As usual, I've got inside information on these matters.
Seems some Secret Service soldiers sent south to see someone about special strategies to solve the Veep's sclerotic circulatory situation soon saw Haiti as the sole solution.
After checking around, mon, them pretty quick hire them a notorious bokor name of Lady Aleche Langlinais to move on up to Maryland to make zombie powder real regular like for Mistah Cheney.
Now she lives in an undisclosed location up in St. Michaels, Maryland, the same CIA safe house-heavy neighborhood where Mistah Rumsfeld resides.
Oh, she was cool with emigrating and all, and living in the suburbs just outside the Beltway, in exchange for two suitcases of gold bars and a consulting contract at FEMA, but she had her own special needs, she explained.
She needed 'a really big house near a cemetery' in order to do her thing, she said. And they also had to emigrate a couple of rather large, quiet Creole men whom she described as attendants to my person.
I think their Green Cards list them as plowmen or some such.
Yoo-all 'member Mistah Cheney going mansion shopping during Katrina? Uh-huh. The big house was for her, cher. Had to be done.
Anyway, zombie powder. Making zombie powder is a lot like making meth, only you need to be a lot braver.
Lessee, you need a recently buried infant male, for the pituitary, pancreas, thyroid and testicles.
Need some salvia leaves, ayahuasca and entirely organic amanita muscaria.
Slimy things, you need lotsa slimy things at the Cabinet level, so be sure you add some sea worms, dysentery of toad, left lung of lizard, and the Summary pages from the 9/11 Commission's report.
What else? Puffer fish liver and Sibutramine. Vitamin C. Blood red wine.
You don't eat this stuff. Bad for the jaw. Bush took a taste, and he's had mandibular issues for months.
You don't drink it. Karl took a tipple, and him wets his pants, mon, whenever the Justice Department calls.
Mistah Cheney uses the other medical route, and stands up to it wonderfully. It does affect his gait somewhat, but it's easy enough to stay out of the public eye, only move around at night, walk slow and steady like he does.
Like Condi told 'em all along, cher, this can work. This can work.