Boxed text--an actual email I got this morning. The rest--my amendments. *Feel free to add your own.*
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
It gets more bizarre! Under the fold...
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
(AMENDMENT: Unless you are George W. Bush, Paris Hilton, or other children of the profoundly wealthy, in which the case nothing may interfere with your enjoyment of your daddy's loot, except maybe token taxes and maybe showing up at National Guard meetings if and when you find it convenient. Also, starting this year you are entitled to a $298 billion tax break, at exactly the same time whiney veterans of the Iraq war are getting all complainy about a $1 billion shortfall in V.A. benefits. Hey losers! You come with the V.A. benefits you got! Sheesh. Paris NEEDS her new car. So you just shut up and wait till maybe next year for your doctor's appointment--maybe.)
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
(AMENDMENT: Unless you are a KKKristian, in which case your special brand of mystical bigotry carries the weight of law; and if someone disagrees--let's say, while having to deal with the anguish of loss of a loved one--you will put tape over your mouth and sit outside a hospice pounding on trashcans. Exception: Tom DeLay gets to pull the plug on his daddy, and STILL take away our rights to make decisions for our familes.)
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
(AMENDMENT: However, if you manufacture and sell exploding, mercury-tainted, asbestos-based, MDBE-flavored screwdrivers to children, and people get all huffy about brain and lung damage and all that, Congress will pass a special "children's screwdriver wholesomeness" law, protecting YOU from all legal harm. Thank you Jesus!)
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
(AMENDMENT: Unless [see Article 1]. Also, if you are a Halliburton executive, you are entitled to make-believe move yourself to a Caribbean island, where you will pay no taxes, at the same time you are receiving $ billions in tax money for messing up contracts for the U.S. military, which, by the way, is protecting your ass from terrorists, etc., AT ABSOLUTELY NO COST TO YOU, since you are paying no taxes. Sweet, huh!?)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
(AMENDMENT: Unless you are a Congressman, Senator, President, or Supreme Court Justice; in which case you must bite the bullet and force yourself to accept the horrible burden of socialized medicine--which by the way, was invented by the ancient Athenians circa 480 B.C. back when they were inventing the first democracy, so maybe we should call it "democracized medicine"? Naw.)
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
(AMENDMENT: Unless you are the emperor of the United States, in which case you can throw out more than 200 years of U.S. tradition, and ignore Gen. Washington's order to treat prisoners with humanity, because Gen. Washington realized--no matter what prisoners may deserve--our humane character is what makes Americans what we are; or rather, what made us what we WERE.)
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
(AMENDMENT: Unless you are Halliburton and other contractors in Iraq, in which case $8.8 billion can just evaporate, and Congress can't even be bothered to investigate. Hey! Nobody's perfect! And it was just taxpayer money anyway. And only Democrats pay taxes, and you know Democrats--they probably would have spent it on food or clothes or education or something silly.)
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
(AMENDMENT: Unless [See Article 1] in which case you are not entitled to a job [since that might actually involve working], but you ARE entitled to a position, let's say, President of the United States--aka Bicyclist in Chief. On the other hand, if you happen to work in the U.S. Saipan labor gulag, you are entitled to forced prostitution and forced abortion, thanks to the prayerful Cong. Tom DeLay. Ain't America wacky!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
(AMENDMENT: Unless [see Article 1], in which case, you are entitled to all the happy-time pharmaceuticals your daddy's money can buy. So enjoy tokin', cokin', and whiskey soakin' the old brain cells for 20+ years, after which you can find Jesus and become the first Preznit who can just barely talk. Also special exemptions apply to Rush Limbaugh, since it was his maid's fault that he sent her out to score his "meds". Bad maid! Bad maid!)
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
(AMENDMENT: Unless [see previous article], in which case you have right to remove at least one syllable from every English word. ACTUAL examples from Bush speeches: Teerny (tyranny). Murka (America). Lections (elections). Camers (cameras). Miltary (military). Ideelogies (ideologies). Moralty (morality). Deemockersee (Democracy). Tearists (terrorists). Kurj (courage???). Also, you get to make like a snake and change the final s into a sssssibilant. [Whoa! The Preznit is a parselmouth, just like Lord Voldamort! Somebody warn Pat Robertson!])
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
(AMENDMENT: And anyone who disagrees will be burned at the stake. After all, that's why our founding fathers came over here. They saw all the religious wars and massacres and torture and burning at the stake back in Europe and said to themselves, "Let's go to America and do it there too." Yeah. George Washington said it. Yeah. That's the ticket.)
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?
(Hey sensible people! Yoohoo! Quick question: Just how far up your ass does George W. Bush have to stick his dick until you realize you're being fucked? Huh? Meanwhile-enjoy your Koolaid.)