If you are one of the dozen people who read my previous installments you would have noticed a few movie-related jokes.
6/11/16 How about some Trump jokes, everybody
6/19/16 How about some Trump jokes: Part 2
7/3/16 How about some Trump jokes - Part 3
It turns out popular movies are a rich source of inspiration for Donald Trump humor. Here are some examples:
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Trump likes “On the Waterfront.” His favorite character is Johnny Friendly, the corrupt union boss who runs the docks like a dictator.
“I like the scene where Lee J Cobb and his security guys beat the crap out of that loser Marlon Brando. But I was disappointed when they let him walk out on his own. If I were doing it he would have been carried out on a stretcher.”
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Surprisingly Trump is a fan of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” He watches it every Christmas just like regular people. The only thing is he thinks the hero is Mr. Potter.
“Did you see the way he nearly ruined that loser George Bailey. And he used Bailey’s own money to do it, too. Now that’s genius. It’s the only time I’ve ever been jealous of another rich guy.”
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Trump watched “The Wolf of Wall Street” but he wasn’t happy with it.
“It was fun watching all the scenes of the partying and the excess life style. Takes me back to my younger days. But I noticed in one place he was using a fake EW-4045 form to defraud the US government. No way, that’s just wrong. He should have been using a fake EW-5150 form. A glaring error like that ruined the whole movie for me.”
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Christopher Guest is going to do one of his mockumentaries about Donald. He’s the Spinal Tap guy, remember? He did "Best In Show" and "A Mighty Wind." His Trump movie is going to be called "A Breaking Wind."
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Trump happened to catch The Hunger Games and liked it very much.
“A bunch of kids are forced to hunt each other down and kill each other in order to survive. Finally, something that explains business and the free market to young people. These movies can do a great service for the next generation. They can teach them not to be losers. When I become president I’m going to make them required viewing for all grade-schoolers.”
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Trump has become a big fan of disaster movies. All those images of skyscrapers being destroyed touch something inside of him.
“When I watch those scenes of buildings collapsing I think of my casinos in Atlantic City and I bust out in a big smile. I made millions out of those bankruptcies. How much money do you figure the owners in those movies got? Not a dime I’m betting. What a bunch of losers.”
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“All About the Benjamins” got Donald’s attention but mostly for the title.
“What kind of loser wastes their time on hundred dollar bills? Chump change. When I become president I’m going to put the ten thousand dollar bill back into circulation. I’ll have my own beautiful face on the front of every one that goes out. I’ve already hired some guys to write up my screenplay, ‘All About the Donalds.’”
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Trump watched the Star Wars movies when they came out. Of course his favorite character is Darth Vader.
“Now there’s a man’s man. When he sees a revolution he destroys it. When he finds religious rebels he kills them. The opposite of a loser. Hillary would tell you to listen to the Jedi and try to understand them, don’t condemn them all just because one of them stole your Death Star plans. Darth didn't fall for anything like that and neither will I. As president I promise to bring the spirit of Darth Vader into our public way of life.”
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On the other hand he hates the Star Trek franchise.
“It’s disgusting the way they glorify that illegal alien, Dr. Spock. That loser keeps going on about logic and intellect. Liberals like that kind of stuff. Every good Republican knows you don’t lead by intelligence, you do it by instinct. That’s how I did it in Atlantic City and I’ll do it the same way when I get to Washington. I promise there’ll be none of that logic in a Trump presidency.”
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He made a special point to see Batman vs. Superman. There are two reasons he liked it.
“A billionaire who goes around at night beating up his enemies. What a great idea! I especially liked the part where he beat the tar of that illegal immigrant Superman. But then the liberal Hollywood writers made Batman let him go at the end. Those losers always do things like that. I was getting ready to walk out but then they brought out Wonder Woman. Forget about your tens. We’re into eleven, twelve and thirteen territory here! I can’t wait for her movie to come out. I guarantee I’ll be watching an advance preview in the White House screening room.”
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Donald Trump has a favorite movie. You get one guess which one it is. That’s right, “Wall Street.”
“Beautiful movie. Great American epic. Greatest movie of all time. Gordon Gekko is a real American hero. Definitely not a loser. After I’m elected I’ll sign an executive order making it the official national movie. Michael Douglas is gonna be the next poet laureate.”
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Donald watched Spielberg’s “Lincoln” and immediately bragged to all his friends how much he was like the 16th president. Let’s see:
Lincoln was an intelligent and scholarly person who rose from poverty to become a good politician and an excellent writer and speech-maker. He liked to cooperate with people and win them over with his humor, humility and charm. He worked tirelessly to keep our country together with all the forces of hell raging against him and brought freedom to millions of Americans who never had it before.
Trump is just like that. Except for the intelligent and scholarly part and the rising from poverty part and the good politician and excellent writer and speech-maker part and the cooperating with people part and the humor, humility and charm part and the working tirelessly part and the keeping our country together part and the bringing freedom part.
Other than that Donald is just like Old Abe.
