Daily Kos

Abortion: The Choice I Made

by Maryscott OConnor

Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 05:56:49 PM PDT

DISCLAIMER: This is a diary about my own experience with abortion. I would really appreciate it if, after reading it, anyone inclined to shame me or express their "pity" for me ... would kindly fuck off.

It's been a "hot topic" around these parts of late; a national election and a Huge Protest March on Washington will do that.

When I think about the struggle for reproductive freedom in America and the world, I tend to take it personally.

I have had one and a half abortions; the first was complete, initiated by me. The second was a partial miscarriage that the doctors in my home town were legally constrained against finishing because of that town's restrictions against abortion. Technically, you see, it was still viable, The best advice they could give me was to go home and let nature take its course. I was forced to drive 400 miles south to Ann Arbor, Michigan, to the Planned Parenthood clinic where I had the first abortion six years earlier at the age of 19.

At 19, I was a sophomore at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. I was in a horrible relationship with a man who had been a teacher's assistant in one of my classes. (That is a whole other story, which I will not belabour here.) We practiced safe sex not so much because of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases but precisely because we didn't want to procreate. It didn't take and I got pregnant.

I was, to say the least, not thrilled. Nor was he. He was adamantly opposed to my having a baby. As it happened, so was I. Still, I called my mother - mostly for the love and support I mistakenly hoped she would give me. My mother raised me as a pro-choice feminist, but had since rejected those beliefs in favour of her recent decision to join the Faith Reformed Christian Church. She proceeded to beg, cajole, berate and castigate me, her final argument being, "That's my grandchild you're killing." I will never forget those words.

I went to Planned Parenthood in Ann Arbor. First they confirmed what I already knew, with a pregnancy test. Then I received counseling. The woman made very sure that it was my decision, that I hadn't been coerced by my boyfriend or anyone else, that I was aware of the other options. They were not acceptable options to me. I knew I would never be able to have a baby and give it up, and I knew I was in no shape (psychologically, financially, emotionally) to be a mother.

We were broke. The procedure cost $400. The anesthesia was optional, for another $150. We didn't have it, so I was given a couple Valiums. It was the most physically painful experience I have ever had (and that includes an extremely complicated and excruciating pregnancy and birth a decade later). The doctor was male; sadly, he was not terribly sympathetic. He scolded me for screaming. He told me it couldn't possibly be as bad as I was saying it was. At one point I felt a pain so sharp that my right leg kicked out and the stirrup flew across the room and hit the wall behind the doctor. My boyfriend, who was with me during the procedure, broke into sobs watching me go through it. Afterward, it took me several days to recover physically. Emotionally, I was shaky -- but mostly because it had been a painful and distinctly shameful experience. My mother's words, the doctor's impatience and a childhood in Catholic schools conspired against my better instincts and coaxed me into being ashamed; ashamed of being female, ashamed of being sexual, ashamed of failing to adequately protect against pregnancy, ashamed of choosing an abortion and my "selfish" desire not to be a mother.

At 19, I had not yet fully come into the raging alcoholism and drug addiction that was to be most of my twenties, but it was already there. I have often imagined what a horrorshow of a mother I would have made, what a devastating life I would have given a child in those nine years it took me to get sober.

I have never regretted anything about the choice I made, except for the lack of anesthesia.

Poll

Abortion Poll

21%33 votes
10%16 votes
8%13 votes
12%19 votes
2%4 votes
9%15 votes
24%39 votes
11%18 votes

| 157 votes | Vote | Results

Tags: (all tags) :: Previous Tag Versions

Permalink | 54 comments

  •  Abortion Mojo (3.98 / 55)

    This ought to be interesting.

    -9.63, -7.03 Rage, rage against the Lying of the Right

    by Maryscott OConnor on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 05:57:25 PM PDT

    •  You are indeed very brave. (4.00 / 10)

      You are brave to know that having a child was not the right choice for you at that time.  You were brave for following through with that knowledge and that decision.

