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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Assuming C&J doesn't have a fatal myocardial infarction this week, Friday will mark our one-year anniversary as a barnacle on the hull of the Mighty S.S. Kos. We were hoping to make this anniversary week particularly funny, but then we thought: why break with tradition? So with crusty sleepy crap still embedded in our half-open eyes, we scan the web for an easy opener: favorite oxymorons from oxymoronlist.com:
Butthead ... Numbing sensation ... Dodge Ram ... Aunt Jemima Light ... Civil war ... Mighty weak ... This Page Intentionally Left Blank ... Compassionate conservative ... Terribly nice ... Melted ice ... Dry martini ... Soft rock ... Canadian bacon ... Serious fun ... Icy hot ... People's Republic of China ... Congressional accountability ... Non-stop flight ... Mild PMS ... Barely dressed ... Jumbo shrimp ... Corporate planning ... Department of the Interior ...
And our favorite: Justice Thomas
Cheers and Jeers One-Year Anniversary Week starts in the Extended Copy section... [Swooshydooshy!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gonglydongly!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 6, 2004
By the Numbers:
Days `til Hanukkah: 1
Days `til Christmas: 19
Number of commercials depicting violence or unsafe behavior during pre-9pm sporting events on TV: 1-in-5
(Source: Pediatrics journal)
Number of United Church of Christ commercials promoting love and acceptance as seen on NBC and CBS network sporting events before or after 9pm: 0
New England 42 Cleveland 15
Weeks `America: The Book' has been atop the New York Times best-seller list: 10
Your Puppy Pic of the Day:
"Kill them. I am going to #!%$@! kill them." http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/BDX/BDX108/bxp26091.jpg.
CHEERS to Harry Reid. C&J got its first look at the new Senate minority leader on `Meet the Press.' We like him---he reminds us of Harry Truman. Points off for troubling, snark-free praise of Antonin Scalia and Bill Frist (you kiss your family with that mouth?)...but extra credit for creation of war room to get Democrats' voices heard in the media.
JEERS to losing him. The U.S. and Pakistan admit that Osama's trail has "gone cold." 2 years, 5 months and 16 days after C&J first suggested it, they're finally willing to try our Hail Mary pass: "Olly Olly Oxenfree!!" You got a better idea, Goss?
JEERS to No Shit Sherlock. Outgoing HHS director Tommy Thompson says "I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply." They have, sir. Here's a buck-99...go rent the DVD of `Super Size Me.'
CHEERS to gnashing teeth. Watchdog group Public Citizen plans to issue a new study showing another "clear-cut violation of House rules" by Tom "Dick" Delay: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6652757/site/newsweek/. And this time the penalty could be severe: removal of tassels from his loafers.
CHEERS to do-overs. Ukraine's Supreme Court rules that the election there was rigged, and schedules a new vote for December 26: http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=301085. Will quieter shredders fool anyone this time?
JEERS to rising to your own level of incompetence. Donald Rumsfeld---the cabinet member least deserving of another four years (besides creepy Cheney)---gets another four years. First order of business for the increasingly unpopular Sith: more sandbags around office doorway.
CHEERS to BMS-354825. More testing is needed, but Phase-I results of this new anti-cancer drug shows a whopping 86% success rate in leukemia patients: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=594&e=1&u=/nm/20041205/hl_nm/health_leuk
emia_dc. I love it when mutant cells get punched in the cytoplasm.
JEERS to stomach-turning Kodak moments. More prisoner abuse photos have turned up on the web. Memo from CentCom to North Pole: "Skip the coal. Send more potato peelers."
CHEERS to mighty power unleashed. Kos's new guest bloggers wasted no time getting down to business over the weekend. Keep this up and your honorary PhBs (Doctorate of Blog) are in the bag.
CHEERS to William Safire's replacement. If there's half a brain amongst the editorial board at the New York Times, they'll swap out the curmudgeonly conservative with this relative unknown: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/05/opinion/05martin.html?oref=login. (Y'know, if C&J rooted around the attic long enough, I bet we'd find our 45rpm single of that one-hit wonder.)
JEERS to Color-coded alert system. Cartoonist Chip Bok shows why Tom Ridge's exit could be, um, troubling: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=cb. Try ignoring it---that seems to work best.
JEERS to smashing the dreams of 8 year-old kids. Edison Media Research reveals that women dislike---nay, looooooathe---Cartman's rendition of `Oh Holy Night' most among all the Christmas songs ever produced: http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20041204/LIFE03/412040357/1038/Life. Sorry, ladies...nothing could be worse than Paul McCartney's cheesier-than-Velveeta "Wonderful Christmas Time." Bowbowbowbow...Bewbewbewbew...Blechblechblechblech.
CHEERS to entering the civilized world. On this date in 1865---79 years after we officially became the land of the free---the13th Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery. Did we mention that it was 79 years after we officially became the land of the free?
JEERS to really brief campaign stops. For some candidates in Iraq, the only safe campaign trail will be riding a donkey around the inner walls of the Green Zone. Citizens could watch `em on TV...if only they had electricity. Oh, and if you want a campaign button, stand over there and we'll throw it over the wall. This is shaping up just dandy.
CHEERS to the end of the dark times. 71 years ago, Americans crowded into bars to buy their first legal alcoholic beverages in 13 years, following the repeal of Prohibition. I'll drink to that.
CHEERS to that giant sucking sound. Meet C&J's new Fantom Twister. It's like vacuuming with an Aegis Destroyer: http://www.thevacuumcenter.com/twister500.jpg. Last night we caught our cat writing out her will.
Cheers and Jeers Flashback: July 6, 2004...
JEERS to Bill Frist. GOP bigot says we must...MUST...pass gay marriage amendment now! His air-tight logic: "Every day I put it off, more people get married." Did you ever think you'd see the day when that was a bad thing?
JEERS to mortal coils. God (the only entity who could pull this off) makes Marlon Brando an offer he can't refuse, and we lose the Greatest American Actor at 80. The upside: knowing that there are still several of his films I have yet to discover. [12/6 update: Marlon, if you're listening up there, I want my 91 minutes back for `Free Money']
And just one more...
CHEERS and JEERS to putting yourself between a rock and a hard place: http://www.verparacreer.net/imagen.php?f=1098568800&n=1. No doubt he's a moderate Republican.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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