It hasn't happened yet, but I am hoping that some eager news reporter will ask me at the pump how I feel about gas prices, which will allow me the opportunity to extoll the virtues of our excellent President.
Reporter How do you feel about gas prices at the pump?
Me I think you have to look at the big picture. I'm a high income guy. What with the windfall tax cut I have thanks to President Bush, it would be churlish of me to complain about the $85 it takes to fill the tank of my SUV.
Reporter But don't you think these prices are a problem for most people?
Me I don't care about most people. I care about me. And for my money, President Bush is a guy who delivers. Considering what the President has done for me and my business, paying more for gas is all well and good. I only regret that I didn't see the gas price increase sooner so that I could get in on the action. Those oil and gas guys are making profits that are truely obscene.
R What kind of work do you do?
M I'm a consultant to corporate executives. I help them develop asset conversion strategies.
R You mean you help corporate executives raid the assets of the companies they manage? Don't executives have a fiduciary responsibility to their stockholder, employees, and to the public?
M Son, concern for employees is so last century. As for the stockholders; they're mostly rich people, so they understand. If any big stockholder gets too upset, we put him on the board or show him how to use these same stragies at his own company.
R But isn't that breaking the law?
M It's only wrong if they convict you. Our President understands that. That's part of the Bush genius.
R So you think Bush is smart?
M A genius. Look, it is hard to gain the kind of stranglehold on power that he has in a democracy. Winning an election when only serving the interests of the wealthy is not easy. But he found a way. A few "hail Jesus" and lots of people vote for you. Smear the other guy; call him a liberal, a tool of the terrorists, or better, a queer, then fix the election by controlling the ballot box in the few states you need. And I'm living proof this works, the few thousands that me and each of my friends contributed has come back many times over in tax cuts, a relaxed regulatory environment, and "don't ask, don't tell" enforcement of corporate actions.
R But he started a war that he can't stop, American troops are getting killed and injured every day, global warming is proceeding unchecked, global terrorism is rising; doesn't any of this concern you?
M The war is for the benefit of the poor people. They seem to like it; it's mostly them over there fighting it. Nobody I know is involved so it's no skin off my nose. And as for global warming, I think it helps for it to be a few degrees warmer, especially in winter. But it is Bush's personal philosophy that I find inspiring. You can't listen to the naysayers and the complainers. You have to live your life.
God Bless America.
God Bless the American Flag.
God Bless our President, George W. Bush.