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Republican biologists have announced a breakthrough that may lead to salvation for holier-than-thou hypocrites: A camel small enough to pass through the eye of an ordinary sewing needle. The "micro-camel," as it's been dubbed by GOP researchers, is their first discovery after decades of work in the field of Intelligent Design Theory.

Camel in needle

The micro-camel will provide welcome relief for right-wing millionaires and billionaires, allowing them to enter the kingdom of Heaven despite biblical teachings about wealth and loving thine enemies. Vice-President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and shadowy right-wing financier Richard Mellon Scaife are expected to be among the micro-camel's first beneficiaries, with priority being given to the older and more evil members of the GOP's upper echelons.

GOP researchers were especially jubilant that their discovery did not require the use of stem cells, the theory of evolution, generally accepted accounting principles or any other fields of knowledge that were politically unacceptable. A spokesman for the Republican Party proclaimed that "GOP contributors will have the best of both worlds — lording it over the meek on Earth and then enjoying champagne and caviar in the afterlife."

Originally posted to Scott Forbes on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 06:34 PM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  outstanding (none)

    l'homme est né libre, et partout il est dans les fers

    by zeke L on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 06:41:06 PM PST

  •  LOL (none)
    Brilliant!  Where can I get one?

    I'm a member of a minority group: the reality-based community.

    by Unstable Isotope on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 06:49:53 PM PST

  •  hilarious! (none)
    I hear their philosophers are trying to truly comprehend the paradox of how they can have their cake and eat it too. You can be sure that the right-wing corporate media flacks will be paid lots of-under-the-table govt money to report favorably on this.

    "There are no shortcuts to accomplishing constructive social change ... struggle is called 'struggle' for a reason." Ward Churchill

    by CAuniongirl on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 06:51:09 PM PST

  •  Tip jar (4.00)
    Watch for other great moments in GOP science ("Arsenic: Dangerous poison or tapwater flavor enhancer?") on your local dKos station.
    •  Dont forget that arsenic is 100% all natural (none)
      you'll even find it on the periodic table!

      Phil Bredesen for ME...oh wait I'll only be old enough to run for Congress.

      by FleetAdmiralJ on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 07:00:11 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  So is mercury (none)
        and lead.  Those only have good uses, you know.

        I'm a member of a minority group: the reality-based community.

        by Unstable Isotope on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 07:06:03 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  Uhh? What chapter and verse is that periodic (none)
          table.  And do you know of a table that's constant? I'd prefer that to a periodic one - kinda sounds like a flip-flopper.  :)  

        "My will is easy to decide, for I have nothing to divide" Joe Hill

        by slick riddles on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 08:30:03 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  Arsenic has useful cosmetic purposes! (none)
        It's true! In Napoleon's time low doses of arsenic were used by the upper classes to produce a lighter skin complection. It has been rumored that Napoleon died from arsenic overdose, and when I was in grad school a professor was going to use a proton microscope on some of Napoleon's hair to see if this was true. I told him about the cosmetic use of arsenic and he said that they were going to get some historical hair to act as a control sample. I never did hear how it turned out, though.

        Ah, I get it now! The administration wants more arsenic in the drinking water as a cure for "living while black"! Clever buggers. It'll either whiten them or ...

        No, data is not the plural of anecdote

        by MarkInSanFran on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 08:52:51 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

    •  Have you pitched the series (none)
      to NPR or PBS or Canada? Keep up the good work.

      A democracy that is fixed, is broken.

      by Brother Artemis on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 07:50:44 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  LMAO (none)
    That is awesome....
  •  Twin track research (4.00)
    I heard that, in case the micro camel failed, the GOP had Halliburton working on a scale needle over 300ft long that conventional camels could be herded through. At last report, the project was $20 Billion over budget.
  •  The next venture (none)
    is the Halliburton mining rocket to recover the methane on Titan.  Then they'll build a giant pipeline in space to deliver the natural gas to Earth.

    I'm a member of a minority group: the reality-based community.

    by Unstable Isotope on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 07:19:31 PM PST

  •  O.K. (none)
    This was funny!

    Camelus microdarius can now join the Camelidae family.

    Now if we can only get a picture of those Angels dancing on the head of that pin. . .

  •  Yessireebob, (none)
    that's one small-ass camel.


  •  Damn... (none)
    Guess my grant application to fund commercial development of the macroneedle isn't going to get approved after all.

    A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. (Emerson)

    by Compassionate Conservationist on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 08:53:18 PM PST

  •  HAHAHAHA! (none)

    Thank you. Just... thank you.

    Hilarious and cutting. I've always been stunned that those who hold sacred the New Testament, which champions the poor, could align themselves with the party of exploitive wealth. Like much of the best humor, your diary reveals truth. Freakin' brilliant.

    Ralph to my enemies, Mr. Snart to my friends. (Wait... Do I have that backwards?)

    by mrsnart on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 09:13:32 PM PST

  •  They don't need it. (none)
        During my year of reading Falwell's nuttery as a "student." I took an "archeology" elective. They say their is a large monument that was built which was called "the eye of the needle." They said Christ was refering to this so the metaphore was senanticly null. Since Camels went through the "eye all the time."

        Just a note from your favority wingnut observer

    Don't miss the latest "This Week in Fascism."

    "It's about the accountability, stupid." Thomas Davis 2005

    by Tomtech on Sat Jan 29, 2005 at 08:13:08 AM PST

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