From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Other Constitutional Amendments King Bush might think of shredding along with the 4th...
Amendment I Congress shall make no law regulating the capacity of toilets.
Amendment II The citizens of the United States shall adopt the metric system over their dead bodies.
Amendment VI The Express Lane limit shall be ten items, meaning ten items. Also, if a citizen takes a number at the deli counter, but does not hear the number called because he or she was off in the cereal aisle trying to decide between Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch, then tough noogies.
Amendment XI Citizens talking loudly into cellular phones shall be aware that all the other citizens hate them.
Amendment XIII If a citizen wishes to drive a "sport utility" vehicle with the same weight, fuel economy, and handling characteristics as the Lincoln Memorial, then nobody shall have the right to stop that citizen, because this is America, dammit.
Amendment XVII Every citizen, including those in comas, shall receive a minimum of one phone call per day from a very persistent stranger determined to save the citizen money on his or her long-distance bill.
---From Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway
By the way, the word `Noogie' appears in the new Iraqi Constitution three times. Let's hope they don't abuse it. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 22, 2005
Note: We've received late word that President Bush authorized warrant-less spying on American citizens "...for quality assurance purposes. Please stay on the line and the next available spy will be happy to listen in."
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Festivus: 1
Days `til Christmas: 3
Days `til Hanukkah and Kwanzaa: 4
Average round-trip airfare between now and January 3 for tickets bought in November: $412
(Source: USA Today)
Speed at which Santa would have to drive his sleigh in order to deliver his presents in one night: 650 miles per second (3,000 times the speed of sound)
Weight of Santa's sleigh when he starts out (assuming one 2-pound toy for all the good little girls and boys): 321,300 tons
(Source: The prestigious Internets)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "...while visions of Alpo beef and liver chunks danced in his head..."
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CHEERS to the unspoiled outdoors. Thanks to a filibuster threat, The Alaska wildlife refuge will stay pristine...at least for now. Poor Alaska Senator Ted "Pork Me!" Stevens is forlorn: "This has been the saddest day of my life." There there...you'll always have your Bridge to Nowhere.
JEERS to Scrooge McDick. The Cheney cast the tie-breaking vote in favor of the minus-$40 billion "Kick `em When They're Down Act" yesterday, ensuring that America's education, health care and safety-net capabilities remain firmly locked in reverse. Up next in `06: $70 billion in tax cuts for the rich...the real victims.
CHEERS to the grande dame of Texas. Wow---today is Lady Bird Johnson's 93rd birthday. People thought she was a bit nutty when she led the campaign to create the Highway Beautification Act of 1965. But today she's regarded as one of our nation's most devoted environmentalists. We, uh, got this just for you, ma'am.
JEERS to love/hate relationships. One year ago, conservative Christians were mad as hornets in a blender because the White House Christmas card left out a certain Jesus H. Christ. This year...it happened again! C&J feels the fundies' pain, and offers this bit of free advice for reaching the tone-deaf president: Y'all stay home on November 7th, 2006. Heh heh.
CHEERS to love/love relationships Elton John and David Furnish got legally hitched in Britain yesterday. Just remember, you two: when the money gets tight, love will see you through.
CHEERS to the Meeting of the Titans. 63 years ago today---two weeks after America was attacked at Pearl Harbor---President Roosevelt met with Winston Churchill in Washington, DC to plan their strategy against Germany and Japan. Ahh...the good old days when declaring war was justified.
JEERS to Bad Santa. Okay, frazzled parents, take a lesson from Dr. Bill. Here's how you get your kids to clean their plates on Christmas Eve: tell `em that failure to comply will result in a visit from the Claus's evil stepbrother. You've never seen asparagus disappear so fast in your life.
CHEERS to green, blue, yellow, orange, red and white. On December 22, 1882, the first string of Christmas tree lights was created by Thomas Edison. But then--- Bzzzt!---one bulb burned out, and all he could do was weep.
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One Year Ago in C&J: December 22, 2004...
JEERS to the Insurgents Who Stole Christmas. Among the victims in the Mosul mess hall massacre yesterday were members of Maine's 133rd Engineer Battalion---two died and 12 were injured. Our thoughts go out to the families. Our anger goes out to the rats who did it...and the rats who sent our kids there in the first place.
CHEERS to finally winning a recount. Looks like Democrat Christine Gregoire squeaked out a win in the Washington governor's race. The margin of victory---8 butt hairs. In the shredder today: photos from Republican loser Dino Rossi's premature victory party. Hahahaha!!!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the smells of the season. This is a special gift to you from my partner, Michael, with glad tidings of joy. Happy Cruciferousmas!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
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