From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Damn you, Newsweek!!!
Taking the lead of the White House---as all patriotic American boys and girls should do---C&J officially blames Newsweek for the following:
Droughts, floods and hailstorms. Fleas. The Cs, Ds and Fs I got in school. Computer freeze-up. Peeling paint. Graffiti. Potholes. My handwriting. Trolls. Clogged pipes and leaky basements. Zits, blackheads and Eczema. Base closures. Gas prices. Global warming and gout. Dust mites. Powerline, Instapundit, Little Green Footballs and anal leakage (sorry for the redundancy). The decline of western civilization. Tone deafness. Infomercials. Exploding donkey carts. Yappy dogs. Root rot. Dead batteries. Anakin turning to the dark side of The Force. Bloating. Idi Amin, Clay Aiken and Ann Coulter. Dirty dishes. The nuclear option. Moonies. Pages that are stuck together. The time my brother shot me with a BB gun. Supermarket checkout lines. Accordions and bagpipes. Shampoos that force you to rinse AND repeat. Watergate. Buttock lint. HMOs. Dirty diapers. Tardiness. Whatever it is they're hiding at Area 51. And Time magazine.
But, c'mon...ya gotta admit their Conventional Wisdom Watch is kinda cute.
Cheers and Jeers is off to see `Star Wars III' the moment we hit "Submit"... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 19, 2005...
Note: Due to recent troll activity, C&J has initiated a new "ScentSensor" ID program. Please press your face firmly against your monitor and breathe heavily. Oh, it's YOU! Hi!
By the Numbers:
Days `til Memorial Day: 11
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith': 0!!!
Percent of favorable reviews for `Star Wars III' at Rottentomatoes.com: 83%
Percent favorable reviews for President Bush: 47%
(Source: NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll)
Teaspoons of sugar in two cans of soda pop: 20
Acres of U.S. land covered by lawns: 40 million
Amount of gas used in lawnmowers per year in the U.S.: 800 million gallons
(Source: U.S. News & World Report)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Don't be fooled! This caption may say Robert Jäger, but I know Robert Novak when I see him! Anyway, poor doggie.
CHEERS to Star Wars. By the time you read this, we'll be blasting into hyperspace aboard the Millenium Metro Bus, headed for the multiplex with Count Dooku-style lightsaber in hand. And for one final, fleeting day, we are---mind, body and soul---13 again. Thanks for the ride, George.
JEERS to Star Wars. The Air Force is awaiting Grand Moff Bush's approval to build ray guns, deflector shields and ion cannons to use against...who exactly? Oh, well, we know what this is about: Money Money Money.
CHEERS to Bush's droopy drawers. A New NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll shows that Preznit's approval on Iraq, the economy and, well, just his arrogant smirking face are in the toilet. The one bright spot: voters are relieved to know that at least he can drive a car in a circle.
CHEERS to literally supporting the troops. Chuck O'Brien went from creating fake cadavers on `CSI' to creating life-like prosthetics for injured vets of the Iraq war. Sure beats the hell out of a yellow car magnet.
JEERS to favoritism. Apple's amazing new Tiger operating system didn't get a cover story in Time magazine...but Bill Gates' X-Box video game system did. Hmm...interesting.
CHEERS to life after Star Wars. Looks like C3PO and R2D2 will find employment at a London hospital, where robots have started assisting physicians. But we'll take our enema the old-fashioned way, thanks.
CHEERS to Frank Gorshin. He looked like Kirk Douglas (and did a bang-up impression of him), but he'll always be remembered as Batman's Emmy-nominated nemesis in wacky exchanges like this:
Riddler: Riddle me this, Batman: what are the chilliest 12 inches in the world?
Batman: Cold feet!
Riddler: Excellent! What suit of cards lays eggs?
Batman: One that's chicken-hearted. Now listen to this, Riddler, sticks and stones may break my bones...
Riddler: Now you listen to me, Batman! My line is plugged into radio station GTZR! That means that all of Gotham City...[giggles]...has heard you called...[giggles]...a coward!
Rest easy, Frank.
JEERS to Boy Wonder's Blunder. 13 years ago, VP Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values. I'd wish him a happy anniversary, but I forget which rock he's under.
CHEERS to the courage not to fight. On May 19, 1774, the first Shakers sailed to America from England. During the Revolution they refused to fight and were jailed, making them our first conscientious objectors. And you thought they just made nifty furniture...
CHEERS to trial of the Sith. Oh, Bilmon, you're so good. One day...one day very soon...they'll get theirs. (and by all means, click for the larger image!)
C&J Flashback: May 19, 2004...
CHEERS to elderly employment. Bush re-nominates Alan Greenspan---the Colonel Sanders of Greenbacks---for a final term as Fed Chairman. Don't let my 401k down, kiddo. [5/19/05 Update: Get outta Dodge already...assman.]
JEERS to Rabid Rapturists. Courtesy of Village Voice (via Atrios), the Bushies again prove they're stuck to religious fanatics like chewing gum on a shoe. The latest: White House got OK from Armageddon-obsessed Christians before endorsing Israel's plan for the Gaza Strip. I liked it better when Nancy Reagan just consulted astronomers.
And just one more...
CHEERS to your plumber's best friend. Sick of Star Wars already? Then cleanse your palette with this classic ad for Crack Spackle. Makes a great gift!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"So why in the world did we ever get into a situation where cheers and jeers apparently were swallowed like M&Ms and adults winked at each other when they started growing brains as big as tree trunks? However it happened, I'm glad that it finally seems to be changing."
Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX)
5/18/05
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