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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
A good friend sent this snarky little number to C&J last week. Now read it and shut up...my friend.
True Friendship
When you are sad, I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ... I pledge it till the end. Why? Because you are my friend.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swooosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 19, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days 'til General Election: 14
George W. Bush approval rating: 44%
(Source: New York Times/CBS poll)
Federal deficit: $413 Billion
Red Sox 5 Yankees 4
Length of game: 5 Hours 49 Minutes
http://www.electoral-vote.com/ Kerry 284 Bush 247
CHEERS to law and order. Health & Human services secretary Tommy Thompson on the flu vaccine shortage: "Okay people, nothing to see here! Please disperse! You have nothing to fear!" http://www.mydd.com/story/2004/10/18/134831/85. He had more to say, but he got mowed over by a mob of marauding grannies with the sniffles.
JEERS to Sunshine State efficiency. Instead of waiting until election day, votes in Florida can now be erased, shredded and tossed up to 15 days early: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20041018/ap_on_el_pr/voting_early_
11. Where's Jimmy Carter when you need him?
JEERS to faceless bureaucrats. Troops are coming home in pieces, and the Pentagon treats them like deadbeats: http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/IraqCoverage/story?id=163109&page=1. That explains the new "I Lost A Kidney in Iraq and All I Got Was This Lousy Collection Notice" bumper stickers popping up.
CHEERS to the Moscow Meddler. Vladimir Putin---the Russian cutthroat whose soul Bush looked into and deemed "good"---endorses Dubya for re-election. John Kerry sent Vlad an FTD Borscht Bouquet with note: "Thanks for the bounce."
CHEERS to Sinclair stock: http://ichart.finance.yahoo.com/w?s=SBGI. Yesterday it dropped so fast it went through my desk and stabbed me in the foot. Memo to Mark Hyman: You'll be hearing from my cobbler.
JEERS to Gaston le Glutton. A French government study shows that the cheese-eating surrender monkeys are stuffing their faces more like Americans these days. Most only spend 20 minutes cooking dinner, and more than half eat in front of the TV. Vive le Stouffers!
JEERS to maxing out. We've hit our debt ceiling of $7.384 trillion. U.S. News & World report says, "In 1981, when the national debt first ticked over $1 trillion, President Reagan declared the sum `incomprehensible' and likened it to a stack of $1000 bills 67 miles high. Today the pile is closing in on 500 miles." So is this how George Bush plans to establish an American presence on Mars?
CHEERS to wars worth fighting. On September 19, 1781, British General Cornwallis formally surrendered to Washington's Continental Army outside of Yorktown. The French---our supposed allies in the conflict---were pissed because we ruined the lucrative whale blubber-for- food program they had goin' on the side.
JEERS to sloppy spooks. Michael Kostiw was a CIA case officer for 10 years, but had to withdraw his name as the agency's executive director. The reason: the superspy got caught trying to shoplift a package of bacon from a Virginia supermarket. And we wonder why we can't find bin Laden.
CHEERS to mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow, flipping burgers... A teenager in Washington State started a 16,000-acre wildfire in August because his SUV didn't have a spark arrester. Now the USDA Forest Service is billing him $10 million. Let's see...at $5.15 per hour, he should be out debt just in time to drop dead.
JEERS to "progress." After 200 years of caring for the famous St. Bernard rescue dogs, the monks who run the hostel at the St. Bernard Pass say they must sell them (helicopters do the work of picking up stranded travelers now). Molly, C&J's chocolate lab, wants us to buy one. She hears they're hung like a horse.
JEERS to bigots in fancy dresses. The old farts of the Anglican church demand---DEMAND!!---an apology from the U.S. Episcopal Church for consecrating a Bishop whom God created in the gay mold: http://www.365gay.com/newscon04/10/101804angReport.htm. And up in the executive suite, Jesus is quietly taking names for future ass-whuppin'.
CHEERS to the changing faces---and legs and butts and boobs---of America. According to GQ, America is just as divided by cosmetic surgery as it is by politics: Breast implants are most popular in the West...buttock and thigh lifts in the Midwest. Ear corrections are "big" in the South...hair transplants and collagen injections in the East. Ms. Perception, meet Mr. Reality.
JEERS to health care for Hosers. In Canada, the average waiting period between the time doctors recommend treatment to the time treatment is actually performed is 4 months...among the longest periods in the world, says Forbes magazine. Moral: never have a heart attack in Canada.
JEERS to cliffdiving. On September 19, 1987---on Reagan's watch---stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. The percentage decline was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Go on...give your 401(k) a hug.
Cheers and Jeers 10-month Flashback: December 19, 2003
JEERS to John Kerry. He just put his house in hock to continue his losing campaign. Meanwhile influential leaders are lining up far and wide to NOT endorse him. But thanks for pumping your dollars into the economy, Mr. Blueblood. [10/19 update: Sorry, sorry, sorry...]
JEERS to Ralph Nader. Wants to run, claiming Dems are not fighting Bush hard enough. Fool...throwing your hat in the ring makes you a Bush ALLY. Nothing funny about this at all. [10/19 update: We're still not laughing.]
And one more...
JEERS to trickle-down buttonomics. Kossack KumarP reminds us of the real health care crisis in this country: "Olestra sometimes causes underwear staining. That phenomenon may be caused most commonly by greasy, hard-to-wipe-off fecal matter, but occasionally also from anal leakage": http://www.dailykos.com/story/2004/10/18/175751/56#7. President Bush is all over the issue: "My call to our fellow Americans is if you're healthy, if you're younger, don't get Fruit of the Looms this year." That's leadership!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering (and leaking) about today?
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