Washington pundits admitted puzzlement this morning when the White House announced that President Bush is nominating family pet, Barney the Scotch terrier, to the vacant seat of Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist, who died yesterday.
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The President is a very busy man," White House spokesman Scott McClellan explained. "
If he wants to appoint his dog to the Supreme Court, it's none of your damn business is it? So you all can just butt out."
Senate Minority leader Harry Ried expressed outrage and dismay at the nomination, but admits Democrats do not have the votes to stop it.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said that the President "Has a right to nominate whomever he wants," and added that "Barney is a true originalist who deserves an up-or-down vote."
"Barney is a good dog," Frist said, "And Dr. Dobson assures me there is nothing un-Biblical about a dog on the Court. It's not like he's a cat or a homosexual or anything. Up-or-down, up-or-down, up-or-down," Frist chanted for several minutes.
Acting Chief Justice Scalia said he welcomes the President's newest appointee, but is unsure how Barney will fit in. "For now, we'll probably put him in with Thomas," Scalia said, "Since they are both sorta honorary Caucasians."
Some Democrats proposed an ad campaign against the nomination, but Republicans beat them to the punch this morning with a TV spot extolling Barney's loyalty and recounting his early life as a homeless puppy raised by sharecroppers.
When asked if Barney had not actually come from a prestigious doggy dude-ranch on Hilton Head, White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan explained that the ad represents a faith-based biographical viewpoint, which snippy blue state liberal reporters would not understand anyway.
When asked if this appointment is redolent of Emperor Caligula appointing his horse to the Roman Senate, McClellan said the question is insulting, and besides, Bush is scared of horses.
"It's none of your friggin business," Vice President Cheney commented from an undisclosed location. "And there is nothing creepy about it. Presidents are always appointing dogs to things. There are lots of scotties on federal courts. And Barney has the highest rating from the American Bar Association."
When asked if any of that is, in fact, true, Cheney responded, "Just shut the f#ck up and report it, you blow-dried sh#t-for-brains meat-puppet #sshole. You think somebody's gonna check? Like bloggers maybe? Oooo look at me! I'm all a-scared of bloggers. Ooooo, the friggin bloggers are gonna get me! Ooooo! Save me, save me!" Cheney added jovially.
In related news, authorities said that Rehnquist apparently died of natural causes and there is no need to check the stake through his heart for Karl Rove's fingerprints.
In yet other related news, the White House press office announced that the epic disaster in New Orleans has officially reached the status of we-don't-want-to-talk-about-that-anymore.
"I think we have already talked about that," said McClellan, "And there are protocols in place, and an ongoing investigation. And, honestly, no one could have possibly foreseen a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico. Absolutely no one. It never happened before, as far as we know, and we asked everyone we had appointed over at FEMA. And especially all the race horse guys say it's a first, probably. And, to be absolutely honest, really, that is soooo last news cycle. Just get with the program, people! Get with the program!!!"
McClellan did admit that the leadership at FEMA now suspects that there may be some sort of world climatic change going on causing hotter ocean water resulting in bigger and more frequent hurricanes. "We don't know why no one noticed this before", McCllelan said. "The President is very interested and even has a nickname for it. He calls it `world-wide hottening'."