use crayons, markers, pencils, paints, feathers, flowers, dirt; anything use them to decorate your mask. There are no rules so take your time. Once you're finished look at your mask and sit with it. When you are ready, put the mask up to your face and look at the mirror. See what you are inside. If you are comfortable, invite others to see your mask and talk to them about it.
When I had my children and friends do masks while grieving, here are some of their masks and comments:
My young daughter used a screwdriver to punch many, many holes in her mask. On the bottom of every small hole was a teardrop. She explained that she had so many tears that it felt like every bit of her was flowing away, and that she had nothing left inside. But after a while, she took tape and started to cover the holes. When I asked her what she was doing she said that love was the tape and was making things better.
A man's mask was truly scary. One side was jagged lines of yellows, reds and blacks, the other side was completely blank except for a small question mark on the check. He explained that sometimes he feels full of rage and anger and other times he feels completely lost and vacant.
A teen boy kept looking at his mask and then got up and took it outside where he stomped on it, smashed it into the dirt, and then repeatedly hit it against a tree; raging. The next day, he gave me the mask saying that all the hate, despair, and anguish was in the mask and could I keep it safe for him as he no longer needed it.
A little girl painted windows all over her mask. They were tightly closed, except for one. She said that is the window where she talks with her dead daddy or where he can climb through when he comes to visit.
Masks are powerful things. Think of all the super-heroes and how a mask or disguise gives them strength to do things they could never do without anonymity. But the saddest thing about masks, is that we often so desperately what someone..anyone...to see the real person behind the mask. So, tonight, take a minute here to listen to your fellow cyber travelers and "see" them, really see each other...¦even those here that don't say a word.
This time of year is particularly difficult for many of us. I send you peace and love so that your holes will be taped over and the emptiness in your hearts filled with hope.