Dearest Bill,
I know you've been getting a lot of crap lately. Yesterday, you once again failed to get cloture on the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the UN.
link
This was just the latest in a series of gaffes that has people openly questioning your fitness to be majority leader. But these people are dead wrong. On behalf of Democrats everywhere, I'd just like to say, you're doing a great job, and we're behind you 100%. Why do we love you so much?
reasons on the flip side
We love you because of the struggles you've overcome. With a razor-thin, barely-there 10 seat majority in the senate, you've managed to turn the Democratic party from a chaotic band incapable of doing anything together into a cohesive group blocking everything important you want to do. You've turned Harry Reid into Michael Corleone. We here realize how difficult a task that was, and are glad we have a majority leader capable of enacting such stunning transformations.
We love you because of your complete lack of political instincts. When it was obvious to everyone with a brain that one of the keys to the judicial compromise was going to be post game spin, it was thrilling to see you pouting like a 4 year old who just had his toy truck stolen from the sandbox. The side by side comparison of your face with Harry Reid's didn't affect who had actually won the judicial compromise, but it sure as hell affected who the media THOUGHT had won. That was an issue completely up for grabs, and your complete lack of a poker face let the Democrats claim victory. what would we do without you?
We love you because you're one of maybe 5 republicans in the entire Senate who cannot credibly pursue the agenda of the Religious Right. Bill, Bill, Bill. You're a world-class heart surgeon. You went to Harvard Medical School! Do you have any idea how hard it is for people to take you seriously when you start denying science and try to cozy up to fundamentalists? And boy is that a relief. Cause if not for you, someone like Sam Brownback or George Allen would be majority leader. And everyone would take them seriously. And wow would we be fucked.
And lastly, we love you for your absurd flip flop today. link
"we're not going to pursue this...I mean yes we are"? Bill, it's not so much that there's a string coming out of your back that the white house pulls when they want you to utter a stock phrase. THose are pretty much standard issue for Republicans today. It's that you don't even attempt to hide it. You made it completely clear today that you have no control over anything, and what a total shill you are. And that's really just great. Now people will take you even less seriously than they already did. Congratulations billy, you just cemented yourself as a punch line.
But Bill, there's something that's tempering our love just a bit. You're from the fabled class of 1994. And that means you've promised not to run again in 2006. And Bill, I gotta tell you, that's just killing all of us here. We need you, hell, the country needs you, to remain majority leader. If you left, they'd appoint someone competent. And then I'd cry. And buy cookie dough ice cream. And I'm fat enough as it is. And besides, everyone from 1994 made that promise. And they're all ignoring it. Why, oh why, should you be the only one to actually follow through on it? especially when you're so important to the country. So stay where you are bill, we love you. and we need you.