      You were exceptionally brave to go without anesthesia.

      I hope that my own daughter never has to make such a choice.  But if she does have to choose abortion, I want that choice to be legal.  And I know I would support her whichever way she were to decide.

      A belated and totally inadequate virtual hug from me to that frightened and alone 19-year-old.

      Kate

      Watch this space...

      by kate petersen on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:15:15 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Thank you (none / 0)

      Best piece of writing I've read in a long time.

      This aggression will not stand, man.

      by kaleidescope on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 07:32:44 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  you're very brave (4.00 / 4)

     I am the one who chose the I have impregnated someone who had an abortion.The details I choose to keep private but I will say we both know to this day it was the right decision.

    http://dumpjoe.com/

    by ctkeith on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:06:49 PM PDT

  •  Who didn't? (4.00 / 7)

    Back in the late '60s there wasn't a US college girl who didn't either have an illegal abortion herself or knew someone who did.

    My parents paid my medical bills as a student, so I couldn't go to the doctor's to get the pill. (They wouldn't have understood) There were plenty of false rumors about stroke, cervical cancer, infertility...it seems that the entire US society collaborated in scaring girls off or making the pill hard to get.

    I went to France and with their free healthcare system, I got a year's supply of the "freedom" pill and an state-subsidized exam right away.

    by paper tigress on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:15:24 PM PDT

  •  Brave (none / 0)

    Thanks for the comments, guys. I do appreciate them. However...

    Could future posters stipulate to my bravery and not turn this thread into a lovefest for me? Much as I adore the positive attention and all, I didn't write it for applause (say it with 4's, say it with 4's :D ).

    Was that too brusque? Forgive me. I just meant... well, you know what I meant.

    -9.63, -7.03 Rage, rage against the Lying of the Right

    by Maryscott OConnor on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:18:19 PM PDT

  •  brave (3.75 / 4)

    How brave you were then and how very brave to tell the story now.  

    by paper tigress on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:18:26 PM PDT

  •  I had to vote (none / 0)

    "Other" <evil grin>
    Kind of like filling out an old census form.

    Patriotic, flag waving, radical centrist Howard Dean Democrat. Until we stand on principle and lose our fear of defeat we will never win.

    by rusrivman on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:18:33 PM PDT

    •  Skewing the poll (none / 0)

      Tsk tsk.  Fiendish jocularity abounds.  : )

      -9.63, -7.03 Rage, rage against the Lying of the Right

      by Maryscott OConnor on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:19:50 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Other (4.00 / 5)

      I voted "other" as well. At 19 I was coerced into relinquishing my daughter for adoption. It took me 25 yrs. to find her. I didn't search agressively until she was 18 and found her when she was 25. I also found a grandson :). Going through with the pregnancy (my parents were staunch Catholics) and having to relinquish a full term healthy baby was sheer torture.  It changed my life completely and estranged me from my parents.  Yea I support a woman's right to independantly choose and so does my daughter.

      PS  ... we're the best of friends now :).

      Pssst ... there are mad men in the White House.

      by banjon on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:36:46 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  What to say? (4.00 / 2)

    On the few occassions that I have heard a woman's story of an abortion, I have never known what to say. The stories are always so painfully personal and varied that they defy any meaningful response from me. What insight can I draw? What useful generalization can I make? None.

    That, by the way, is the best reason I can think of to keep government as far away from the decision as possible.

    And now a word from the National Paint, Varnish and Lacquer Association

    by Olds88 on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:37:04 PM PDT

    •  Alcoholism (4.00 / 4)

      Having been raised in an alcoholic home, and eventually becoming a raving (and now sober) alcoholic as an adult, I greatly appreciate your insightful thoughts on the idea that perhaps you saved a child from needless suffering. I can imagine from what I've gathered from your comments here and there, that it is more than likely true.

      I personally believe that what happens to the souls of children exposed to and damaged by active alcoholism and-or drug abuse is of much greater concern than abortion.

