Like a moth returning to the flame, so I have accepted the
challenge of a running diary about a trip into the Bizarro Universe of Hannity and Colmes. After lengthy negotiations, my
demands were met, and joining me as always is an itchy trigger finger on the remote control and my trusty twelve pack of Miller Light.
Today's entry is a challenge of concentration--Hannity and Colmes is on Channel 32, and Full House reigns, just a click away, on Nick at Nite. With my love of a tasty brew matched only by my gluttony for punishment, our adventure begins beneath the fold...
Caveat emptor--it's scary down here.
8:57: I flip on Fox News a tad early and the "Who Farted?" look is flush upon Bill O'Reilly's face. He's staring right in my eyes and seemingly speaking right into my soul.
BILL: "Hey...I recognize you! Weren't you here last Thursday?"
ME: "Um....yeah, that was me."
BILL: "Well hey, why don't we go out after the show? You know, get some dinner, catch a movie--"
ME: "Bill."
BILL: "--head back to my place, grab a loof--"
ME: "BILL! I'm actually sticking around here, waiting for Sean and Alan."
BILL: "Oh."
ME: "Yeah."
BILL: "Huh."
8:58: (Awkward silence)
8:59: BILL: "Well, maybe you can stop by later in the week, we could--"
ME: "It's over Bill, just drop it--it's over, man."
BILL: "We'll see about that!"
(Bill hurls a smoke grenade to the ground and disappears in a purple haze.)
9:00: Hannity and Colmes enter the screen with all subtlety of a swift kick to my Greta van Susterans. Alan leads with Fox News Alert about a manhunt for a murder and rape suspect: we should be on the lookout for a white middle-aged male, driving a pickup truck with an extended cab and South Carolina license plates.
What are you looking at me like that for? Hey, I'm just reporting--you decide.
9:01: The three main headlines on this edition of Hannity and Colmes are Hillary: Over the Line?, Pie Throwing Epidemic and a Michael Jackson Update...yep, sounds like the most pressing non-domestic or foreign policy issues out there.
9:03: Colmes starts things up with a John Bolton segment. Nice clip of Barbara Boxer laying into Bolton, claiming he has shown "nothing but a disdain for United Nations." If you're buying stock in a Democratic politician, I got a hot tip for you.
Alan welcomes Laura Ingraham and Democratic Strategist Mary Anne Marsh to discuss the Bolton hearings. Presumably, Sean Hannity is still pacing in his cage, the fresh blood of a sacrificial goat dripping from his jowls.
9:03 (continued): Ingraham asserts that, "Democrats don't want to win elections--they're missing the boat by not focusing on a depressed stock market, a shaky dollar, a struggling economy and trouble in the Middle East and instead focusing on the Bolton nomination." Holy shit, she's right! Our country has serious problems! Let's throw the bums out! 4 to 1 odds says Laura freakin' Ingraham just delivered the most effective Democratic talking point of the evening.
9:04: Laura reverts to form, claiming that Democrats are standing with "King Jong Il and European Intellectuals" in their opposition to Bolton. Clump of hair number one says a tearful goodbye to my scalp...Kim Jong Il and European intellectuals are currently finishing up a poker game in my kitchen, and they will be SOOOO pissed by this "guilt by association" tactic.
Damn you Ingraham!
9:05: Can you SMEEEELLLLLLLLLLL what the Sean is Cookin'? Hannity emerges from his cage, ferocious and ready: "We have watched this President get called every name in the book, undermining his War on Terrorism! Democrats stand for nothing! Poll after poll shows growing disdain for the United Nations. Most people--most regular people--agree with the Republicans!"
Thanks for adding that "regular" qualifier about the people who agree with you. Are you trying to insinuate that because I oppose Bolton's nomination, because I am a liberal, that I am somehow "irregular"? Suh, you have offended my honor!
9:06: Bathroom Break. This may take a few minutes.
9:08: Marsh nails a nice point about Lincoln Chafee's support of Bolton--she says he "cares more about the Republican Party than the people of Rhode Island." Frisky!
Alan ends the segment with the milquetoasty claim that Democrats HAVE approved of a number of judicial nominees, so we aren't that bad. I'm waiting for Hannity, rational, sentient being that he is, to recognize this point and come to a détente with the Democratic Party.
9:09: Still waiting.
9:10: Still waiting. The first commercial is for Putnam investing.
9:11: Still waiting. ExxonMobil commercial.