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Of course Trump is an expert on everything there is. So let’s hear his personal reviews of some of the great and not-so-great movies:
The Grapes of Wrath
A family of losers. Their farm goes bust and they pack everything in their truck and drive away. Why didn’t they just have their lawyers declare bankruptcy?
Citizen Kane
Completely unbelievable. Did you see the two wives that guy had? Sixes at best. Tycoon, my ass. Citizen Loser is more like it.
Diamonds are Forever
Every time I see that on a movie list I start laughing. No one is ever going to say that about my diamonds. Those losers are shopping in the wrong stores.
Evel Knievel
I remember some of my dates back then oohing and ahhing over that loser George Hamilton. I really don’t know why. Just look at that fake tan. Looooser.
Cabaret
Musicals are for losers, not for real men like me. But I gotta say I love that song they do: ‘Money makes the vorld go around, the vorld go around, the vorld go around.’ Sometimes I sing it to myself in the shower.
Gandhi
Some Muslim guy lives a life of poverty and struggle, spending years in jail and finally dying so he can get freedom for his country. Don’t get me started. King of all losers. You’ll never catch me doing anything like that.
Commando
Arnold Schwarzenegger kicks ass just like I remember doing back in military school. They could have been taking that story right from my own life. Say, I’d better have a talk with my lawyers. Somebody owes me some royalties.
She’s Gotta Have It
I don’t go to the black theaters so I’ve never seen this one. But I remember reading how Spike Jones had a hard time getting the money for it. He said he maxed out all his credit cards to pay for it. Sorry, Spike, but that’s the sign of a first-class loser. You never use your own money for a project. Why didn’t you just get a loan from your father?
Say Anything
This movie shows what’s wrong with gun-free zones. If that loser John Cusack ever showed up outside of my house blasting music I’d have sent him running with some buckshot in his fanny.
Weekend at Bernie’s
Two guys keep a dead man moving around so they can keep the party going till they’re ready to quit. I totally get it. I’ve done that myself with some businesses I owned.
Schindler’s List
This guy figures out a way to get rich In the middle of the Holocaust. Definitely not a loser. That is up till the end when he starts spending all his money to save people. Damn liberal influence. Why do those bleeding hearts always have to turn winners into losers?
Titanic
What a tragedy. What a great loss. Heartbreaking. I couldn’t stop crying when that diamond sank out of sight into the water.
Ocean’s Eleven
Robbing a casino is the worst crime there is, worse than terrorism. It’s disgusting that any movie would glorify a thing like that. When I become president I promise to make it a federal crime with the death penalty.
Catch Me If You Can
So that loser Leonardo DiCaprio pretended to be an airline pilot. Small stuff. I pretended to be an airline owner. Now I’m pretending I can be President. Beat that, loser.
The Manchurian Candidate
Strange movie. Doesn’t have anything to do with me, Trump. Donald Trump. Donald J Trump. Excuse me there is something I must do.
Avatar
It’s an outrage! I’ve been selling “unobtanium” for more than 40 years. That’s the code name for my whole presidential plan. I’ll sue those losers for stealing my beautiful idea.
Life of Pi
This was the most unbelievable movie I have ever seen. A guy trapped in a boat with someone that wants to kill him. Why didn’t he just call his divorce lawyers?
The King’s Speech
The leader of a country gets a guy to teach him how to talk in public.
I don’t want to hear one smart word from anybody unless you want to be carried out on a stretcher.
12 Years a Slave
Sorry, but this guy was nothing but a loser. All he had to do was sue the slave owners and use the laws of the land to get what he wanted. That’s how I did it in Atlantic City. Nothing could be easier.
Gravity
You see that! You see that! That’s what happens when you put a woman in a man’s job. She destroyed 2 space stations and got everybody but herself killed. That’s why you have to have a man in charge.
Annie
Some people thought it was strange to see Jamie Foxx play super-billionaire Daddy Warbucks. I didn’t. I love the blacks. It’s about time one of them got a quality movie role. Before that they played nothing but losers.
The Interview
Disgusting. Some loser actors assassinate the boss of North Korea. I hear they got into a lot of trouble for that movie. They should have. Didn’t I tell everybody Kim-Jong-un is a great leader?
Selma
I’m a big hero, too, just like Marty King. I could have been marching like that somewhere. Well, except I had a lot of foot trouble back when I was young. It started about the time they were drafting guys to go to Vietnam.
Mad Max: Fury Road
The world gets destroyed by hate and greed. A strong man is sitting in his harem ruling all the losers far below him. A dream come true . . .
I mean terrible! What a terrible thing to happen!
The Revenant
These losers don’t know how to finish a simple job. If I’d been there it would have been a short movie. Just blow the guy’s head off. Cut! Print!
The Big Short
Some finance guys figure out a way to make money while everybody else is losing theirs. Big deal. I invented that a long time ago. How come nobody is making a movie about me?
Last Days In the Desert
Jesus gives up a chance to rule the whole world just so he can save his soul. Biggest loser in all of history.
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Like I said, a rich source of material. How many can you come up with?
I’ll post some new stuff next week.