It was told to me that Donald Rumsfeld gave Bush is letter of resignation today.
Acting quickly, George W. Bush named Pedro, the White House Gardener to head the search committee. After an exhausting search, Bush name Pedro as the Secretary of Defense. In a Rose Garden announcement, President Bush, with Pedro and his family besides him, said he named Pedro because he's the best candidate for the job and he married up like he did. He said he knew Pedro's heart and he is a good religious Christian.
Pedro, used to work setting up sprinklers and mowing the grass at the restricted golf club, Burning Stake, that the Bushes belonged to. Then Bush had Pedro cut his lawn in Texas and eventually he became the head gardener at the Texas State House. When George W. Bush was Supreme Courted and Nadered into the presidency, he immediately moved Pedro to the White House as head gardener.
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Pedro was highly touted by the Reverends James Dobson and Jerry Fallwell, as he and his wife Angie (who had to be held up by 2 members of the Secret Service) have 37 children. All of Pedro and Angie's kids are on Medicaid as Pedro only earns $5.15 an hour from the White House and he will remain at that level if confirmed as the Secretary of Defense. Bush said that the more Mexican gardeners he hires, the more votes the Republican Party gets and with all the savings, they can give his wealthy friends more tax cuts.
President Bush listed Pedro's experience but he premised that by saying the he wasn't interested in an inside the Beltway Gardener. He wanted someone from Texas who would not admit how stupid he thought the President was. The gardeners know, the cooks know, the maids know, everyone knows except for the media and the Democrats in the House and Senate.
After the announcement, the president allowed a few questions and David Gregory of NBC was the first to stand up and at 6 feet 5 inches, the president called on him first, "Stretch, (chuckle grin, chuckle grin) what's on your mind?"
Gregory: "Mr. President, it seems that every person you nominate for anything is either the first thought that comes into your mind or the person that was the head of the search committee. Is your world and your brain, that narrow? Do you have a problem with thinking?"
The president made some monkey faces and then you could hear an audible beep from rectangular box on his back but under his suit.
Karl Rove: "George, it's Karl, use the 9/11 line."
Then the President smiled at Gregory and said.
Bush: "Stretch, you all didn't ever hear about 9/11? It's a fertilizer/weed killer that Pedro uses to get a green White House lawn and kill the crab grass. If he could do that to the lawn, he could do that in Iraq too. He could kill all them insurgents and promote the vote.
Gregory: "Mr. President, you must be kidding. How can a man with such a huge lack of experience be made the Secretary of Defense.
Bush: "Hey Stretch, I had no experience and I became the Commander in Chief! The next questionee is for Helen Thomas."
Thomas: Mr. President, why not choose someone like former Senator Sam Nunn who has vast experience on military and defense issues?"
Bush: (Chuckling to himself) "Helen, only the stupid Democrats would pick someone for one of the key positions from the other party, like Clinton picked Republican Senator William Cohen. Now, when CNN goes back to the Clinton Administration to hammer us, it's our guy that's there! When the next Democrat prez screws up, I want a Republican in there pounding him! (whispering, is that right Karl). John-bob, you're next."
John Roberts: "What about Republicans like Colin Powell and General Schwarzkopf."
Bush: "No, no, no...I need someone in there to protect my National Guard records and Norm and Colin are too honest, stupid and gullible; but honest. Terry "Run Again" Moran from ABC (stupid chuckle and stupid grin)."
Terry Moran: "President Bush, couldn't you take a little time to think this through and not come up with your gardener, like Chauncey Gardener in that comedy with Peter Sellers, "Being There?"
Bush: "That was no comedy, "Run-Again". That was a documentary and that's where I got the idea from. It was on last night. Pretty lucky, huh?"
Terry Moran: "President Bush, you were an American History major at Yale and you think Chauncey Gardener was a president of the United States!?"
Bush: (whispering, Karl....pssss Karl...no answer) Well, when Dad was at the CIA, Yale did my homework and papers....oops when Dad was at the CIA, they helped me with ALL my work while I was learning from Hot Tub Tom...boy, did we ever drink and f..!
Scott McClellan, the press secretary, steps in and said, "That will be all for now."