10 Reasons to Throw Money at Cheers and Jeers
It’s our annual fundraising week here at C&J, and many people—big strong manly men, most of them—come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Sir, how can I help you pay your bills?” And I say “Links. I’ll post big beautiful links just for you. You can click on them very beautifully and they go so quickly to the best online payment center since Lincoln’s.” And there are so many reasons, only the best reasons, to give now. Here’s ten in the order of their appearance on the periodic table:
2. 134% of the proceeds go toward vital food, medicine and sagebrush clearing.
7. You’re investing in a priceless autographed collectible human with an edition size of one. (I really should be housed in that museum where they keep all the Hummels.)
3. I have never taken money from Super PACs, and if they ever offer me any I would certainly turn them down. [Uncrosses fingers]
9. You people started all this. Yes you did, by hiring me in the first place back in 2007. I mean come on, this is your mess, and the only way to clean it up is to throw money at it!!! (A lesson I learned that from the U.S. gub’mint.)
4. Sorry about my tone in #9. My valerian, kava kava, and lemon balm happy-time supplements haven't kicked in yet, so I’m currently running on nothing but Dewar’s and horny goat weed.
10. I'm "small enough to know you, large enough to serve you"
6. Giving me money would be socialism, which would drive the other side bonkers. So it's a unique opportunity to "own the cons." Do it! Do it!
1. Sure, I've been called a "flagrant commie traitor nose picker" by right wing media. But PolitiFact totally exonerated me by deeming the claim only "Partly True."
5. I forget this one. I think it's something something something your own seat on the Supreme Court or $5 off your next oil change.
8. Most important: C&J is a pie fight-free zone.
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Thanks again for supporting America’s longest-running kiddie pool-based blog post. We appreciate the support. And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Note: Ow! I just stabbed myself in the cheek with my pipe. Good thing I added supplemental elitist insurance to my Obamacare plan. Covers torn elbow patches, too!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 5
Days 'til the Vidalia Onion Festival in Georgia: 8
Number of jurors who have been OK’d and sworn in for Trump’s election interference trial: 7
Increase in retail sales last month, nearly double what was forecast: 0.7%
Number of jobs being cut at Tesla due to competition from companies whose CEO isn’t an unstable MAGA lunatic: 14,000
Estimated percent of the drones and missiles fired at Israel by Iran that were shot down: 99%
Years since the Notre Dame cathedral caught fire as of this week: 5
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 marks of the beast and a pair of incompetent Roman crucifiers). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Kitchen helpers…
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CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine, aka Nostradamus with Underwear on His Head. I’m writing this on Tuesday afternoon. The polling places in Michigan for two special elections are still open. Up for grabs are two state House seats that could once again tip the balance of power in the chamber—currently tied—to the Democrats. And because my job here (one of them, anyway) is to perform amazing feats of prediction skill that dazzle and amaze the masses, I will now open the mayonnaise jar that contains the names of the winners I’m jotting down at this moment, meaning yesterday:
CONGRATULATIONS TO…
Democrat Mai Xiong for defeating MAGA candidate Ronald Singer in House District 13.
Democrat Peter Herzberg, for defeating MAGA candidate Josh Powell in House District 25.
Thank you for that polite smattering of applause. For being such a great audience, I'll part with one more fabulous prediction: this morning I'll realize that when sealing predictions in a mayonnaise jar, it's best to first remove the mayonnaise. Dang…how do I do it???
P.S. If by some slim chance the above predictions turn out to be wrong, they were published here by an imposter, the proper authorities have been called, and we intend to press charges.
JEERS to the party of middle school dropouts. As Democrats continue dealing with complex issues like war 'n peace, the economy, healthcare, education, and filling the damn potholes, let's check in and see what the mighty Republican party—standing atop the broad foundational shoulders of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower—is doing to make life in these United States a more perfect union:
GOP Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky told Republican colleagues behind closed doors Tuesday morning that he’s going to cosponsor the motion to vacate Johnson from his position, according to GOP members in the room. A source added that Massie warned the speaker he should resign.
The comments highlight a significant escalation of the far right’s threat to Johnson’s leadership that have dogged the Louisiana Republican since Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia filed a resolution to vacate the chair last month.
Well, if they manage to give ol' Speaker Mike the heave-ho, they'll at least have filled one big nasty pothole: his mouth! Ha Ha Ha! (Trust me, that's gonna be pure gold when I deliver it during my keynote at the annual Asphalt Spreaders' Convention.)
CHEERS to money in the bank. A quick alert that the sky will open and the angels will sing tomorrow. It’s “Tax Freedom Day”—the day on which Americans have earned enough to pay off their tax obligations for the year. The next financial milestone arrives when Americans earn enough to pay off their credit card debts. "Plastic Freedom Day" will arrive on... [flip flip flip flip] ...December 31. 11:59pm, to be precise.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to Beverly Jean Davenport LaHaye. Not because she was a right-wing extremist who gained enormous power by bamboozling her ignorant followers into parting with their hard-earned money to fund her lavish lifestyle. Not because she twisted the words of The Bible to suit his political aims. Not because she preached hate in direct opposition to the way Jesus preached love. Not because she founded Concerned Women of America with the goal of returning women, barefoot and pregnant, to their kitchens to make hubby's supper (after, of course, fetching his pipe and evening newspaper). Not because none of her apocalyptic predictions ever came true. No, I jeer her today because, darn it, I have this dumb rule that says I have to say something nice about the recently departed. So here goes: she was married for 49 years. Ah…the banality of evil.
JEERS to today's edition of Yeah, We Know! NBC News, fresh off its Ronna McDaniel debacle, lands the least-scoopy scoop of the year:
Elon Musk’s X is a thriving hub for Nazi support and propaganda, with paid subscribers sharing speeches by Adolf Hitler or content praising his genocidal regime.
This has been today's edition of Yeah, We Know!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 17, 2014
CHEERS to more for less. Not only has the first enrollment period for the Obamacare exchanges produced more sign-ups than expected, but now the abacus tenders at the Congressional Budget Office say the program will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $104 billion less than projected. Of course, that means nothing to the oh-so-cost-conscious tea party. They're only happy if it's $104 billion saved by a Republican.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Baby Blue Cherub. Everybody stop by and say "Heh indeedy" to Atrios (aka millstone-around-Philadelphia's-neck Duncan Black) today on the 22nd blogiversary of his Eschaton blog. Few dirty f*cking hippies can reduce the traditional media and punditry's wankery to one or two lines of cool-as-a-cucumber snark like this communist peacenik can. He was especially ahead of the curve on the ‘08 economic meltdown and the Iraq debacle, led the charge to expand Social Security (a movement no longer snickered at), and predicted the inevitable doom of driverless cars. Besides that, his is a classic, old-fashioned blog that looks the same as it did during the Dark Times of 2002. By the way, this was the moment on April 17, 2002 when he flicked the switch for the first time:
Is this thing on?
by Atrios at 22:13
0 comments
Yes, it still is. And if it ever shuts down, civilization is doomed.
Oh, and Philadelphia resident Ben Franklin died on this date in 1790. I guess that explains why he never returns my calls. Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Cheers and Jeers makes me want to scream.
—Sara Benincasa
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