9:12: Still waiting. Third commercial is for a Navigator, a behemoth of an SUV--hmm, I'm detecting a pattern here. If the next commercial is asking me for just 75 cents a day to feed Tom DeLay's starving family, I think I'll have nailed down the demographics of this audience
9:12: Sean shamelessly returns, bemoaning the "conservatives who are coming under attack from crazy left wingers."
Oh...my...God. Have the MoveOn folks gone militant? Are Kossacks running through the streets with torches ablaze, seeking to take revenge on Bush voters? Has Democracy for America formed a guerilla unit in the Vermont foothills?
Nope. William Kristol, David Horowitz and Ann Coulter were hit in the face with pies.
Seriously, that's what he was talking about. Sean informs us that "we'll here from one of the victims later tonight." For those of you scoring at home, the guest count now stands at People Hit in Face with Key Lime Pie 1, Iraq War Veterans 0.
9:13: Hannity, rhymes "Hill" with "Shrill"!
9:14: Jerry Brown joins Hannity and Colmes, with a courageous plea for moderation. Brown can't believe how the Republicans win elections by "3...or 5 or 6 percent" running roughshod over the minority. 3 or 5 or 6 percent...yeah, that's ballparking it, ace. Nice prep.
9:15: Sean gets pissed at Democrats because we can't find good in any Republicans...not Bush, not Rummy, not Cheney, and, I quote, "not even Condi Rice."
Now, in an effort to extend an olive branch, I will grant Condi this: the August 6th 2001 memo had many, many polysyllabic words, including "imminent." What the hell does that mean? Is she expected to be the National Security Advisor AND Noah fucking Webster?
Hannity continues by saying that "Major Dems" have been floating about crazy Iran invasion plans to help Jeb Bush become President, secret 9/11 plots involving the Bush family, and other wacky conspiracy theories...see, I TOLD you guys it was a mistake to promote an aging Maynard G Krebs to the position of "Major Dem".
9:16: Colmes takes over the interview, and inexplicable fails to take Jerry Brown to task for equating unprecedented corruption among Republicans with Hillary Clinton SAYING that Republicans are corrupt. Nasty business, that politics. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
We're a quarter of the way in and the dynamic between Sean and Alan is ripe for analogies. Pop Quiz:
Hannity::Colmes:
- Mighty Kids Meal::Happy Meal
- Tuba::Recorder
- Zack Morris::Screech
- Huge bag of E. Coli burgers::slightly smaller bag of E. Coli burgers
9:18: Hannity cuts to commercial with video of Ann Coulter getting hit by a pie. Sean pooh-poohs, "Is nothing sacred?"
"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." -Ann Coulter
Nope, Sean, I'd have to agree--nothing is sacred.
9:21: Uncle Jesse is flipping out because his groupie date was scared away by DJ, Stephanie and Michelle. Strangely, she has no problem with his mullet. Oh...sorry, I'm supposed to be watching Hannity and Colmes. My apologies.
9:22: Pie in the face montage! Does anybody smell a Peabody?
David Horowitz joins the show. Hmm, "Peabody" was four letters away from what I was smelling. Colmes immediately apologizes for the pie throwing, "on behalf of liberals". Follicle clump number two evacuates my head.
9:23: Horowitz claims that wherever he goes, protestors create trouble. He claims he "has no idea" what they're protesting. Hmm...I wonder what it could be?
As a completely unrelated aside, I'd like to point out that a Michael Jackson segment is coming up later on the show. "Man in the Mirror" is my favorite Michael Jackson song.
9:24: Your nominee for quote of the night:
"Yes, I'm angry. If that pie was thrown a little bit harder, it would have...it would have broken my glasses." -- David Horowitz
9:25: Sean is incensed! "It's serious...look at the fear on Ann Coulter's face! She's 110 lbs! I heard that I am number one on the pie thrower's hit list!"
To which I humbly add, "Heavens to Mergatroid!"
9:26: Horowitz ends with a long rant about Michael Moore, George Soros, and how liberal professors incite students to throw pies at conservatives. You know, I studied for three years under Professor the Clown in college, and I can assure everyone, Bozo was no liberal rabble-rouser.
A much needed commercial break. Gotta pee.
9:29: Really, what DID ever happen to predictability? I mean, the milkman...the paperboy...
9:31: The Minute Men are still on the prowl...James Gilchrist, organizer of the Minute Men project and Paul Sorvino body double joins Sean and Alan via telephone. While he talks, we're getting video feeds of the Minute Men. Looks to me like a bunch of retirees out in the desert, smiling, planting flags, peering through binoculars, and hunting for some Mexicans. It's like watching Charlton Heston direct a remake of "Cocoon".
