From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Yesterday was the late comedian Paul Lynde's 78th birthday. He and I share the same birthplace---Mt. Vernon, Ohio---so today some 70's-era political zingers from the Center Square who was a bitchy queen when Carson Kressley was still in diapers...
Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe's The Raven said, "Nevermore." What did Gilbert and Sullivan's Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: "Let's not wallow in Watergate!"
Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: Well, like all of us, naked and screaming.
Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room.
Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying, "They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity.
Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
Cheers and Jeers dispenses Spiegel Catalogue gift certificates in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Tuesday, June 14, 2005...
Note: Today's Cheers and Jeers has been lightly drizzled with butter-flavored topping. But don't eat the parsley...it's plastic.
By the Numbers:
Days `til the U.S. Open golf tourney: 2
Days `til Father's Day: 5
Days `til July 4th: 20
Date the Downing Street Minutes were published in the London Sunday Times: May 1, 2005
Number of questions asked about the Minutes by the White House press pool in the 19 subsequent Scott McClellan press briefings: 2 (out of approx. 940 asked)
(Source: N.Y. Times columnist Frank Rich)
Percent of kids who walked or rode their bike to school in 1960: 50%
Percent who walk or ride their bike to school today: 10%
(Source: U.S. News & World Report)
Number of baseball cards stuck between the spokes in my tri...bicycle: 12
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Canine reaction to the Michael Jackson verdict. They got good instincts, them dawgs.
Jacko...
CHEERS to the verdict. A competent jury votes not guilty...much to the chagrin of the sicko media. Now...run, freaky music man, run to Europe like you said you would! (But don't forget to send us a postcard from Nada Nada Land.)
JEERS to the big fat losers, part 1. Namely, the prosecuting attorneys, who spent last Wednesday night celebrating their "victory" early with fine food and drink. S'cuse me, counselor...you dropped your Alka-Seltzer wrapper.
P.S. DOUBLE JEERS to Drudge for front-paging the above story last week...and getting it wrong again. Quite the pattern you got goin' there, li'l fella.
JEERS to big fat losers, part II. Fox News's Shepard "Is My Eyeliner Smudging?" Smith engaged in this asinine pre-verdict gobbledygook (paraphrasing here): "I've just been informed that the jury is staring at the judge and is not looking around the courtroom. I've seen this before and that usually means a guilty verdict. They don't want to make eye contact with a defendant they've just condemned to a jail sentence." Would you like a little ketchup for your crow, Shep?
JEERS to the looming crap storm. Coming soon to a Parade magazine near you: Michael Jackson plates, "collectible" stamps from Bermuda (and, of course, coins from Ohio), souvenir gloves and Thomas Kinkade sculptures. Great country, isn't it?
CHEERS to the two sweetest words in the English language today: "It's over." Okay...who's next? "Me! Me! Me!"
The rest...
CHEERS to the Tipping Point. A new Gallup poll shows that a majority of Americans are waking up and smelling Bush's lies: "Of those who say the war wasn't worth it [56%], the top reasons cited are fraudulent claims and no weapons of mass destruction found; the number of people killed and wounded; and the belief that Iraq posed no threat to the United States." Now banned from the White House rec room: dominoes.
JEERS to the idiots among us. Same Gallup poll: "Of the 42% who say the war was worth it, the top reasons cited are the Sept. 11 attacks on the United States [and] the need to stop terrorism..." Proof that evolution also works in reverse. Banana?
JEERS to supporting only some of the troops. Last week Texas Gov. Rick "Thrust And" Perry said that gay veterans returning from Iraq who disagree with the new anti-gay-marriage bill he signed should move to "some other state that has a more lenient view than Texas." Yesterday the Washington Post delivered this left to the jaw: "Mr. Perry, a veteran himself, did not take the trouble to honor the service of gay people now in harm's way... His message was simple: If you don't like it, leave. It's a message unworthy of the governor of any state." Punishment: 20 lashes with a yellow-ribbon car magnet.
JEERS to Big Bird in the unemployment line. A House subcommittee has voted to slash federal funding of public broadcasting. In the crosshairs: kiddie fare we grew up with like "Sesame Street" and "Reading Rainbow." Worse yet: they voted to eliminate all Corporation for Public Broadcasting money within two years. And just as president Bush was getting the hang of diphthongs.
P.S. You can blame all of the above on Laura and her big mouth.
CHEERS to Flag Day. Yes, we support an American's first amendment right to burn the Stars and Stripes in protest if that floats their boat. But, damn...what a waste of a beautiful banner. Betsy...ya done good.
JEERS to racism. 138 years ago yesterday, the House passed the 14th Amendment, guaranteeing civil rights for black people. Sadly, a lot of white people still haven't heard.
CHEERS to Al Gore. The GOP smeared him like they wuz greasin' a pig in 2000 because he claimed he was one of the earliest supporters of the internet. So I guess he should return the Webby Award he just received for "his pivotal role in the development of the Internet over the last 30 years." The man's imagination is clearly out of control.
CHEERS to Britain's lead. Sure, Tony Blair can be a major wanker sometimes. But C&J applauds him for what he's doing to bring relief to Africa. Namely, dragging George W. Bush kicking and screaming into the Do-Gooders Society. It's so against his nature.
JEERS to Tracy Schmidt. The androgynously-named male or female mouthpiece from the RNC responded to Howard Dean's latest verbal offensive with this gem: "Dean's inflammatory rhetoric makes it clear that Democrats have no vision and would rather pander to the maniacal fringe than talk about the important issues facing our country." Wow...how did he/she know I'm a Maineiac? Eerie.
CHEERS to meeting the gang. A fun time was had by all Saturday at the mini Kossack/C&J reunion in Portsmouth, NH. Poli Sigh, HD player, Shermanesq, 42, Thestral, Common Sense Mainer (my sweetie) and yours truly broke bread, dissed Bush, and shopped for bah-gins. Sadly, not a single fart amongst us.
JEERS to the Flaky Five. After a long hiatus, the Backstreet Boys are back...and apparently they've decided to become kazoo-playing Gestapo subway vigilantes. Eh...it's a living.
CHEERS to a good walk spoiled. 104 years ago today---in 1901---the first professional open championship to utilize rules of the U.S. Golf Association was held in Hamilton, Massachusetts. I always thought there was only one rule: Make sure the beer's cold.
C&J Flashback: June 14, 2004...
JEERS to car bombs. Damn you, insurgents. "Boom!" used to be such a pleasant word until you fellas came along.
CHEERS to the sanctity of right-wing marriage. Rush Limbaugh's eligible for sweet lovin' again as his wife files for divorce after 10 years. C&J knows why she bolted: he wanted to start having sex with the lights on.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the proper use of a pie. Howard Dean, via cartoonist Larry Wright, shows us how it's done. Bullseye!
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"I've never been able to understand Bill in Portland Maine's appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell."
Dick Cheney
6/13/05
"CouchcoughKoufaxCough. 'Scuse me."
BIPM
6/14/05
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