Recently the White House has sought to burnish President Bush's image as that of an engaged, contemporary "boomer," his finger on the pulse of modern culture and habits. By sharing details of his daily exercise regimen along with a list of songs his staff has put on his personal iPod playlist, they seek to challenge the notion that the President's conservatism makes him a party pooper.
In keeping with this effort, the administration has now provided reporters with copies of the President's web browser download history, as well as an extensive itemized accounting of adult materials obtained through so-called peer-to-peer services. The following report, gathered by an assemblage of citizen journalists and indigent itinerants, is ostensibly work safe, though the discussion of the President's taste in erotica may be offensive to "some prudes," as his aides described them.
Earlier this year, among a shower of gifts from grateful campaign donors, Bush received a Dell Inspiron with a 3.0GHz Pentium4 processor, 512mb DDR400, 60GB HDD and a 64MB ATI Mobility Radeon 9800 for use in preparing campaign speeches, creating PowerPoint presentations of presidential directives, and "for gaming." After his widely reported gaffe during the recent presidential debates, where he termed cyberspace "the internets" he was keen to get up to speed on becoming a productive member of the online community. After some weeks, the White House IT department secured the appropriate clearances and passwords for logging on to the White House Intranets and he was off and running. Of course, due to the President's punishing schedule, most of his online activity, like surfing discount shopping sites and passing along humorous e-mails to family and friends, was left to subordinates.
A particularly thorny issue arose when staff members considered the acquiring of adult content via the web. Establishing and managing a comprehensive list of adult websites, with their attendant pricing plans, evaluation periods, access codes, and preferred video codecs at first proved daunting, especially given the President's highly variegated likes and dislikes. But over time a system was devised whereby aides would approach the President at his "private hour" and query him as to which themes and scenarios were interesting to him that day. They had to be fast on their feet as "cheerleaders in rubber" or "transvestite judges" were as likely choices as "double-penetration" or "felching." Once the word had come down, technicians would quickly enter the appropriate URLs and passwords, often after a quick search on Booble, and then leave the President to himself, with lotions and commemorative White House towels. Except in rare instances when the President desired "an audience."
Out of town trips for the First Lady often resulted in marathon sessions with IT personnel divided into shifts and a medical technician on hand to administer intravenous fluids. At these times the website stickapickleinmyhole.com received many hits, perhaps an unconscious homage to his wife ("Pickles" being the First Lady's affectionate nickname from her early years as a pole dancer).
Other frequent browser stops included privatizemypussy.com, chimpsinheat.com, bigsupermegagiganticfreakcock.com, nineyearoldboyz.com, and rapetheragheadprisoner.com. "Depending on his mood," as an aide pointed out. In addition the President created several user profiles at online cruising sites, with headless nude images of his body and clever psuedonyms like "George Bush" and "Dubya, Number 43 & 44." His favorite seems to have been anybodybutmywife.com which is registered to an offshore address in the Antilles, and seems now to be defunct.
It wasn't long before the President was ready to branch into the world of peer-to-peer downloading, which, after all, as he exclaimed to his staff, "is a helluva good way to save some money." Soon he was acquiring full length videos and DVDs, along with all the necessary security "cracks." He was fond of joking that "his boys could penetrate" just about any copyright protections they encountered. The exception being certain adult pay-per-view events converted from Tivo systems. Those the President was apparently willing to watch "live with a bowl of pretzels."
The voluminous list of pornographic titles downloaded at no expense to the taxpayer ran the gamut of human sexuality from "Slurp My Seed with a Spoon 3" to "AA Meeting Amateurs: One Ho at a Time." Gender reversals and same sex themes were also explored as in "Don't Ask, Don't Come on My Face," "Trannies Held Up in Committee," and "500 Men and a Baby."
In disseminating the President's intimate download habits, the White House intends especially to convey to voters (particularly unemployable white men) that their President shares their concerns and relates to their way of life. As the President himself divulged for this report, in a rare moment of on the record candor, "sex between a man and a woman for the purposes of procreation is what the Lord intended, but you'd be an asshole to miss the tits on some of these bitches." With that the President unleashed his trademark coyote howl.