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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Today is Confucius's 1,453rd birthday. And boy does he have much to say about current events:
On the GOP leadership: "An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger."
On George W. Bush: "Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon or star."
On John Kerry: "The cautious seldom err."
On John Kerry's flip-flops: "If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself."
On Howard Dean: "The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success only comes later."
On the Bush Dynasty: "Wealth and rank are what people desire, but unless they be obtained in the right way they may not be possessed."
On the gay rights movement: "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
On fighting Swift Boat Veterans for Truth: "Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito."
On Cheers and Jeers: "All the wisdom of humankind starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swooosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]"
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 27, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Republican Convention: 3
Days `til the First Debate: 34
Days 'til General Election: 67
Days `til Christmas: 120
U.S. Olympic medals: 83 (28 gold)
http://www.electoral-vote.com/ : Kerry 270 Bush 259
CHEERS to snarky inksters. Mike Luckovich is leading the war on those leading the war on...oh, just click: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=lk. Fortunately one day---about a thousand years from now---these smear campaigns will stop being effective.
CHEERS to Sistani in the Hizzouse. You did it, old man! The grand Ayatollah brokers peace in Najaf. Prime minister Allawi is so pleased he cut off a few hands with his Happy Fun CleaverTM.
JEERS to eating dog food. On Bush's watch, 1.3 million more Americans slid into poverty in 2003, says Census Bureau. Overheard at Madison Square Garden: "Hey guys, hold up! We gotta rip out another plank!"
JEERS to lunkheads at the keyboard. On Bush's watch, Reuters was allowed to publish this graph. Read the top line and let us wince together: http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/nm/20040826/poverty_census_graphic.gif. We'll try to have a nice day depsite that atrocity.
JEERS to the stagnant middle class. On Bush's watch, the average income for Americans hasn't gone up one penny between 2002 and 2003 (Hispanic income actually fell). But conservatives aren't crying about it...not with this kind of divine support at their fingertips: http://ship-of-fools.com/Gadgets/Witnessing/086.html. If it's `pay after you go,' sign me up!
JEERS to idle hands. On Bush's watch, jobless claims rose last week by 10,000---half reportedly due to Hurricane Charley. Meanwhile, Since June 2000, the number of adults considered "not in the labor force"---those who don't have jobs and are not looking for them---has grown by about 4.4 million, to 66.6 million, says Bureau of Labor Statistics. On the upside, some guy just built a new garage for our Mercedes in exchange for a plate of macaroni and cheese.
JEERS to walking the wire without a net. On Bush's watch, the number of Americans without health insurance in 2003 was 45 million, an increase of 1.4 million, says Census Bureau. Take your vitamins, folks. Take your vitamins.
CHEERS to activist judges. A federal judge in New York strikes down ban on a form of abortion called intact dilation and extraction because it didn't have an exclusion that would allow the procedure if a woman's health was jeopardized. Women win. Bush loses. As it should be.
CHEERS to Molly Ivins. "It's an early Labor Day SURPRISE! Congratulations, if you make between $23,660 and $100,000, you have just very likely lost your right to overtime pay, courtesy of the Bush administration." The rest here: http://www.creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=miv. I'm still waiting for you to offer me that cabana boy position, Ma'am. (At least let me lick your boots.)
JEERS to Log Cabin Republicans. Give it up, guys. The GOP has adopted a platform that tells gays and lesbians to drop dead, and LCR's Christopher Barron whines: "You can't craft a vicious, mean-spirited platform and then try to put lipstick on the pig by putting Rudy Giuliani and Arnold Schwarzenegger on in prime time." It reminds us of when your 'cool' big brother says you can join his treehouse club, but only if you eat his and his friends' boogers---but then you eat their boogers and they still won't let you join their treehouse club. So you fetch the gas can from the garage and use it to burn his treehouse down. Then it's 5 years in juvenile det... Look, the point is: We must stop eating the GOP's boogers.
CHEERS to fossil fuel found. On August 27, 1859, the first successful oil well was drilled near Titusville, PA. So naturally none of the Bush family was involved.
JEERS to flip-flopping. Bush then (March, 2003): "Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours. Their refusal to do so will result in military conflict commenced at a time of our choosing." Bush now (New York Times, August 27, 2004): "I don't think you give timelines to dictators." Compared to him, Kerry's a rock of certitude.
CHEERS to enthusiasm. George Reiger loves Disney characters so much that he has 1,643 of them tattooed on his body, including 103 Dalmatians on his back (http://www.nypost.com/photos/rev08232004092.jpg). C&J would pay to have him tattoo Michael Eisner's face across his butt crack.
CHEERS and JEERS to Lyndon Johnson. Today is the 96th birthday of the embattled 36th President. He did a lot of good for civil rights and social causes. And then there's Vietnam. Go here and do what you need to do: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=550&pt=Lyndon%20Johnson
CHEERS to outstanding PR. The new publicity campaign for Fox News: http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0270846/Ss/0270846/BGEN_23.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0270846. And for once they got O'Reilly's good side.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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