9:33: Sean claims that charges of assault against a Minute Man are false because of a video he has of a guy giving water to a Mexican through a barbed wire fence
9:34: Gilchrist responds by saying that there was trouble with one Minute Man, and he has since left the organization. Hannity counters by once again showing a video of a separate guy giving aforementioned water to aforementioned Mexican. Sean claims that this proves that the Minute Men are law abiding folks. Gee, Sean, does this mean that my copy of Naked Gun 2 1/2 means OJ is innocent?
9:35: Colmes opens his interview by referencing Gilchrist's defense against charges of Aryan Nation ties. For those not in the loop, the Minute Men's website was linked to by Aryan Nation groups. Gilchrist responded to the charges by saying that "Well, there are white supremacists, brown supremacists, yellow supremacists, purple supremacists."
Given this, Colmes laughable asks, "Just who are these purple supremacists?"
Alan Colmes, killing us softly, with his suck.
9:37: Sean kicks it over to Greta van Susteran, who looks 80% more like Paula Poundstone then when I last saw her during the OJ trial.
9:37: Hannity comes back with a teaser--we'll be "amazed by what our so-called friends n Mexico are up to".
You know, Sean Hannity is the type of guy who, if you lived next door to him, would constantly bitch about how your hedges were growing an eighth of an inch into his property line. You'd make the offer of trimming them this weekend, when it isn't raining, but Sean wouldn't be pleased. He'd threaten to call the cops unless you get out there, right now, and trim the fucking hedges, rain or no rain. And he wouldn't even go inside while you do it. He'd sit out on his front porch, drinking an Arnold Palmer, and give you instructions on how to properly trim your hedges. He's that kind of douche.
Another clump of hair is torn out of my scalp. The hairline is on Code Costanza right now.
9:39: HA! Metamucil commercial!!! Who's "regular" now?
9:40: Hannity breaks the story of a police deputy killed by an illegal immigrant who was deported for dealing drugs three times. Coincidental programming schedule or more second hand anecdotal evidence of the pressing need to invade Mexico? We report, you decide.
9:42: The parents of the murdered deputy say that 3000 murderers have fled the justice system to Mexico, trumping the amount of WMD's found in Iraq by 3000. Who's down for another war? This time, we can Spring Break there!
9:43: The mother of the slain deputy talks about her son's death. Fox News elects this time to fill the bottom right quarter of the screen with a picture of Michael Jackson and a caption reading "Coming Up: Did Jackson Beg to Have Kids in His Bed?". You can't spell "shameful" without "Man, Sean Hannity is Full of Shit"
9:43: Sean becomes angry, again. "THEY should have supported us in the UN. THEY murdered your son." THEY? Really? So one drug-using teenager represents the entire nation of Mexico? Oh boy...little does Lindsey Lohan know of her geopolitical impact.
9:45: Sean asks if the parents are angry at Mexico. The mother believes Bush is doing all he can, and doesn't believe the President will let her down. Wait a second, first Schiavo and now this? A growing part of me is thinking that President Bush saw Spiderman three years ago and thought, "Hey Karl, that's cool, man. I should just wonder around, solving people's problems, one by one."
9:49: Commercial for Sushi bar...damn conservative elites.
9:50: Michael Jackson update!! Honestly, I couldn't care less. Court TV's Catherine Crier joins the studio, saying that "It's so creepy, it's getting worse. If my man ever did that to me I..." (trails off). Catherine Crier. Court TV. A big round of applause everybody.
9:52: Sean chips in with an observation that this whole case is "gross" and is an embarrassment to Michael Jackson. I sense no irony in Hannity's voice.
We now interrupt this running diary with a THIS DAY IN HISTORY update...
APRIL 11, 1998: Sean Hannity's television and radio career continues to blossom, due entirely to the President getting a blowjob.
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
9:57: The last 5 minutes of drivel have taken 7.8 years off my life.
9:58: Colmes breathlessly announces that, "excitement was caused in DC today, but not by another round of pork barrel spending." HAHA!! Zing! How can conservative Fox viewers not love liberals after seeing a man who looks like the Crypt Keeper, with all the humor of a fart in church?
9:59: Sean tosses it to Greta while a nation assesses the total loss of brain cells over the last 60 minutes. I finish the job on my hair and am left alone, slightly buzzing and hairless.