      Hostage smiles on presidents, freedom scribbled in the subway. It's like night and day. - Joni Mitchell

      by jazzlover on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:50:21 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Well... (4.00 / 3)

    ...I've never impregnated anyone (I've been careful and lucky) so no abortions, and none of the trauma.  I was fortunate to figure out while I was a virgin that getting someone unwelcomely pregnant is a huge, huge pain in the ass for everyone involved.

    Now I'm with a girl who uses a copper IUD. Yay us!

    Finding God in a Dog

    by maxomai on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:37:33 PM PDT

  •  Wow (4.00 / 2)

    I'm moved by the stories I just read here.  I had to vote "other" because while I can't personally think of a reason I would have an abortion, I never know what the situations will be.  I was lucky as a teenager, that my mom told me she would always support me, no matter what.  The situation was my cousin was pregnant and she gave up her baby for adoption.

    McCain: Less jobs, more war.

    by Unstable Isotope on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:44:50 PM PDT

  •  A story from my mother (4.00 / 9)

    In 1945 my mother was l7 and living in New York. She came home one day from work and found a young woman collapsed in the vestibule bleeding profusely. Mom got help, the young woman was taken to the hospital and later died. The young woman had had a back alley abortion. Mom told me the story when I was about thirteen, and also told me if I ever got in "trouble" to come to her first. I told my daughters the same story and also told them to come to me first.

    Safe, rare, and legal. And remember, we're only one Supreme Court away from those dark days.

    by kimo on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 06:48:05 PM PDT

  •  It all really boils down (none / 0)

    to whether or not you belive that human life begins at conception.

    by Coldblue Steele on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 07:00:58 PM PDT

  •  Other... (4.00 / 5)

    I'm a gay guy, so I've never gotten someone pregnant in the usual way.  I am however, a sperm donor to a lesbian couple who are my closest friends.  They are currently (one of them) in the first trimester of their first child.  So, I do know what it's like to be expecting a child in the very near future.

    I strongly support the right of a woman to end her pregnancy if she feels it necessary, and I salute you for sharing your story and fighting for those freedoms.

    by G35Guy on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 07:26:58 PM PDT

  •  Thanks (none / 0)

    by Trapper John on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 07:40:35 PM PDT

  •  Personal History (4.00 / 7)

    Since we're into sharing.  In 1979, when I was 24, my girlfriend had been on the pill for three years and we'd decided this was dangerously long enough.  So I was forced to participate in a decision:  to have a vasectomy or not.  This was in an era that if you were childless and under forty, you had to have counseling before they'd give you the knife.  After considering everything for a week, we decided that having a child should be difficult, something you should have to affirmatively try for.  So I had the operation.  It bothered the intern more than it did me.  About three weeks after the operation, you have to go back to the clinic and jerk-off into a container to see if you're sterile.  I  rode my bike in, which took about an hour.  So I jerked off in the "jerk off room" at University of Wisconsin Hospital and took my sample to the nurse.  She asked me how "old" the sample was.  Too embarassed to admit I'd just jerked off in the closet, I said about an hour and a half.  She smirked, handed me a new sample bottle and told me to get to work.

    So I'm 48 and have no children.  I don't regret my decision.  I have nephews and neices aplenty.  And my neighbors have lots of beautiful children.  There are plenty of kids in my life.  

    This aggression will not stand, man.

    by kaleidescope on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 07:56:49 PM PDT

  •  thanks again (3.83 / 6)

    I choose that I never impregnated anyone who had an abortion, because I have never impregnated anyone at all.  More from lack of oppertunity than anything else, but I would like to think that it is because I am a responsible male who respects women.  At least that is what I tell myself.  LOL.

    I would like to thank you again for sharing your story.  I think that it puts things into perspective.  It is all too easy to just paint abortion as something that is needed for "irrisponsible people".  It is all too easy to forget that we are all human and all makes mistakes and get into binds.  It is very easy to think that the decision is cutt and dry one way or the other.  Especially if you are a man.

