I don't want to bring anyone down and I'm now wondering if i posted this already when he died in March but this is my way of remembering him today.
my father and I were not close for most of my life. He abandoned me and my mom when I was very little. I had almost no contact with him growing up--I saw him once when I was two, once when I was seven, once when I was 15 and again I was 17. I barely remember the visit at two, although for many years my mom had a picture of the three of us from that visit that I would give anything to have now; when I was seven he tried to kidnap me during a summer visit by saying my mom didn't want me back (I guess he didn't realize I was smart enough to make a long distance call and find out for myself); when I was 15 he bought me a bunch of clothes and when I was 17 he took me to Disney World (I was a little old for that).
Then we didn't speak for over 20 years.
But we had a nice reunion right before I turned 40 and started keeping up with each other a little bit. He called every now and then and sent me a couple of emotional letters (although he never explained or apologized for the abandonment, which was a sticking point).
Recently we were finally beginning to create a bond. For Christmas of 2002 I gave him a gift subscription to the Nation and it was the first time he had ever seen such things in print. He was a moderate ticket splitter who even ran for office once as a Republican (!!!) but he was a thinking man and he was able to overlook some of the emotional excesses of the Nation and see the reality-based arguments beneath. We started having political discussions and it gave us a new way to connect.
He voted for Gore over Bush in 2000 but would have chosen McCain over Gore. He lived in Florida though, and was radicalized by what happened with the voting there. He got heavily involved with Democratic voter registration and was disappointed when Ohio was the center of electoral attention in 2004.
The last time I saw him alive was on June 8-9, 2002 when he drove up from Florida for a big day in my life. He's afraid to fly (I am too) but he wanted to be here. It was the first time he ever demonstrated personal sacrifice to show that he loved me. In 2003 and 2004 he kept begging me to come visit him and I kept saying I had to take care of mom.
My mom has been in increasing bad health for more than ten years. My dad was a Marine in great shape frequently mistaken for a man much younger. He was 6'5" with a big booming voice and a powerhouse personality that charmed everyone he ever met. My mom has had more lives than Thomasina and two very close brushes with death in 2004. I kept thinking that after she was gone to the next life he and I would have many years to finally get to know each other. I was wrong.
The last few Father's Days, after his wonderful visit in 2002, I tried to remember to get him something. But it was all so new--I didn't have the habit. It was hard to get it back on my mental calendar. I spent so many years ignoring Father's Day because I didn't feel I had a father. And there were many angry years when I gritted my teeth and waited for the day to be over because I was so upset about how I felt my life had been handicapped by his absence.
This year I am feeling such regret at all the missed Fathers' Days and other missed opportunties with him. I didn't send him a Christmas present in 2004 (I was preoccupied because mom was in the hospital). Then I missed his birthday too (in January 2005, less than two months before he died). I did buy him a card and I carried it around for a week without mailing it; I was in a snippy mood because he didn't send me anything for Christmas. So many Christmases, so many birthdays, so many Father's Days I watched the clock at this time of the evening and tried to talk myself into calling. But I was hung up on my bitterness of all the Christmases, birthdays and other special occasions when he didn;t call me.
Now it all seems so petty.
This year I keep noticing all the ads and the special segments on the morning shows and the human interest stories in the paper. But he's gone... He had a sudden heart attack in March. The whole family and all his hundreds of friends are still shocked.
Please tell the people you love that you love them. Now while you can. If you love your Dad, tell him so. If you have a difficult relationship with him and can't go there, at least try to find something to appreciate about him. I know some people are cut off from their dads for good reasons, and I am not passing judgment on that. But if you have any relationship with your father at all, reach out and make contact. it doesn't have to be today on the Hallmark holiday--but do it soon. This may be your last Father's Day with your father.