From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
One of the bright spots of the papal overcoverage has been Father Guido Sarducci's reports "from the Vatican" on the Al Franken Show. Yesterday, for instance---we couldn't think of a better way to hear the news of Joseph Ratzinger's elevation than with Al and Father Guido providing a running commentary. It was perfect, and reminded us how much we love their dry humor. Here are some oldies but goodies from the man of the cloth we would've voted for in a heartbeat...
On The Last Supper: It was actually a brunch. The check reveals that one guy only had a soft-boiled egg and tea, while everyone else stuffed themselves. But when the bill was paid, it was divided equally. The moral: "In groups, always order the most expensive thing."
On The "Missing" Commandments: There were actually more than ten, but Moses was old and grumpy, and after he broke the tablets he could only remember the negative ones. "Don't do this. Don't do that." The truth is, most of them were more like advice. The Twelfth Commandment, for example, was "Whistle while you work." (People think its from Disney, but Disney stole it from God.)
On Getting to Heaven: Life is a job. You get $14.50 a day, but after you die, you have to pay for your sins. Stealing a hub cap is around $100. Masturbation is 35 cents (it doesn't seem like much, but it adds up). If there's money left when you subtract what you owe from what you've earned, you can go to Heaven. If not, you have to go back to work. (Sort of like reincarnation---many nuns are Mafia guys working it off.)
Cheers and Jeers goes straight to hell in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 20, 2005...
Note: Due to construction, all blog traffic will be down to one lane today. We regret the inconvenience.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Passover: 3
Days `til the next Federal Reserve Board meeting: 13
Days `til Mother's Day: 18
First quarter loss for General Motors: $1.1 billion
Number of tourists who visit the "Field of Dreams" baseball field in Dyersville, Iowa each year: 65,000
(Source: The Week magazine)
San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome's favorability rating: 80%
Proportion of mobile-phone users worldwide who said in a survey that they have interrupted sex to take a call: 14%
(Source for the above two items: Time)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Let me take a wild guess: It's Wednesday.
CHEERS to Bush's "mandate." If it was on life-support before, it's flat-lining now as a new CBS News poll shows universal disdain for both preznit and the Republican-controlled congress. Chance of these thugs actually listening to We The People and changing their style: about one-in-never.
CHEERS to the new old Pope. In a remarkably brief election process, 78 year-old German cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was selected to lead the Catholic faithful. His new name: Benedict "Benny" ExVeeEye. As cuddly as a board with a nail through it, but anyone missing a stern grandfather figure in their life is in luck. The new greeting: kneel...kiss the ring...pull the finger.
JEERS to sinful omissions. 25 minutes after Al Franken announced the name of the new Pope on Air America, newsman Wayne Gilman didn't mention it during his top-hour newscast. Tsk tsk...you're not taping your news so you can beat the lunch crowd...are you?
JEERS to U.S. News & World Report. For finding the need to publish this Clinton-bashing cartoon in their latest issue. Not funny. Not relevant. Not nice.
CHEERS to Buckeyes with balls. Thanks to the dissent of Ohio Senator George Voinovich (and the wrath of Democrats), the nomination of John Bolton as U.S. Middle-Finger-Extender to the U.N. is on hold for a few weeks. Score one for the good guys.
JEERS to 6 years of "Why?" The Columbine High School massacre took place on this date in 1999 as Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 classmates and a teacher and wounded 26 others. If you feel so inclined, you can donate to the Columbine Memorial Fund. And it might not be a bad idea to give Michael Moore's Oscar-winner another look, either.
CHEERS to John Paul Stevens. The Supreme Court Justice turns 85 today. Two years ago he helped overturn Bowers vs. Hardwicke (which he voted against in 1986), decriminalizing sodomy laws, and also voted against handing the White House keys over to Bush in 2000. That's good enough for me---many happy returns, Your Honor.
JEERS to rabid rubes. Rush Limbaugh decided it might be amusing to use the 10th anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing as an excuse to bash Bill Clinton on his radio show. Bonus negative points for raising the noxious notion that Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols "could have just been a couple of front men, pawns. Who knows. I mean, there's evidence out there that Al-Qaeda was involved in this..." But at least he didn't exploit the tragedy for the sake of his ratings.
CHEERS to knowing crap when you see it. Thank you, John at Americablog, for recognizing the awfulness of the Alliance For Justice campaign "starring" a bullhorn named Phil A. Buster. It's called condescension, guys. Look it up.
JEERS to losing your appetite. Oh, the insanity! First we read that the government has scrapped its traditional food pyramid in favor of 12 new ones to confuse the hell out of us. Now a new report shows the rules might not even be necessary because people who are moderately overweight are actually healthier than people who aren't! I think their campaign to end overeating is working...`cause all I want to do now is drink.
CHEERS to putting kids first. The Utah legislature has voted to give the big heave-ho to Bush's unfunded mandate known as No Child Left Behind. It could cost the reddish-hued state $76 million in gub'ment greenbacks, but they say the program is unwieldy and unfair. In tribute, C&J is drinking decaffeinated tea today. Cheers!
JEERS to Bill's big brain fart. In yesterday's C&J, I forgot to send congratulations to Kossack Plutonium Page and her husband, Plutonium Frank, on their nuptials (can I use that word in mixed company?). Here's to a long and happy life together. Um...you did save the garter for me, right?
CHEERS to Home Sweet Double-wide Home. History's first mobile home (horse-drawn) began a trip from London to Cyprus 125 years ago today. And just look at how far we've come, `y'all.
JEERS to whiny babies. Education Secretary Margaret "Mis" Spellings is aghast because she actually has to work and be a mom at the same time. Says she: "I have to work [and] I'm going to have to get back into the baby-sitter business." I'm sure I echo working moms across the country when I say, "Wah."
CHEERS to heart-healthy ha-ha's. A group of London researchers has concluded that people who experience more "happy moments" tend to have healthier hearts than stressed-out curmudgeons. So remember, folks, just because the right-wingers are trying to bludgeon us out of existence doesn't mean we can't laugh about it. T...T...tee hee?
C&J Flashback: April 20, 2004...
JEERS to Wrong-Way Kerry. Latest CNN/USA/Gallup and ABC News polls show The Chin lagging behind Bush. Yeah, but only because Dubya has a slogan, a message, a bigger war chest, an army of passionate surrogate spokespeople, and steely-eyed conviction. Other than that, the numbers are a total mystery.
JEERS to the impending carbohydrate crisis. Ice cream prices will soar by 30% this summer. The National Ice Cream Retailers Association attributes the upcoming disaster to a "perfect storm" of higher butter, milk, vanilla and chocolate costs. Hold me tight and tell me it'll be okay.
And just one more...
CHEERS to men in black. Try...just try...to not get totally jazzed about `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith" after you watch this preview. 29 days `til those obnoxiously pious Jedi get their butts kicked.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless testimonial:
"But at least Bush is doing better than Cheers and Jeers, which earns a thumbs-up from only 35 percent of Americans--nearly as low a rating as it received last week immediately after its promotion to the front page."
CBS News poll
4/19/05.
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