    Todo Bien: It's All Good
    Young Philly Politics

    by charlesdog12 on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 08:19:07 PM PDT

  •  Never have, never will (none / 1)

    Of course, that's one of the benefits to being a gay guy: can't get pregnant, don't want to get anyone else that way.

    Michael
    Musing's musings

    by musing85 on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 08:55:31 PM PDT

  •  Anesthesia Optional? (none / 1)

    Eek!

    And this is the LEGAL procedure.

    I can only imagine.

    I had two D and Cs, one after a miscarriage, one diagnostic. One was in a hospital with a kind male surgeon, and drugs that left me awake but in one of those induced happy states. The other was in the doctor's office with an irritable female surgeon in a velvet pantsuit and lots of jangling jewelry. And no anesthesia. Doctor said it was unnecessary. HAH!

    I voted haven't had an abortion, but might, because I have considered it. At this point,  I don't have to any more which is a relief.

    by zuzu on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 08:59:07 PM PDT

  •  Your Story (none / 1)

    Thank you, Maryscott, for being brave enough to come forward with your story. I can't imagine what that must have been like to go through.

    I shudder to think about what will happen if Roe v. Wade is overturned . . .

    by pine on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 09:47:41 PM PDT

  •  Maryscott (none / 1)

    you never cease to be fascinating.  Your story has helped me confirm my belief in choice.  Thank you.

    ;]

    by lapin on Sun Apr 25, 2004 at 10:16:22 PM PDT

  •  My Un-Abortion Story (4.00 / 2)

    I have a dear, dear friend whom I have known since we were just kids, really. She married young, got pregnant young, and gave birth to a lovely daughter (who now has a child of her own -- gawd, I feel old). A while later, she got pregnant again. She's a small woman, and her doctor became very concerned during the course of her pregnancy about her condition. She was advised, in increasingly strong terms, that she should not attempt to bring her pregnancy to term; that there was little chance of it succeeding; and that the consequences for her could be serious.

    She was a good Catholic. She did not want an abortion. She tried, against her doctor's advice, to bring her pregnancy to term.

    The doctor was able to save her life. Barely.

    Her life alone, and nothing else, including any possibility of ever having another child. Had she followed her doctor's advice, that might have been possible; she certainly wanted more children.

    Is that why she's no longer a Catholic? I can't say for sure, but I can't imagine it helped.

    That's my un-abortion story. I also have abortion stories; they have happier endings.


    "I play a street-wise pimp" — Al Gore

    by Ray Radlein on Mon Apr 26, 2004 at 01:07:51 AM PDT

    •  well on the other hand (none / 1)

      that's one of those "between you and your doctor" situations. She might have regretted it later, or she might have died, but certainly the state and her doctor can't tie her down and force her to have an abortion. That's the point of choice, right? There are many women who are personally pro-life (as in they would choose not to have an abortion) and there is nothing wrong with that position as long as they don't try to impose it on other people.

      Barack Obama will only become president if enough people pay attention, so pay attention, dammit!

      by JMS on Mon Apr 26, 2004 at 06:37:40 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I Agree (none / 1)

        Oh, absolutely; I hope I didn't seem to imply otherwise. It just seemed to me that the focus of this thread was to zoom in on personal choices, rather than policy issues; and I figured that her story would, at the least, represent a personal choice that most people don't think about when considering this issue.

        (on another scale, it could be argued that this illustrates why abortion laws which don't include a "health of the mother" exception are disgusting and, frankly, immoral; and yet, on the other hand, abortion laws which do include a "health of the mother" exception could very nearly represent a carte blanche for the procedure, because pregnancy itself almost always puts the health of the mother at some risk)


        "I play a street-wise pimp" — Al Gore

        by Ray Radlein on Mon Apr 26, 2004 at 06:48:23 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

Permalink | 54 comments