From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We say farewell to Pope John Paul II the only way we can. Snark through the years...
"Prince Charles has delayed his wedding due to the passing of the Pope. I guess he figured maybe now's not the best time to marry his mistress."
---Jay Leno
"The Pope announced that he is going to say mass in Israel next year. When asked why, the Pope said, `I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard any of my material before.'"
---Conan O'Brien
"Pope John Paul II is 82, but it's a young 82. He and the Cardinals celebrated at the Vatican Hooters."
---David Letterman
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
---Unknown
"The Vatican is releasing a new CD that features Pope John Paul II reciting prayers while classical and rock music play underneath. I think the Pope is taking this thing a bit too far because today he announced he's having a feud with West Coast rappers."
---Conan O'Brien
Thanks to Dan Kurtzman for the spin in the Popemobile.
"Captain! Weekend...straight ahead!" Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 8 2005...
By the Numbers:
Number of times Pope John Paul II appeared on the cover of Time magazine: 16
Number of times Bill in Portland Maine appeared on the cover of the Portland Sav-More Shopper Guide and Coupon Clipper: 0
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith': 41
Number of cars on the world's roads today: 800 million
(Source: Wired via The Week magazine)
Amount of money owed in unpaid taxes: $300 billion
(Source: IRS)
Days terror Alert system has been in place: 1,136
Days spent at terror alert Green or Blue: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Modern-day Bonnie and Clyde: you two are so busted.
CHEERS to letting the old man go. The Pope got a hearty "Heeey! Hooooo!" in the Vatican today. The funeral walked a fine line between angelic and creepy. And is it me, or did they borrow David Letterman's ThrillCam for the event? Next time, let's keep the MTV producers home.
JEERS to the Wrecker-in-Chief. "Ya may not agree with me, but...heh...ya know where I stand." Yeah, we do---a new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll says preznit's performance on the economy stands at a dizzying 41 percent---the "lowest point of his presidency." Further proof that, without a major crisis to distract us, we think this guy's a doofus. Get ready for Terror Code Orange, everyone.
CHEERS to saying it better than I can. In today's must-read, David Ignatius at the Washington Post analyzes the presidential slump and concludes: "He's swinging for the fences, on everything from Iraq to Social Security. But leadership isn't just about soaring rhetoric; it's about responsible stewardship. ... The country elected him to be a leader, not a barnstormer." Yeah...ain't buyer's remorse a bitch.
CHEERS to Betty Ford. "38's" wife turns 87 today. A grande dame from an era when the GOP had a smattering of class. Normally I wouldn't suggest making a donation on behalf of a Republican, but today I'll happily make an exception. If you look up `class' in the dictionary...
JEERS to learning from the past...or not, whatever. In his book, "In Retrospect: The Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam" (released 10 years ago today), former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara wrote that he and other American leaders had been "wrong, terribly wrong" about the war. Donald Rumsfeld won't need to write a mea culpa himself---he can just photocopy McNamara's book and slap his name on the cover. Gosh, yes.
CHEERS to the agony of defeat. USA Today has a sneak preview of next week's Senate confirmation hearings for Bush's U.N. Ambassador nominee, John "Michael" Bolton---the guy who says he would love to take a buzz-saw to the top 10 floors of the place. A unified Democratic front (c'mon, guys...) and one Republican defector will sink him. Senator Chafee...would you like a plate of freshly-baked cookies?
JEERS to Bush family values. Let's take daughter Jenna's inventory, since the Pat Robertson/James Dobson brigade seem to have shirked that duty: She smokes. She gets drunk. She wears provocative, "midriff-baring" clothes. And she's apparently adept at getting down on all fours in a nightclub and doing the "butt dance" while guys ogle her thong. But I'm sure it's all in the name of Jesus.
CHEERS to floating felines. The city of Portland has severed its 35-year-old relationship with the creaky cruise ship Scotia Prince, which ferried folks between here and Yarmouth, Nova Scotia between May and October. Which means now the city can negotiate a contract with one o' these babies! [Whisper with me: "Zoom Zoom."]
JEERS to Ivan the Terrible, M.D. From The Week magazine: Russian scientists have discovered that caning people on their bare bottoms has been shown to be an effective treatment for depression and alcoholism. Says one doctor: "At first they didn't like it. But when they started to feel the benefits they kept asking for more." Yeah, maybe because they were DRUNK AND DEPRESSED!!
CHEERS to super sleuths. Happy 68th Birthday to Seymour Hersh, the award winning investigative reporter who broke the My Lai massacre story during the Vietnam War, and shined a spotlight on the Abu Ghraib prison atrocities 30 years later. "The parallel between one quagmire we went through in Vietnam and the one we're in now is clear for everybody to see," he says in the April issue of The Progressive. Eat your cake quickly, sir...we need you in the trenches.
CHEERS to brains over brains. In Slovenia, a TV show wanted to mock a fashion model's lack of intelligence. So they pitted her mind against a nuclear physicist's. Turns out Iris Mulej scored a 156 on her IQ test...higher than the science guy. And she could probably kick his ass in the Jell-O pit, too.
C&J Flashback: April 8, 2004...
JEERS to Donald "Dick" Rumsfeld. The latest knee-slapper on the Iraq war: "We're trying to explain how things are going, and they are going as they are going." But are they `known goings' or `unknown goings,' Darth?
CHEERS to drinking games. During Condi "Beans And" Rice's testimony today before the 9/11 commission, take a swig of your favorite moonshine every time she makes the claim that the Iraq invasion was necessary in the "War on Terror." Don't plan on driving anywhere this afternoon.
And just one more...
CHEERS to minty-fresh coinage. Courtesy of Conan O'Brien, check out the new state quarter designs for California, Alaska and South Dakota. Ch'ching!!
Have a great weekend, ya sassy bastards! Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?