Brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security and the United States Congress - desperately pandering making America proud!
Q: My flag is old and falling apart. Can I incinerate it?
A: No. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. Halliburton makes a great plastic flag (available exclusively at Wal-Mart, America's retailer) that is flameproof and will never biodegrade. Get yours now at a specially discounted price before the mandatory purchase deadline!
Q: But what about USC Title 36, Chapter 10, Section 176(k)?
A: You must work for the ACLU. We'll deal with you hippie lawyers later.
Q: Oops! I may have thrown away my 2001 Old Navy flag t-shirt along with the rest of the stuff from my rag bag. Our town uses an incinerator. What should I do?
A: Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. Report to your local police headquarters immediately.
Q: My husband's shirt caught fire while he was barbecuing, and I threw a blanket over him to stifle the flames. Unfortunately, it happened to be our JC Penney "Spirit of Independence" blanket, which has a flag design. Did I break the law?
A: Yes. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. Report to your local police headquarters. A helpful tip: flame-retardant bedding is always on-sale at Wal-Mart, America's retailer.
Q: My son died in the line of duty in Iraq. We believe in cremation, but we'd like to honor his heroism. Can we wrap him in a flag?
A: No. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. (Note to Betsy: Delete from final version, lacks relevance. Dick says we're in the last throes.)
Q: I have a flag tattoo, but my wife hates it. My doctor says I can have my tattoo "burned" off with a laser. Is that a problem?
A: Yes. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. Halliburton makes a great press-on flag tattoo (available exclusively at Wal-Mart, America's retailer). Buy one for your wife today at a specially discounted price before the mandatory purchase deadline!
Q: My neighbor gave me some flag matchbooks. I feel a little odd using them. I mean, I'm not technically burning the flag just by striking matches near a flag design, am I?
A: Yes. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law. Dispose of these materials immediately.
Q: But my town dump uses an incinerator. What should I do?
A: Report to your local police headquarters. And bring your neighbor.
Q: I know we can't burn the flag, but is cross-burning legal?
A: Yes - but the Dobson-Halliburton Act will be signed into law January 1, 2006.
Q: What is the Dobson-Halliburton Act?
A: It's the new flag design - have you been living under a rock? In Massachusetts? Fifty "stars" will be replaced by fifty "crosses" in this exciting collaboration between America's most influential fanatic holy man and America's most influential war profiteer corporation. After January 1, cross-burning will be equivalent to flag-burning. Flag-burning is desecration, and punishable by law.
Q. Wow! Where can I buy my new flag?
A: Heavenly FlagsTM will be available exclusively at Wal-Mart, America's retailer.
Q: So what should I do with my old, non-holy flags? Can I burn those?
A: No. Haven't you been paying attention? Report to your local police headquarters -- we know where you live. And God Bless America!